|Reviews for War|
| Irony's.Last.Words.Were 7/25/07 . chapter 4
I have one word for you: In-ter-esting!
Sorry I didn't review for the last chapter, but it was in my inbox and I completely forgot about it until I saw you had updated again. Apologies.
You did a very good job with whatever attacked Ajax and Ben. You didn't reveal it at all, but I could feel the fear that must have been coursing through Ben's veins and through Ajax's mind. Very well written.
I can't wait until your next update! Keep writing, you're doing extremely good! "King to you".
| Lord Leachim 7/22/07 . chapter 2
one of the other reviewers said "I love how you kept the character's identities secret for now." that actually annoys the crap out of me. not a big deal though
tons of spelling and grammar mistakes here, but i'm not too picky about those. if you wanted to submit this to a magazine or a publisher you'd have to fix those.
the chapter is kind of pointless though. you set up for a big battle scene and make a point to show how serious it is ... and then end it all in like two paragraphs. big scary army attacks village, and two guys show up and fight them all off. not terribly believable.
fight scenes are tricky. a lot of people write fight scenes like this: "my character swung his sword a bunch of times and fought the enemies, and pretty soon it was all over." that really does not leave the reader with much information. if you're going to write a battle scene, write the whole scene.
the problem is that you have these two guys go to fight a battle when the reader knows nothing about them. you call the bad guys "murderers and rapists" in order to make us hate them, and since the good guys are "defending the king" that makes us like them. you're manipulating the sympathies of the reader rather than making realistic characters.
i don't want to just bash your story. i'm just saying that this story would be so much better if you took the time to make a believable character and wrote a realistic battle scene, rather than just resort to stereotypes. it's not easy, but good writing never is.
| Irony's.Last.Words.Were 7/20/07 . chapter 2
I smiled at him, "Time to get back to the barracks then, now that we've done nothing to impress our King."
Ajax hauled himself to his feet, "Sounds good to me."
King to you, my friend, once again. Great job with this chapter, though I am starting to feel the pressing urgency to get to know the characters you write about!
Great descriptions when you were talking about The Unknown taking away things from the families. Wonderful, that was.
Great usage of descriptions throughout the whole piece. It all seemed to flow together, like ti would if you were really there, or were watching it on a screen somewhere. Good job, and update soon!
p.s. I like the names Ben and Ajax. :D
| Irony's.Last.Words.Were 7/19/07 . chapter 1
*sits for a minute with mouth hanging open* I love how you kept the character's identities secret for now. That is probably my favorite type of writing, mysterious, and leaves you wondering and wanting to find out who they are. :D Very devious. AND-you avoided the confusing use of too many pronouns. That's very tricky, something which many writers (including myself) are still learning to master. "King to you" as they say in Count of Monte Cristo.
Good job! I can not wait to see who becomes who and what happens to those "who's"! Please update soon!
p.s. If you're confused about the "king to you" thing, then I can explain. The two main guys in "Count of Monte Cristo" had this thing when they were children (b/c they've been friends all their lives) where they would give the king piece from a chess set to whoever made a smart move in life. Like, weaseling out of a tough situation or something. So-"king to you, my friend".
| J. A. Kossler 7/17/07 . chapter 1
First thing going through my mind:
When is this set?
because in medieval and greek/roman times, no one fought wars during the darkness. They always broke off the battles when evening approached and waited until sunrise to roust the armies again.
I like the power in your prose, though. Your prose is very good. Healthy, strong, and relatively free of cliches.
(Please take a look at my story, too! :D)
| GloomDestiny 7/17/07 . chapter 1
Seems rather mysterious. I'm looking forward to read more on what happens. Keep up the good work.
If you have time check out my story and leave a comment.