oh! new characters! and a plotline! woo hoo! quite exciting. i like this will guy. actually i don't. he's kinda sketchy. victoria... i think she knew about the engagement before their little "fling". she seems violent cuz she killed that guy in the last chapter. ooh calling your friend's dad by his first name...that's freaky. haha! i like this chapter. it was long! very exciting. ahh i can't wait to find out more about this story. like who the men are and stuff...why isn't there a girl on the bad guy team?!?! jesse's always like "the men are coming, the men are coming." why isn't there a girl? i think there should be this hot girl on the bad guy team, and she and victoria should have a huge face off to the death... that would be cool. i like that will is british... but it's weird that he's gonna be following jesse around all the time now... i wonder if he has any fighting skills... i hope he surprises me and has mad kung fu skillz. that would be cool. i'm rambling. but i like this chapter and the characters and everything about it... love it. post soon!

Heya. Concerto. Ha, you're going to back it longer eh?

"She had long and curly black hair flowing down her back, looking wonderful beside her pretty features." - the bit after the comma doesn't sound right.
"Colorado looked back at her as if to say, what?" - the 'as if to say' sounds a bit too.

It's good that you were expressing the thoughts of the characters and exploring them. Perhaps you could fix up the wording here and there, but overall it was okay. It was suprisingly written to earn a wow, but it has its worth. Glad you used words instead of line breaks for time separation.

Some of the flow and scenes were a little unfit, but were generally okay. Anyhow. For now. Me.

I'm going to have to say that your characters' demeanor falls apart. The situation where your character meets 'the girl' feels stilted, and her thoughts seem unnatural. Since I can only imagine your main character is supposed to be the calm, collected, aloof type. Having him draw his sword before there is immediate danger is unnatural for that character type, as well as giving any amount of time (in this case to look at) someone around him. If anything, simply have him dismiss her verbally. In addition, a stereotypically warrior/battle chick is not going to flush during a battle.
Also, the bad guy's approach is sudden, and rather awkward.
That said, your writing style is still as technical as before, and your vocabulary continues to impress me.

Omg .. it's been so long since i was on FP. I just had the urge to read your new story. It's quite good actually. Very unique. Oh and I changed my FP name again. from . . pPillsbury Girl to mz intoxicating. =) Keep on writing and updating this story!

I like the vulnerable and shy Victoria alot but Im kinda curious about what she did to Pablo behind the tree,(although I can make a huge assumption on what it is)
I want to know more about Jacob Mathews
you promised me you would tell me!!
I also have a feeling I know what "news" the adults are about to break to them!
Well yeah...
you must tell me!
ohk i am being kicked of the computer right now, so i have to go
but ill tell you that you have improved greatly in your writing and i am very proud of you!
good job!
:D

Hey, it's me again!

First, I'm just going to say thank you for your reviews to my poems. I think I'm ready to post another one up.

Second, this is very interesting, except you might want to describe the world he is living in. What I mean is, is that when Colorado is talking to Victoria, and the men come, he pulls out a sword and she doesn't flinch. It is fine if swordfighting is extremely common in his world, however, we don't know this. Am I making any sense, because sometimes I have a very hard time getting a point across.

Anyway, I will be looking foward to your next chapter. Please update soon!

~WISH

ooh! i like the love scene...
but isn't she a vampire?? get away from her, jesse! run away!
uh ok. this sentence: "You seem to strike at them by surprise." was a little confusing
and i think the last couple sentences of the chapter could have been worded more strongly to provide a forceful ending. overall it was really good!! i love the creativity with the plot. the descriptions are flawless and i have a really good picture in my mind of exactly what's happening. really good chapter! post soon. -suze

The kiss was expected and unexpected at once! That's something you don't come across very often! Well done.

Very well written! Funny too! I like your style.

It sounds like it could be really good, but I have no clue what it's about. So I can't really tell you much. If you are trying to write a prologue, then you might want to add more explanation. If it is going to be a prequel, then definitely add more explanation. I would read another part to this story.

I am going to begin wiht the stereotype: I loved it!
There. Now, with that out of the way...
I loved *goes to check* the th paragrph of this, I don't knwo why. i was reading and readin and than suddenly started laughing :) You say this is a prequal? To...what will become... I must go check that out, if you have written it of course. I'm off.
Nice job,
Kisses, Jodie
x

Well, your vocabulary is exemplary, and your flow is sturdy. If anything, I would save the exposition about his sword, and his friend until later. It breaks the flow, and releases some of the tension. It's commonly considered to be an error to start a composition with exposition about emotion, since it can't be supported by the reader's understanding of the situation. (Then again, there are no hard and fast rules of writing) Also, you may want to include a bit more about the setting here, or a description of your character.

Well, first of all, I feel that I must say something grotesquely cliched like, "Thanks for your reviews on my story." And even if it is sadly banal, I mean that. It's so nice to get feedback. And Inks... I rather like it. I like it a lot. ;)

This is intriuging. Very suspenseful, methinks. I can't wait to see where it's going. I like Colorado's thoughts; it's interesting how funny they are in such a grim situation.

CLICHE WARNING:
Keep writing!

Heya Concerto. I like things in order, so I'll have a try at this first.

Perhaps a bit more into the scenery/setting a the setup. Some deeper and lengthed description.
Overall, it was an okay start. Guess it wasn't dramatic enough. The main character could have been expressed a touch more emotional. Explore more on his feelings and all. Like the tree scene could have been more detailed and explained/explored, and played with more.
Yeah it was a touch short - perhaps it is a prologue. Can't say more for now.
Anyhow. Cheers. As to the title, you decide. As long as you think it's suitable.

You got me intrigued. The protagonist is believable. Please let me know when you update this, okay? Can't wait to be introduced to the other characters.

*adds story to story alert list*

Please keep writing!

~WISH