Reviews for Tell Me A Story - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: Tell Me A Story

L3G3nD 2008-03-21 ch 1,	abuseOMG! That's really, really cute! I'd like to praise you for having such interesting dialogs, they talk like a real person! Hmm what comes into my attention is the first paragraph. [It was a mystery, the newest book in the current series of his favorite author. Mystery was his favorite genre and when he wasn’t on duty or teasing his friends, he could usually be found reading a suspenseful title.] There are two mystery(s) are being repeated, almost at the begining of the sentence. Try using other words to replace it and it'll be just fine! Happy writing! Nice chapter anyway!
AOK 2007-12-23 ch 6,	abuseAw~ :D I think the ending was nice. I can imagine Rob with the towel over his head...haha. Wonderful story!
TheMagicalMathPixie 2007-11-26 ch 5,	abuseI loved this chapter! The names were a bit hard to follow, though it could be my lack of knowledge of the Chinese language. I also would like to suggest some sort of line or something at the change of scenes at the beginning, sometimes it was a bit difficult to decipher. Other than that, it was wonderful. Definitely weird though, random dimension shifting? Very creative.
AOK 2007-10-24 ch 4,	abuseThe next story sounds interesting~ Fire and Ice was cool. I read it, but I just never got around to reviewing it...
AluminumMuse 2007-10-06 ch 1,	abuseOver all, really good. Also, Happy Birthday. Some technical and style errors that I found: In the first paragraph, you describe the book as being new twice. Also, do we need to know that the story is mystery? If it is important to his character, expand on it a littl bit. Just a few interesting words, a sentence or two. Laci walked out the kitchen, with her flowery pink apron still wrapped around her waist. -- You don't need a comma after 'kitchen.' Never add a sentence unless it develops character or moves the plot (/theme) forward. If you want to convey that she is very attached to her kitchen, then just write always in the kitchen. If there aren't many kitchen scenes, then her attachment can't be that important anyways. Think Robert think! -- Should be: Think, Robert, think! The police officer racked his brain for one of the witty responses that were his trademark. -- You seem to have stuck in that he was a police officer here as an afterthought. You can incorporate this subtly through conversation and it will sound much better. Laci gave into the laughter she had tried so hard to suppress. -- Small point, but avoid filler words (so, very, extremely, ect.) and instead use stronger verbs, nouns, and metaphor-ish-ness to get emotion and character development. “I love you too.” Was the automatic reply. -- Should be: “I love you too,” was the automatic reply. “Now come and eat dinner.” Laci commanded. -- Likewise, this should be: “Now come and eat dinner,” Laci commanded. She rolled her eyes and went to pick up the shrilling device. -- Possible verb confusing. For clarity's sake, just say ringing or buzzing or 'which was spitting out metallic bar from her favorite band.' He was fond of Laci’s formidable mother. -- You can show this with his actions. Also, the complex a relationship is, the better. Try to avoid flat characters (character who don't change over the course of the story, have no irregularities, and have only a few character traits other than those which are strictly physical. Rob began to eat his neglected and now lukewarm dinner. -- We can assume he is eating it 'now,' so it isn't necessary to specify. Only add present tense-ish thing (now, here, etc) when it is absolutely unavoidable, they distract the reader. Other than that, though, quite good. Your writing style is smooth and (usually) clear, the characters are fairly believable so far. You don't go on and on about the 'I love you more'; 'no, I love you more' crap that some authors feel compelled to spew all over their couples. Feather La
TheMagicalMathPixie 2007-09-09 ch 2,	abuseIt's cute! Nia is my favorite.
AOK 2007-08-25 ch 2,	abuseSque that story sounds so cool~~ :D The, "Don't do anything stupid," made me think of Mrs. Newton. XD Of course you know why. ...you know what's really funny? It was raining here, too, when I started reading the part of the story where the power went out. XD Muahaha.
Marnie-Chan13 2007-08-24 ch 2,	abuseOh, no! /Newton!/ XD BTB, darling: '...appropriate for watching with movies, /Rob/ had managed to successfully put the movie in.' I think that should be 'Ethan'. :o Rob had already left. (Just thought you'd like to know to change it.) Loved it. Update soon. (Though I know that'll be a challenge. XD) -Marn-chan ;D
AOK 2007-07-28 ch 1,	abuseXD The whole "Do you LOVE me?" bit made me grin. It was a very interesting first chapter.
Marnie-Chan13 2007-07-28 ch 1,	abuseYay~ New stroy~~! XD Hehe...baby-sitting the little sises... Liking it so far Stephie. Update soon~ ;D

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