   Papi Prolix 2007-08-14 . chapter 2While I haven't seen many errors in the way of grammar or spelling, I do have this sense (mentioned by the previous reviewer) that these two chapters were rushed. The settings weren't fleshed out. The confession by Fiona, the switches in setting during the escape, even the fight between Mathais seems rushed. It just jumps from scene to scene too quickly, squishing out possible options for story twists and turns. There was too much going on (specifically Chapter 1) that after reading I was almost completely turned off from reading the rest, and if I didn't know that you were capable of better caliber writing than this (i.e. The Dream of Reality, SP 1 & 2, All my Highschoolers) I wouldn't have continued reading. But I do know, and while not up to your usual writing capabilites, chapter 2 was a significant improvement.
Referring specifically to Chapter 2.
When switching views from the escapees to the defense room caught me off guard, and not in a good way. I had to completely re-read those two paragraphs (more than once) to realize that the viewpoint had change. Secondly, in the fight after Mathias was stabbed with the knife in his side, it said he stabbed Kali's remaining leg with the knife, but in the next sentence you changed the knife to his sword. |
 Snip2r 2007-08-07 . chapter 1Yay, number I came out... aside from that nothing to say at the moment. This chapter felt slightly rushed, with extremely blurred line here and there. Aside from that, I'm looking forward to it. |
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