Okay, paragraphs are not a messy bunch anymore. Good. At least in the first scene. Then 2/3 into it you retreat to the awful big paragraphs. Please edit and cut them down a little. *Especially* the first chapter! That is the chapter that determines if someone will continue to read on or not.

And; Ouch! What a mean brother! Why does no one love poor Reidel? (and she *was* sentenced already? Sorry. My bad, I must've missed it) It seems that she nearly killed her mother (at least what they think is her) so that explains why he would not take it so lightly. Still though... :/ Kinda harsh. (NOT saying that is bad, mind you. Just my reaction. We can't all have "I love you forever and ever!" characters all around).

"She was the best fighter in the army"

at 20? O.o I'd believe skilled, but the best? Whoa... A bitunbelieveable. Especially since her brother should be stronger, just from mere gender views. Coming 2nd to him would at least make more sense than this.

Tip: Don't exagerate too much. Instead if strength *does* play a role in your story; let her evolve and grow into that strength. More interesting to see (now if you were to have her in a fight, it'd be a bit boring since her supermacy has already been stated. See what I'm saying? There is no challenge..)

"“Last lunch huh?."

No need to put that dot after a questionmark... so yeah, you missed that one. Bad dog?

“I am a beggar at the moment.” She muttered, and ran through the corridors"

if she is on the run, why does she mutter to herself? O.o

"When the guard had his back turned for a moment to look in at the horses as hers nickered softly, she made her move and ran at him, sword raised and ready to bring down on his head, the man heard her coming and reacted just quickly enough to knock her weapon out of the way with one chain-mailed hand. "

Divide that into two separate sentences. Preferably after "down on his head" and after "the man".

Now to Baylova and her side of this chapter:

the man is a fairy? I am sorry but that cracked me up. I am not much familiar with supernatural species and the only fairies I know of are those like Tinkerbell, so imagine my surprise when hearing the big bad wofl was one :P

The fact that Baylova was happy to hear she was worth much and then wanting to cry about it was a nice touch and train of thought. It made a good addition.

"The prisoner had escaped. I’m glad someone was able to."
was sort of weird. It would have sound better if you hadn't switched to 1st person pov and instead written:
The prisoner had escaped. And she was glad that someone was able to."

Why is that better?
Because it doesn't break the flow.
The flow?
Yes, the flow. Not only hippies use the flow. The flow, man, the flow!

...Ok, I'm normal.

Ahem. I must admit; I care little, and by little I do mean little, for Baylova. It therefore pleases me that she had a small portion of this chapter.

Why is the girl who's name I cant spell without taking a peek at it *takes a peek*; aka Reidel more interesting?

Because she has interacted with people more. She has had more thoughts. You have explored her personality deeper than Baylova.

Although I really do urge you focus more on them than the environment still. It is very hard to explain, and as you can see, I stink at it...

Ah well; decent story, still, and I hope there will be chemistry between the two when they meet (make the dialouges gripping. And I am not just talking about then when they meet. Always have them as dramatic as can be without going overboard. Like at the point where her brother announced he did not love her anymore).

Keep it up! (wow long review...)

Jesus girl(or boy?)!

Shorten down the paragraphs, would you not? Try to have some paragraphs short, and some a bit longer. It gets easier on the eyes if there is varition. That way, reading on the computer screen feels more at ease.

"before the Judges podium"

This is possessive, no? So it should be an apostroph then! So either:
Judge's podium if a single judge, or Judges' podium, if several.

Some descriptions you used were bit awkward, like:
"teenaged eyes"
how can one see they are a teenagers eyes, just by judging the eyes? O.o It perplexed me and ultimately made little sense.

“Thought so”

I do not believe in ending quoations without even so much as a comma. So this looks a bit wrong to me.

On a brighter side, you also had good descriptions, like:

how the crowd reacted on the pews

"probably would have headed there even if they decided to let her go."
proves how she doesn't want to flee and it suggests an accepted hopelessness.

The fact that her former friend was so appalled at her confused me a little. She hasn't even been proven guilty yet, have she? It just seems awfully judgemental.

All in all; the huge paragraphs are a killer, and I am not really feeling anything for the characters. There is no character in them yet and this young girl getting captured feels like none of my business. This would mean the obvious suggestion for you is "to write to make it my business" but that initself doesn't really say how to.

I suggest less focus on materialistic descriptions, and more focus on the personal ones. That is how you make it my business in scenes like these two.

You are not a bad writer though! I know this must sound discouraging, but don't be! Your imagination is interesting, and your spelling consistent. You just have to work more on *capturing* the reader.

Don't be cruel...write the rest of it. NOW. It is just not fair to start us like this and then not have more.


I love it

This chapter is well written and it holds my attention. I love the plot - it's fascinating and I'd like to read more.

~SilentSongs~