"I pushed the hair out of my forehead, and took a deep breath."

It should be, "I pushed the hair from my forehead..."

No I'm terribly anxious to know what's in the notebook. >.< Update soon, please!

-Ramen

“But she never asks. You’re going to eat with us right?” There needs to be a comma between us and right.

Hm...I feel a connection brewing between Derick and Jessifer. Who. We'll see. XD

-Ramen

“I guess I kind of expect it – you being here, but not…"

I think "expect" would sound better if used in the past tense.

The transition between his vision/hallucination...whatever it was, haha...went very smoothly. I like how you made Jimmy manifest in his son for that scene. Nicely done. ^ ^

-Ramen

In the first paragraph, I think "caffeine had ever been his only vice" is supposed to be "caffeine having ever been his only vice." I think. Don't quote me on it. XD I love your writing style-it keeps my attention.

-Ramen

Nevermind about the comment on why this was in the Thriller genre. I get it now. M

I'm not getting why you put this down under the Thriller genre. That's my major issue with this one. However, I love your characters and that you are one of the few with a vocabulary (Yay!) and I really like the voice. Not only is it unique, but it gives the piece its flavor, it adds another level of emotion to the words, edging on the zenith. And I'm really adoring the fact that I can imagine all of what you're writing about, it's relatable, and it's marvelous. And now I'm about to prove my age when I say thank you for mentioning Jazz bands in your fic! I'm in one, and most people say that it's a dying art... but we won't quit! ( and now I'm over that, thank you for your patience) Kudos, keep it up! M

I like the character of Jack. The source of his anger seems to be from a dark, yet realistic source. And it's also somewhat ironic, which brings the character really to life. I like his inner-thoughts as well.

Though it may add a lot to add some more action along with the dialogue. Give some details about the setting--cleverly. Have your character gaze around the room and describe it. Everytime there's an awkward moment, have him transfix himself on something while he thinks.

One other thing, you seem to overuse italics. I know you're trying to have exclaimation on certain words, and in some places it works.

"'Since when have ghosts walked anywhere?'" This is one of the sentences that kind of concedes my point. The only word not italisized in that is "when." Italics is a good device to use, but like any other device, it can be over-used.

"

Hm... iinntteresting. Did you know that beer tastes like pig slop? lol. That's what my mom said, anyway... I've only ever tasted non-alcoholic pig slo- I mean, beer. It tasted... gross. Kinda like mushy... grit. Not really bitter, not sweet at all... just... pungent and odorous and icky. ANYWAY. NOW we know maybe where the story is going. If you continue it, anyway. I liked how you slid from Derek to Jimmy back to Derek again. It was realistic.

Whenever I read "rearrange" and "face" in the same sentence, I think of plastic surgery. Or really bad boxing matches.

Disjointed review, I know. My mind is random right now.Good story so far. Realistic, although (ahem) you COULD use more description. It was a little bit sparse, but you know. I got the basic setting, but not the little details that made the home. I didn't get a sense of colors. Which could be good in a time of grief, everything beind colorless, but... I'd more want to get a sense of dark or grey.

~K

So what's this story going to be about? There's no hint of a mystery or any real plot direction yet... but then, it's good writing, and it's still interesting. Seems like there should be something to hint at where it's going.

~K

Hm... at the beginning I thought "what a cry-baby", but that was just my tired brain speaking. It's a very intreguing prologue. I have a suspicion... We'll see... maybe. But then again... yeh. Anyway. I should stop talking to myself in this review. lol. Good prologue. Nice contrast of characters.

~K

Another excellent chapter, champ. I know it's been a while since I read this story, but I feel like I'm right back in the middle of things. If anything, you're doing a great job building up suspense and curiosity. The meeting with Jimmy's ghost came in at the perfect time; enough to propel the story forward, even though much of it concerns the past. I still don't know what direction you're going to take this in--supernatural? mystery?--but I guess I'll have to wait and see. Keep it coming, bro.

This chapter was very moving. It's not often that a person can capture the essence of real grief in their writing, but you did it quite well.

I also enjoy how you're fleshing out your characters without slowing the story down with physical descriptions, etc.

And obviously, you've left the reader wanting to know just what really happened, why Jimmy really killed himself--which is the most important thing thus far, it seems.

Haha, brilliant, absolutely brilliant. I can't do anything except laugh, because I have no idea how someone with your talents isn't on the Bestseller lists by now. And this isn't just flattery, trust me.

"My life was not one marred by extravagant suffering. It was merely yellowed by melancholy."

Parallelism and imagery, wow, those were beautiful lines.

You got the point across--there was a huge element of shock at the end of the prologue. I loved the twist.

"the sturdiest of we three supports."

we? I'm not sure if it fits...

Somehow I can't really feel myself relating to this main character here, despite all the grief going on. Which makes it feel bland to me :/

I did think everything fits in the story, what with the actions and dialog and all. I suppose I just can't connect to it. Still, best of luck!

A nice start with efficient background information that revealed all necessary.

I did not spot any spelling errors, so good for you! ^^

At the start though, it became all very fancy wordings (4th paragraph I think) that didn't seem to fit with the rest.

Though the story idea feels a bit generic ("Oh gosh, HE killed himself? Of all the happy-happy people?" kind of way) I think it's good so far.

We'll see how this turns out!
-Fractured Illusion