Reviews for Of a World Without Wonder

Reviews For: Of a World Without Wonder - Reviews: Page 1 of 3

Thisisnotcool 2008-06-25 ch 1,	abuseThe story had me hooked in the first paragraph, but as it went along, I found myself skipping lines here and there. Particularly after the second time jump as I had already found out if she was going to be killed or not. There was no suspense there and that's what carried me though the first half of the story. Although you let us know that time had passed with --, it was hard to tell 'how much' time had passed. The line 'After all these months' confused me. I wasn't sure if it had been months since she had first told him or not, but since she asks to be killed in the morning, I took it as that. Perhaps rearrange that sentence to avoid any confusion. Other than that, I found the story quite good for the most part. Perhaps it was just my attention span that didn't allow me to enjoy the ending.
Lorrelion 2008-06-22 ch 1,	abuseHello! Sorry, I promised I'd check out some of your stuff sooner but it took me this long to get around to it. That was awsome! So dramatic it kept me guessing, yet at the same time predictable enough that i could see it to be real. Definately not too sappy.(And I'm a guy... all be it a romantic guy but a guy none the less.) One thing I'd like to bring up though. The use of larger spacing to show that time has passed. Impressive and creative. You don't see a lot of creative things done in stories now a day way to use it to your advantage. That said, the first first location switch was just a little confusion. Untill she fell to her knees, I thought they were still in the car. I like to end on a good note. I loved, and when i say loved i really mean it, the fact that you didn't give her a name. It made it feel like she could be anyone. Keep writing! p.s. If you feel like it I wouldn't mind you reading my book forsaken. Ofcourse if you don't want to I understand. p.p.s. I look forward to reading more of your stuff.
Needle-In-The-Hay 2008-05-27 ch 1,	abuseI really liked it. I couldn't see any grammar errors, but I didn't look to hard I was too enthralled by the plot. :]
rassoodock 2008-04-27 ch 1,	abusethis was interesting, to say the least. your narration was well done and the discription was just enough. not a sensory overload and not a meek amount, but a well placed additive. keep up the good work.
Kaiyako Kagami 2008-03-22 ch 1,	abuseHey! I'll review as I go along, for the grammar issues. ~A quick death is preferable.” the woman said with nonchalance while skilfully avoiding eye contact. -If there is a period at the end of her talking the 't' in 'the' should be a capital. Or, change the period to a comma. Also, I think there's a comma after 'nonchalance' Well, that was the only thing I noticed. The mood of this story stuck out and the amount of description you used really flowed with it. The dialog seemed real to me, and understandable. I really enjoyed reading this, great work! -Kaiyako K.
daughterofcokie 2008-03-20 ch 1,	abuseI liked this a lot! It was truly beautiful the way Hugh saved her and her child. I felt it was just perfect in tone - not too dark but emotionally gripping enough. I am favoriting this.
Written 2008-02-27 ch 1,	abusewell done! great hook in line, by the way. :) first, the criticisms... you hardly use 'he said/she said', and while it's nice to read 'he inquired' and 'she roared' now and then, typically, you want to let the dialogue speak for itself. I don't think this was a big problem in your writing, but I noticed it a little? Maybe I'm remembering it wrong. It would be better if i could just print this off and mark it :) "she set her vision on the autumn and barren scenery passing them by." autumn and barren? really? your choice, but it sounds clumsy. "The nonchalant question was born while she stared straight ahead and ignored him." I'm being harder on you than I EVER am with myself, but rethink this one. It makes you sound literary but also very extra? I'm not sure why, but it almost sounds insincere. Sometimes striking, clear sentences do better than complicated ones. Since I'm not a real writer though, I wouldn't trust me too much on this one. I'm not even going to offer a suggestion on how to fix it :) but... the 'ignored him' bit seems unnecessary (redundancy- we already know she's not looking at him), as does the word 'nonchalant'. But again, personal preference, and what do I know. Seriously, I'm not being sarcastic, these are just my own thoughts. I personally make the mistake of overdescribing dialogue in my own writing, but as someone who also edits, I know it's generally a faux-pas (doesn't stop me though... har). I'm not saying you should cut out all adj. and adv., but let the dialogue speak for itself as well. also, 'fresh droplets of sinister blood'. overdoing it just a tad. When I read that part, I imagined an evil overlord, laughing evilly. I think the word 'sinister' would be the problem there. HAVING said all that, you probably think I'm really negative... but you did say to point out the little things, right? The good news is that I enjoyed reading this, seriously. Interesting choice in bolding the words of emphasis instead of using italics. Doesn't bother me, but I haven't seen it done much. "She was most thankful. Yet she was selfish. And neither of the two could ever forget." I actually really liked this line? It sounds a little choppy, but in a good way. Good repetition of this at the end, by the way. I like it. It gives your piece a poetic feel. I like the way you dealt with the characters and with their 'selfishness'. It feels realistic, you know what I mean? I feel really snotty saying those things to you up there D: don't take it hard, you're much better than me. I just like to edit. The piece itself is wonderful.
rippling iris 2008-02-24 ch 1,	abuseo very intense. i liked it. you have a really good writing style. i liked how subtly you told us what happened to her, instead of just stating it out right. very well done. i'm so glad hugh didn't shoot her :O
i'm just a girl playing gui... 2008-02-19 ch 1,	abuseWow. [awestruck] That was utterly beautiful. I didn't find a single mistake (probably because I was too absorbed to care), and the style with which you wrote was excellent. I can somehow relate to this, but I'm not quite sure how. I really do love this! Thanks for the great read.
Unbeknownst 2008-01-21 ch 1,	abuseHm. I don't really know what to think of this. I'm not really fond of either of your characters--though I don't think that was your point--and while I felt alienated from both of them (usually not a good sign), it isn't a bad piece. There are a few places where your wording is a little awkward, and since you mentioned that you're looking for concrit, I'll outline them here. 1). “When morning comes, I want you to shoot me. A quick death is preferable.” the woman said with nonchalance while skilfully avoiding eye contact. Chin prodded upwards, she set her vision on the autumn and barren scenery passing them by. This one's a little wordy toward the end; it would probably be a bit better if you wrote it as: “When morning comes, I want you to shoot me. A quick death is preferable,” the woman said with nonchalance, while skilfully avoiding eye contact. Chin pointed upward, she set her vision on the barren autumn scenery outside the car(? you didn't state if it was a car or not, apologies if it's not) window. 2). Continuing, she spoke firmly as her fingers softly stroked the end of her thin curls that had lost its glow. Age never did improve her beauty. The grammar here, especially regarding her hair, is flat-out confusing. What is the "its" referring to? It probably would be better if structured more like so: "Continuing, she spoke firmly as her fingers softly stroked the end of her thin curls. As she did, he he could not help but notice that her hair had lost its glow. Age had not improved her beauty." 3). Though she was still breathing, the rotting stench from her insides could not be hidden from her knowing nostrils. Great! I really liked this sentence, actually--the only thing I have to quibble over is your word choice in using "insides"--to me, it sounded almost childish, and was jarring to read. Unless that's what you were going for, I would change it to something like "innards." 4). Now came that persistent silence again. Always disturbingly present, creeping up on her at all times. She had to dispose it. “I’m not mad at you, though. After all, you are the only one that remains by my side.” What a pitiful fact. Even more pathetic was that she even stated it. Great images here, especially the creeping silence, and the idea that she knows what she is doing is pathetic, pitiable, and yet she says it anyway. Again, quibbling over sentence structure: "Now came that persistent silence again. Always disturbingly present, creeping up on her at all times. She had to dispose of it. “I’m not mad at you, though. After all, you are the only one that remains by my side.” A pitiful fact made all the more pathetic as she acknowledged it, stated it." 5). A ghost of a smile was allowed itself to haunt her lips that had no life. “Yet I wonder,” she mused, her voice indifferent to the future without her, “Do you think it’s okay for me to die?” "A ghost of a smile" is pretty cliche; I would probably take it out and re-write it as something else. Also, this one was slightly wordy--"her lips that had no life" could easily be re-written as "her lifeless lips"--alliteration is OK in small doses. "Her voice indifferent to the future without her" is somewhat clunky as well; maybe something more like, "'Yet I wonder,' she mused, indifferent to the thought of a future without her. 'Do you think it's all right for me to die?'" I would (obviously) nix the "OK" too--she seems far too sophisticated to say something as slang-y as "OK." 6). “Did it ever occur to you there might be a reason for that?” he suggested with a taunting ease to slap her face with, while she struggled to even look at him without her defences crumbling. Again, wordy/clunky. Your descriptions are great--but there's too many of them. I would leave out the bit about how it seems to slap her in the face--you really do get that across by describing what he asks as being said with a "taunting ease." 7). "“It was unfair of you to play with my life that day.” She told the bitter words with a pleased expression as the breeze caressed her face. The start of wrinkles were apparent, despite her many surgical measures taken to deflect age. Hugh’s eyes turned to look at her and away from the small figure before them. Without needing to see, she could tell that her choice of words, and subject, surprised him." "She told the bitter words with a please expression" tries to convey something, I think, but it doesn't quite make it; I would probably re-write it . . . maybe: "'It was unfair of you to play with my life that day,' she said, the pleased look on her face belying the bitterness of her words." The rest of it is great--I especially love the remark about plastic surgery--it's just that one spot that's not so good. 8). "For in the end, all that mattered was who’s will prevailed." Whose. Whose. "Who's" is a contraction meaning "who is." Otherwise, great way to end the story. As stated, not something I'd normally be interested in reading, but it's far from bad (I'd even go so far as to call it good), and while I can't relate to either character, it was at least an interesting read. Well done!
Propinquity Lady 2007-12-27 ch 1,	abuseIs this a late review? Sorry if it is, but I have been in fictionpress for a very long time, so yeah:D The title is nice. It gives us some sort of foreboding feeling of what's going to happen in the story, so it was a really nice choice. It's dark and mysterious, but in a really good way. It captivates the audience, so that's good for you. There are a lot of fragments, but I guess that's how your style goes? I mean, it's not really bad, but sometimes too much fragments is really, really annoying. Keep that in mind :D Your descriptions are very... how should I say it... good? That's not really the right word for it, but it'll do for now (until I get a hold on my thesaurus and actually be able to find the right word). It's very good. That's what really held me into this piece of writing. How the character acts and how she is looked upon... you wrote it in a very elegant way, and it got me hooked. However, the last sentence threw me off I guess. I'm not a sappy person. Even though I do write sappy moments, I'm still not a very sappy person. Weird, huh? Anyway, I think it's better off without the last sentence. Of course, you can ignore this if you want. This is just personal opinion of a non-sappy sap writer. Well, good job on this. It was a wonderful read. ~ PropinquityLady
Mark-and-Haley 2007-11-11 ch 1,	abuseOh gosh, I loved your story! It's so mysterious, and it left me in suspence the entire time! You're a brilliant writer! -Haley
Kenny's Friend 2007-09-24 ch 1,	abuseThis was in no way sappy or boring - a little dark, but hey, that works. First of all, the descriptions are good. The sentences were crisp and short, and you didn't deliberate over inessential details (something I myself struggle with in my writing). The whole thing was a little strange to me - not the writing or anything like that - but the story itself. I'm not sure I understood why she wanted Hugh to kill her, and I'm not quite sure what the blood on his gloves signified, and where were they going, and... I suppose the story was supposed to provoke such questions, but usually there are answers embedded in the work. If you wanna keep me guessing... Good work - keep it up. "Ken's Friend"
Hell Is A Place 2007-09-13 ch 1,	abuseI don't know what else I can say that hasn't in all these thousands of reviews. There are too many commas. It started to bug me. There were also sentence fragments, but apparently that's a common literary device these days. I like the story. It was dark, but maybe it's okay for you to write dark stories? Just don't go emo on us. Also, to the man obsessed with spell-check, cocooning is a word, because cocoon can be used as a verb -- which means that cocooning is rightly a word. I hope writers will not become so dependent on spell-check that they lose the ability to write and think about grammar.
rust phoenix 2007-09-08 ch 1,	abuseI really like the title to this piece, it definitely looks interesting. Once again, the first line is perfect for drawing the reader in. You do a good job describing the woman's pose - the way a character moves and holds themself is a great way to subtly indicate their personality and how others perceive them (okay, I know singular "they" isn't technically grammatically correct, but I am one of those people who think it should be). Shouldn't "autumn and barren scenery" be "barren autumn scenery?" Or do you mean something else? Do not avoid the word "said" when you are writing dialogue. It is looked down on in the literary community to overuse substitutes for the word. A lot of writers, including me, sometimes worry they are using it too much, but the word is practically invisible to the reader. An exception is if the character is saying something in a tone that is not evident from the words, such as if the speaker is being sarcastic. (Sorry if I already pointed this out in a review. I've said something along those lines in a lot of reviews lately, because practically everyone on this site is afraid to use the word) Great job with describing the woman's thoughts. It really says a lot about her personality, but still keeps the reader guessing. I like your description of his mind cocooning itself around a question. Spellcheck says it's not a word, but it sounds like one to me. Maybe it's a rare word, because spellcheck sometimes doesn't get those. If you made up the phrase, excellent job - there is nothing wrong with making up words for writing as long as it works effectively to convey your meaning and doesn't confuse the reader (well, that's my view of the issue, at least. I have a thing for experimental writing, so others might see it differently). Actually, I like your descriptions period. This story has a very stylized feel to it, and it's very gripping. Some of your metaphors work much better than others. For example, the black cold eye of the barrel is extremely powerful. Others, like "killing the silence" sound a bit clumsy. The idea is a good one, I think you could phrase it so it sounds better. The ghost of a smile is excellent, but "lips that had no life" doesn't really flow right - it sounds too flowery and out of place. You don't want to have unnecessary words. For example, you could change it to "The ghost of a smile haunted her lifeless lips." Okay, it's still flowery, but I think it sounds better. Hmm, I really don't know what to make of the ending. I thought the first two scenes were much more effective. Endings are probably the hardest part of a story to write, because we (writers) are rushing to get them done, consciously or unconsciously, and we can end up summarizing or sounding really pretentious. This wasn't bad, but I just don't think it matched the level of the rest of the story. Overall, this is a strong piece of writing. You have interesting and well-developed characters, whom you show a lot of insight into. The plot is great for the most part, and there are moments when the writing reaches an extremely beautiful level. My main concrit is to keep your writing descriptive, but try not to be so flowery, and put more time into writing your endings, because they are the most important time for describing and showing how the characters have developed. You have a very interesting writing style that completely draws me in, and I think you really improved it when you wrote They Who Sin after this story. P.S. I forgot to answer this in my last review reply. She never came down is probably the best poem I've got posted on here, judging by the reviews and stats for it. I'm not sure if I can say I've got anything else in the style of it, because I don't really think I have a usual style, but I think my newer poems are pretty good.

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