Good job on this chapter, seeing as how character development is needed. Some humor and plot references were here and there, so that is good.

Excellent job, not much for correction. But, there are still some sentences which are slightly distracting, though not that much. I know you are a busy person, so I won't be cruel (as I usally am) and say, "correct them right now!" But, instead, I'll keep it at a nice and non-stressing "a.s.a.p."

Continue on this story which I have become so fond of!

Your ever-present,

Nimit

Okay, so *this* chapter is technically Chapter 4, but whatever. Well, not much happened in this chapter. It felt like a random filler and not to offend but left me a little disinterested or at least apathetic. But since it's only the first four/five chapters, there's nothing wrong with that right now. My own work doesn't speak well for me, either.

Since there was little action, let's see if we can find any grammar stuff:

- "When all of their undergarments were... with wide eyes." [That was a freaking long sentence. Mention all the stuff between the dashes before it a separate sentence.]

- "Elaigh couldn’t have felt prettier." [Bad contraction, trying to sneek in there!]

- "It was, instead, the tall dark man beside her. Just as Lilia had said, he was the moon. He was wearing all white, head to toe. Even his short straight hair was white." [That makes no sense - is it white or dark coloured? In the Victorian era they didn't have the kind of hair dyes and sprays that we do now. He'd have to be wearing a powedered wig... Also if you put 'instead' in front of the whole sentence you can use less commas. Comma ninjas strike again!]

- "Just below her breasts a green satin ribbon had been tied around, clasping shut at the back." ['Clasping shut' isn't exactly the best choice of words for a ribbon being tied in a bow behind one's back. Might be better to phrase 'A green, satin ribbon tied just below her chest, the bow at the middle of her back' or something to that effect. 'Clasping' just makes it sound like a clip or a cage or something other than a bow.]

That's about all the complaints I have. Can't wait for the next chapter and the Festival! Keep on writing! ( :: )

Intriguing storyline. I liked the part when Elaigh tried to tell her mother about Peorin; it really touched me. There were a few grammar and spelling mistakes. I can't wait to read the next part!

i cant wait to see who the new character is... maybe an escourt for Elaigh? :) i cant wait, i love your story so far, and am waiting anxiously for more... i hope your having fun in school! :)
~RoxyFairy~

Everything that JJSlam said (well, most of it) I agree with. Grammatical errors were present, but they didn't distract the reader too much, and the plot is thickening... good.

Seems as if you have planned this story out nicely, though what I said before should still be heeded.

Nevertheless, good work and I have a good feeling that the colour-coordination just might be twisted around enough for the reader to think the light angels are good and the dark angels are bad. However, I am sure that you will make it so that it is the vice versa.

Hate to be repetitive,

Nimit

Oh, yes, chapter 4! Let's have a look-see here:

- ARGGH! Seriously why does she have to be so emo AND added to that childish? It has nothing to do with you the writer, but sometimes I can't stand Elaigh. If she really wanted to know why they were talking about her brother, she should have stayed and persistently asked why until she was dragged out instead of stomping away like an angry pony. Walking away like that isn't really strength at all (in my eyes).

- "...until her father moved in his seat, causing the leather to groan." [Not really liking the word 'groan' for the sound of leather outsreatching itself. Normally, I'm fine with inanimate objects being personified, but... I dunno, something about 'groan' seems a little off.]

- "Niether of you have met previously, have you?" [Small typo, should be 'neither'.]

- "Biting the inside of her cheek so she [would not let out a spew of] hateful words at the angel..." ['To let out a spew' doesn't really make much sense. You might have been going for 'to spew out'. Plus, it uses less words.]

- "...she replied, ignoring the fact that she was insulting him by addressing him by his first name." [It might have been more interesting here to show the other characters expressions. Did Jasper twinge at his first name left untitled? Did her dad throw her a warning glare? When in doubt, show -- don't tell.]

- Elaigh better watch herself. If Jasper has any ability to harm her, you know she'll get it. What I've never really liked about some fantasy protagonists is they never seem to recieve any ramifications for their actions. If you insult a foreign leader, chances are they'll do something to screw you over, be it through war, the economy or the someone's personal life. Do I expect immediate results? No, but it better come back to bite them in the ** later!

Well, not much else editing wise. I'm still not a big fan of Elaigh's childish, emotion driven personality, but hopefully she'll change later on. Oh, and wizard rock = love! The Remus Lupins are awesomeness. Keep on writing!

I actually quite like this chapter over the past two chapters. I do however bear a few notes, some grammatical, some story-wise:

- "[And] waiting from them were two neatly wrapped packages..." [Personally, the 'and' is completely unnecessary for two reasons: One, it's really glaring when a sentence starts with a conjunction. I realize most writers do this to add sentence emphasis or dramatic effect. Two, the sentence before it has nothing to do with the rest of the 'and' sentence. If the packages are the focus of the opening, then focus on Elaigh's anticipation. Don't get distracted by what Lilia's home smells like, despite the impulse to describe everything. If Elaigh's really that excited, do think she'd be noticing the smell of her friend's house that she probably knows by now?]

- "...Elaigh was shaped like a boy. [But] this dress made her look… magnificent." [This is a case where it might be better just to combine the two sentences or at least start a new, more interesting sentence. Not gonna lie, the phrase a little overused. If Elaigh's such a tomboy, let her personality reflect in the way she thinks about her appearance.]

- "Elaigh couldn’t hold a candle to Lilia." [Let me describe this sentence with an ever decriptive 'Blech!'. It's really more of a personal preference. Stuff like this and the descriptions before and after send up the red Mary Sue flag. Naturally beautiful characters I normally don't have problem with (pretty people can exist). It's when an author goes out of their way to describe how beautiful their character is AND have other characters faun and make irrational contrasts that I become anerved. Shouldn't something like the fact that Lilia has more self confidence count? Quit making Elaigh so emo! Can't she just have a happy moment for once? Again, sorry for the mini-rant.

Another thing about this sentence: If and when you can, do not have contractions in story narrative. It might look awkward, but since text is formal writing, things like "it's" and "couldn't" should be avoided.]

- "In front of one of her windows [– facing the Claughnat Mountains, of course –] was an easel with a fresh canvas sitting on it." [Forget the dashes and everything in between them. You mention the mountains again in the suceeding sentence. Just put the proper noun there.]

- "It was sickeningly sweet, [it’s] dulcet tones." [Should be just 'its'. Possesive 'it' has no apostrope. Also, I think you were going for 'tone' instead of the plural. The description seems more about the air, the presence... kind of the vibe they give off, the sweetness with a hint of almost arrogance that makes you want to cringe. This all could have just been a typo and I'm talking way too much...]

- "The cruel, insulting words were said in a kind manner, so kind they almost lost their meaning." [To me, the words Peorin was using seem almost *impossible* to miscontrue as kind. No matter how one says it, those words will be demeaning. How could they be encouraging (which might better a more fitting word than 'kind')? Well, it's not in the words themselves. Meaning in any words spoken to us lies in they way someone looks the other in the eyes when they say it, how well one knows the person or how the individual personally interprets it.]

- Going back to Peorin in Elaigh's dream: You mention that he 'had something different about him, something in the way he stood, in the presence about him". Well, what *was* different? Was his back straight and was he looking down on her with contempt, his fists clenched at his sides? Description is the key to everything. Yes, some overdo it, but in certain parts of this chapter (particularly in this dream sequence) you're lacking.

Wow! I didn't intend to write that much! Sorry if I got a little rant-y. I shall return to read chapter four in time. You might even have chapter 5 up by then (hopefully!). Keep on writing! ( :: )

haha- she showed him! go E!

is he an angel? oh no no no no no no...

"All the windows had been opened to let in the fresh air from the afternoon. In front of one of her windows – facing the Claughnat Mountains, of course – was an easel with a fresh canvas sitting on it..." is what you wrote. This is, naturally, grammatically incorrect. There is no need for elongated hyphens, unless a comma cannot be used (which in this case, it can). Parentheses are always an orthodox choice.

However, once more I see the same color discrimination prominent in your writings and characters. Hopefully, they will not be as their appearances prophess.

I liked this Chapter actually, Miss Alex. It was very much thought-out and more detailed (thought the lack was still there).

Constructive criticism is always helpful, be a dear and do the same for me if you can. Not to impose, however, I would like it if someone such as yourself could also see what my writing lacks.

Glad to be of service,

Nimit

Something I forgot to mention in my Chapter 1 review is that colored favortism should be avoided. I saw some of that as you spoke of the "Festival of Light," Dark Mist, etc. It would be good for the reader to find an opinion of there own without the Tolkien-like discriminations between good and evil.

Personally, I wouldn't mind a well-dressed man in bright clothing leading the evil "Army of Light" toward the "Peasants Rebels of Darkness". However, that's obviously an exaggeration. There is always symbolism involved in a writer's mind, whether subconscious or conscious. (i.e. "She paused in her fruit gathering and enjoyed the moment silently. Taking her chance, Elaigh watched his face as he picked up the apples, his blonde, wispy bangs falling in his face.") Why does he have to be blonde? Why can't he have dark hair and still have the same appeal? See? Subconscious filtering is obviously apparent. (i.e... more..:"The mark of a dark angel [was on the blonde man].") Why does he have to be a dark angel to be hated? I think you get the point.

The name choices, I also thought, were lacking. I do not like the main character's name because it doesn't sound like a girl's name, personally. And the Tolkien-like weird names appear once more. The Father's name is also a bit... unique. But you are the writer, of course... and I am but the critic. I, personally, don't like names that need repeated self-consoling on how to pronounce correctly ^^;;.

Is Elaigh of a prosperous family? Or is she quite poor? She seems as if she is very prosperous: the dress, her not caring about her linen clothing, etc. Therefore, if this wasn't your aim, I take it you should edit. However, I'm sure it was (but it's just a head's up.)

For chapter 1, I have to say you have fairly few errors (though some exist, and some editing is needed), but we're all human and we make mistakes sometimes. Anyhow, I think some detail could still be administered to the battle in the village. Not only was it too quick, but the story itself went on a slow-fast-slow-fast pace. There was no constant rhythm to the writing.

Grammar is good, however, and there were fairly few distractions from the plot.

Yep, I think flow and description is all you need.

Keep up the good work ^^,

Nimit

gee, HOT bad angels? well thats the only way to put it, though.
ugly ones wouldnt be tempting for girls like Elaigh!
like me...
:)
Lilia DOES sound evil...
hmm, foreshadowing here? :)

Okay so unlike last chapter, there are a few grammar/spelling errors. Nothing too big, tho':

- "she threw it at the angel[']s head" [The apostrophe because it's possessive case]

- "He dodged the apple easily[] and with a shake of his head[] turned around and began to head out of the village." [Oh my, an attack by the Comma Ninja! Technically, you don't need commas in any of the places you put them. The sentence will still function without them. Actually come to think of it, anything after the first 'and' I would like to see as a seperate sentence.]

- "The villagers[] and the travelers[] had been giving..." [Again, you don't need the commas here. They just get in the way of reading the text.]

- "“Is [that] all you need of me, mother?” Elaigh asked through..." [Forgot a small word there.]

- "she took off her other [slipped] before stepping" [You probably meant 'slipper' here.]

- "Under a rock she kept a blanket and some [tolls]..." [Again, you meant to say 'tools' most likely.]

- "Now come, you know I hate it hear" [Another small typo, hear should be 'here'.]

Most of you problems in this chapter are typos. Things like that can easily be detected if you read the chapter to yourself, slowly as to catch anything unusual or misspelled. Anywho, a few more notes about the chapter itself:

- Okay, good, we have a few descriptions of people... but nothing yet about Elaigh. Despite her lack of physical description, her character is well developed as of now. That's redeemable; otherwise we'd have to have a little chat.

- Why, why, WHY does she go back to the creek? She specifically knows that the Dark Angel haunts that area so with some brains she should know not to go around there if the thing is looing for her. Okay, so you as the author feel she needs a little angsting time and must be within her brother's presence to do so. I guess angst doesn't need logic; it needs feelings.

- Now, a small question: Is the water itself haunted (as in, the thing is magically connected to it) or was that just the place the Dark Angel happened to be at the time? If that water is possessed, then she should NOT be dipping even her feet in that creek.

I've never understood why people assume that "Wow, haunted water? Cool!" Do they realize that the water might spill over during rainy season, get into their drinking water and hence engulfing the spirit?... Sorry if that does not apply to you; that was just a little side rant for myself.

- Lilia doesn't seem bitchy to me. Just because she doesn't want her clothes torn and muddy doesn't make her a whiny **. Maybe she's wearing fine fabric that she shouldn't get ruined, unlike Elaigh's linen. In fact, she seems smarter than Elaigh:

"Lilia did not move from where she was. She never did. Elaigh never understood, but Lilia never went in the Spring."

Yeah, no duh she doesn't want to go near it. It's friggin' possessed water, and your brother died for playing in that water, as you almost did if he hadn't saved you! If these people really do believe in dark spirits and magic, then Lilia has every right to be scarred.

Ranting aside, I think this could be a very good story with a little tweaking. I do hope you continue. Also, thanks for you review! ( :: )

I do like the setting for this story, the way that angels are portrayed as not-so-nice creatures. Since there really isn't much grammar or spelling issues to point out, I only have two points of contention about the chapter:

- There lacks some detail about what the characters look like. Perhaps you'll describe them in the next chapter, but a little description, even if it's only about their hair color or the way their bodies are built, can help a person visualize better.

- Elaigh and Peorin seem to know about the angel and the black mist of the spring. Why then do they feel the need to go splashing about in the water that could potentially take their lives? If the rest of the villagers know about this deadly spirit, they should have made a wall baring anyone from stepping into it.

On a side note that has nothing to do with a critique of the story, how is Elaigh pronounced? Again, the prologue is very intriguing so it's off to the next chapter with me! ( :: )