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| DarkBlysse 2007-08-24 ch 1,  | abuseReview Game! Woot! And don't worry--I read the rules. =\ First off, I like how you separated "No. I couldn’t be." from the lines around it. That really added impact to it, and that was the perfect line to do it with. "We flitted throughout the house, snatching up various items of stationery and uniform." --'Uniform' just sounds odd there by itself. I'd suggest adding 'our' and then pluralizing, so it's '...and our uniforms'. "...her deep brown eyes bearing into mine."-I'm not too fond of how you used 'bearing' there. 'Boring' or 'drilling' or some such word might be better. Okay, I've got a question for you. How does Steph know Alexa's name? Well, this was okay, Whirr, though it really lacked a hook for me. I mean, okay, Alexa's thinking, but that wasn't enough of a draw for me to want to come back. |
| Otseis Ragnarok 2007-08-24 ch 2, | abuseNice, but one complaint lingers: You seem to be over-descriptive about things which seem unimportant. For example: "I looked up. She was walking backwards down the corridor, laughing. Her ear cartilage was pierced; the earring glittered in the afternoon sun that shone through the window." Does the reader really need to know this? Is there any particular reason your character would point this out? But I don't want to get too nit-picky. I like your story, and the apparant struggle your character is ahving with her sexual identity. |