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| artificial destiny 2008-04-25 ch 1,  | abusewhen i first started reading it wasnt very captivating but after the first two lines it was really really powerful i think you can do without the first two. but thats just my advice good writing! -artificial destiny |
| simpleplan13 2008-03-02 ch 1, | abuseI like this... the rhyming is nice and I love the third and fourth line although the word melancholy seemed a bit weak... teh other thing that seemed a bit off was the ellipses...other than that it's a really powerful and nicely done peice |
| Midnight In Eden 2008-02-17 ch 1, | abuseReview Game! Overall, this is a little trite. The same topic has been the subject of thousands of different poems and it's hard to make such a topic sound interesting. These images, in particular, were the big cliches: Lost to the abyss, slice my wrist, melancholy fires, Hanging on a wire. The last line is interesting and I think seizing upon the idea of becoming either something better is an interesting and yes, different way to approach this topic. Right now, look at more vivid, specific imagery and try to give us a clearer picture. It is quite abstract as it stands. Technical tidbits: ellipses. Kill them all. They're so overused and dull in poetry that it's better to let your words trail off themselves instead of inserting them here. In fact, I don't feel that L1, L3 or L6 really "Trail" off at all. They could all be replaced easily by commas. Rhyme is hard to pull off without sounding forced and while it creates a discernible rhythm, it just feels hollow in this piece. I think a lot of this poem is also constrained to the rhyme scheme and without it you could expand out on your imagery and try some new things. Overall, this isn't bad but there is room for improvement. It feels very "bare-bonesy" right now and the cliched nature of it makes it hard for me to really enjoy it per se but with some work it could be quite interesting. Good luck with an edit. Midnight |
| kloun doll 2007-08-24 ch 1, | abusethe imagery is raw but good too. |
| xfail 2007-07-24 ch 1, | abuseIf you had not said that you rarely wrote poetry, I would not have known. It is quite original and right to the point, and the emotions you speak of are ones I can easily relate to. Good job. |
| Rapture Whispers 2007-07-23 ch 1, | abuseHm, not bad. |