 Kindre Turnany 2007-08-03 . chapter 1This one is definitely better than "The Teen Dream."
I really dislike the wording of the last sentence though. Try to use stronger verbs so the sentence really kicks the reader in the face. The more nosebleeds the better.
And your sentences are sometimes wordy and awkward sounding. Say exactly what you want in as few words as possible. Then you can add to it if you feel the need. |