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Reviews For: They Who Sin - Reviews: Page 1 of 6

Written 2008-07-25 ch 2,	abuseThis review might be short as I'm not supposed to be online right now. el oh el parents. okay, so instead of going line by line, I'll just give you my impressions. first of all, liked her reaction to her brother's death and stuff. interesting how she can't reconcile it with her belief that death honors life. if that makes sense, you know? like she doesn't want him to die even though she thinks she should. the characters were easier to like in this chapter... so I got more connected to them. this is a good thing :) the ending of the chapter is the best part. it makes the reader want to know what happens next, as well as question the info they were given at the beginning. I don't use author/story alerts, but if you add more, you should PM me :) ps thanks for the review reply. I'd talk more but I gotta go!
written 2008-07-25 ch 1, anon.	abuseFP is messing up with me so I cant sign in. jesus. but I'm written, and I've reviewed you before (though you may not remember me) so you can at least sort of know who I am now so this review isn't too anonymous, right? haha that made no sense. mmkay, anyway, on with the review. [“There is no other reason why I have a knife under my pillow and an axe under the bed.”] BAM. awesome line. I was a little confused before that part, and still am, but it's a killer line and gets you hooked. [Murder carried such a burdening responsibility that it ended up adding to the four friends’ glee, if only because it encouraged them to see the bright side, as they could not be allowed to fall into too dark thoughts.] kind of... horrid. the use of the word glee makes it especially good. the phrase "burdening responsibility" rings a bit awkward though... [Thus she looked forward to taking each life, slashing all necks, and puncturing every heart until there was nothing left. The arena was her canvas and she was the artist that painted with blood to create her personal masterpiece.] very visual. so some quick advice... um. put the "18 years later" bit in bold or italics? first of all. but yeah, you can keep that, since the scene changes and stuff. It's a bit impersonal right now, in that I didn't end up worried about any character's fates, but perhaps you meant it to be that way? okay, more later. take care!
Vampire Girl13 2008-07-24 ch 1,	abuseThe beginning actually did not catch my attention. You should not listen to me, I am just weird.-bye
B. J. Winters 2008-07-23 ch 2,	abuseOpening: Nice line – draws one right into the action. And yet you follow it up with a couple of weak sentences that talk about waiting/being restless – take me right to the response of the command. The match “began” but I’m hearing about Saneth’s focus and watching - not what I want. You can tell me the backstory that later. So the farmers gave up. {is it farmer’s?} {excerpt} Because losing these three people, now exhausted yet overjoyed, would be too much of a loss for this world./Life needed those who could live it without guilt. {I like how this ties back to the first chapter, but I’m not sure I believe it. You might need another sentence or two here. These feel more like statements, rather than story} What was their solution? A tournament for uneducated soldiers, for mere commoners with weapons. {awkward/fragment} Winners would be granted a position in the military; a life and death game unless you would forfeit before your life was slain. {I’d take out the forfeit part – keeps it more black/white} No. /No, they were not that compassionate. She had never seen herself as such either. {not sure you need the two no’s} Tweaking the end of her lips upwards, {twisting? I’ve never heard of tweaking lips – perhaps that’s British slang…} Yorek nodded and did as told. Saneth shifted his focus to the two remaining friends while starting to rip the grass beside him. Dead grass served no purpose either way. {for some reason I liked this – very telling in character} Dialogue: I enjoyed Tulu’s more formal speech. It truly differentiates her with almost a dialect you use consistently. “Why? Yorek, have you forgotten your wounds and near defeats?” {defects? – is there a better word?} {except} Power had always tasted so delicious to his sensitive taste buds, making him yearn for more. {nice line} She was unaware of what to do. {rephrase} Meanwhile she assumed Yorek would shake without limits. Instead, he was motionless as if time had ceased. /{I’d look at your paragraph breaks from here to the end. And combine. One sentence paragraphs are powerful, but overused. Some others should just be combined as well, give the reader more to sink their teeth into.} “I’m trying!” {I got a bit lost around this dialogue. This section is choppy. This phrase just kind of hangs here and it needs more foundation} Ending: Nice forshadowing.
dragonflydreamer 2008-07-23 ch 2,	abuseThis was a very interesting chapter. The first part I liked about this chapter was how you briefly described the other characters from Saneth's point of view. you managed to take one of the main benefits of first person narration and place it into third person. It gave an interesting new perspective to the characters. The two deaths were well-written. Everyone stayed very in-character during those scenes. You also didn't make it too dramatic, which fit a lot of what this story has been talking about well. My only objection to this chapter is that you changed characters too frequently. I don't know how long you plan on making this, but if it's long enough to do so, I'd suggest spacing the character switches out more. This chapter particularly I think should have mainly focused on Yorek and Maka.
dragonflydreamer 2008-07-22 ch 1,	abuseI'll start by answering your questions. I think the dialogue and narration fit well together. They both had a formal style to them that I find befitting for a fantasy. In fact, I found them so similar that I was wishing there was a little more distinction between the two than just quotation marks, but that could just be me. The "18 years later" definitely helps the transition, but I'd suggest seperating it somehow. Maybe put it in italics or between two breaks? On with the review! You did a good job introducing the story. The beginning did an amazing job of capturing the reader's attention and providing a lot of information about Maka's past and motivation at the same time. You also introduced all of the characters naturally through normal action and dialogue. On the topic of characters, my favorite at this point is Yorek. The way you described him as childish (albeit in a violent context) made me sympathize with him more than the other characters. I can see this trait in him to be a refreshing contrast to the other main characters. At this point, I'm not seeing much difference between Tulu and Saneth, but I expect that this will improve as the story goes along. Typos: "Mama" should be capitolized in Maka's dialogue because it's replacing a name (occurred several times in the first section) "while the strangers dressed rather [simply]"
Kinderwhore 2008-07-22 ch 1,	abuseI liked how you began the story; it's very original and catches your attention. It also sets up/links to Maka's fighting later on the chapter, and provides justification for her choices and opinions. I also liked the moral... ambiguity, but I hesitate to use that word as the morality Maka hold doesn't seem that ambiguous. Just a little unconventional- and also dark, which is always a good thing. :) I can't write dark stories to save my life, so I really admire it in other people's work. As for characters, well so far Maka is the only one you've gone into in any depth, aided no doubt by the prologue/flashback of her childhood. However this is just the first chapter, so I'm assuming that the other characters will become more complicated as the story goes on. Btw, I also liked how you resisted the urge to describe her physical appearance in too much depth, yet didn't neglect it completely. As far as descriptions go, you've struck a good balance here. And as for the story itself, well I confess I'm intrigued; the moral grey area that Maka and by extension this story inhabits -by which I mean for her fighting, violence and manslaughter is something glorious, not shameful - catches my attention; mind you I've always been a sucker for grey areas... Anyway, this Gladiator-esque setup is one that I haven't seen much of before, and I can't help but wonder where you'll go with it... Whilst we're on the subject, I also liked how you've rewired death so that it somehow "honours" life. As for improvements... Well, you asked me to nitpick, so here it is! Mind you, I don't always catch EVERYTHING... "A child whose dress was covered in fresh blood {that was} not her own." -I also think the impact of this sentence could be strengthened if you were to give it its own paragraph to play with :) “When you grow up, you’ll understand the value of life, and how not all can be alike.”/“You protected your little brother, Maka." -Er shouldn't these be part of the same line? You CAN paragraph dialogue, but if you do you have to get rid of the closing speech mark in the middle, so that it reads: “When you grow up, you’ll understand the value of life, and how not all can be alike./“You protected your little brother, Maka." I also thought that you could somehow work the "18 years later" into the actual story itself, rather than having it written out at the top. Something like, "Eighteen years had passed since that night, and now Maka stood..." Only not so corny. "The differences between the strangers, her three peers and herself was that while the strangers dressed rather simple, some even in ordinary clothing of only wool, she and the three wore protective plate armour for their upper body, save for their arms and head." -I didn't really like your repetition of "her three, the three" etc. I know that you want Maka to stand out, but I think here you might let her blend into the group? So it reads, "the group, the foursome, the band" etc. "she said while free from shame, knowing well their future adversaries could hear" -I think "without shame" would work better here; you have to switch between long and short prose; it keeps the writing interesting. "obscured his eyes only the slightest." - "obscured his eyes only slightly"? "Saneth, commented. Though Saneth’s words" -I think you could switch the period/full stop for a comma here, these two sentences can easily merge into one. "Folding his muscular arms - that were too muscular and intimidating for some people - he stared" -You can delete "that were" here, that way the section follows smoothly on from "muscular arms". "Never any tries to disable, stump or such." -Maybe "attempts" will work better than "tries" here? "in a lack of a better word" -"for lack of a better word"? "Maka and her three comrades had several times proven" -"proved"? "Thus she looked forward to taking each life, slashing all necks, and puncturing every heart until there was nothing left." I think this would be more dramatic if you deleted the "and" and repeated "each". So that it reads: "Thus she looked forward to taking each life, slashing each neck, puncturing each heart until there was nothing left." ...Actually never mind; now that it's written down I see that was overkill (pun not intended). And that's it. Keep writing!
Skylark1 2008-07-21 ch 2,	abuseFor the review game! :) - Dialogue: I couldn't see any problems with this. I did think that it fit well with the rest of the text. It's straightforward, and very effective. I'm not sure what else I can say... - Characters: The characters are all very original, and I think you did a great job with them. If there's any criticism I can give, it would be that they're all a little too alike each other - but I think that in this case it only makes sense for them to be similar. After all, it takes a certain type of person to be able to fight to the death. I love all their names - they're original but very easy to pronounce! I like that. :P There was one thing that I thought was odd, and this was that Maka took her own life. It seemed a bit of a stretch that she would so focused on living on to honour the deaths of her victims , but then suddenly take her own life out of sorrow. I think she sees her suicide as also being honourable, but this part confuses me. It's hard to follow her train of thought. - Writing: The writing is, again, great. It flowed really nicely. There wasn't too much dialogue or too little, it wasn't bogged down in descriptions, and the plot moved quickly. There was nothing in it that made me hesitate and think: "That seems funny," in other words. - Spelling: I couldn't see any problems here. - Enjoyment: I enjoyed this quite a bit. For me, the main criteria that makes a story likeable is originality, and this one certainly had it, especially in the characters. There were two things in particular that made me smile. One was the fact that all four main characters were simple fighters (not wizards, despite the allusion that magic existed, or anything but fighters). The other was the short scene in which Maka tries to break the law by getting someone to use magic... and no one can. I have the feeling that if that situation came up in someone else's story, one of the characters would turn out to have a secret magical background, but not in yours. It's nice to think you can predict something coming and then be surprised when it doesn't happen. :) - Plot: Well, if you look at it broadly, it has a very simple plot so far. The characters are competing in an arena in order to join an army, and two of them die. The really intriguing part is only two lines long, at the very end of Chapter 2, when the observants mention "creations". Ooh. It's a conspiracy, and a cliffhanger. Were they talking about Maka and Yorek, or were they talking about the arena particpants in general? Or something else peripherally related to the fight? It definitely makes me want to read more. If you hadn't included that last bit, I would have been inclined to think the story was over with the death of the main character. But no. :D - Other: It's hard to sum up my overall impression of this story so far. I liked it, definitely, but I think it's too early to start talking about themes. As I mentioned above, the last part of Chapter 2 really grabbed me, and that's what gained most of my attention. I will keep reading this one. :)
groovi-gal-numba1 2008-07-21 ch 2,	abuseAND THE PLOT THICKENS!! wo those creator dudes left me feeling anxious! And the death of watshisname left me a bit devestated. (sorry i'm terrible with names, lol.) yes well the events in this chapter are much more interesting, and really easy to get into! its still very origional and gripping - so i'm happy with the plot. the writing was much better in this one! it was much easier to follow, and you've added in some amazing descriptions n metaphors n stuff - which is ALWAYS a plus. i liked the work on the characters alot more in this one. I just think they were expanded on a bit, but you didn't give all away at once - its good to have balence :D Enjoyment? - oh god it was even better than the first chapter. You've obivously put alot of thought and time into it. You can tell. keep up the good work! xoxox groovi
groovi-gal-numba1 2008-07-20 ch 1,	abusePLot: woah oh oh oh! wo. this is some scary shit. Some lines honestly just send chills up my spine. I'm quite a fan of dark stuff like this. At this stage it seems quite origional :D which i like :P well done with the plot. Just be careful not to let it get cliche! Writing: brillient. as i said above some lines honestly just send chills up my spine! It flows very well, and you can spell so i'm fairly happy with that. Your beginning grabbed me right from the start, and the ending left me wanting more! so good work there! Something to be careful though is use of the passive voice: "Maka and her three comrades had several times proven how short life" could be that for example could be written more cleanly if you used the opposite voice. (i'm not sure which one is which though lol) Characters: well first off let me just say that they all have awesome names! lol. now that thats out of the way, i'll say that i really like the main character. Alot of work has gone into it (and it truely shines through!) - although other characters are left being somewhat undeveloped - not enough has been explained about them. but hey, its only the first chapter right? Enjoyment: did i enjoy it? well i think it should be pretty clear by now that I DEFINETLY DID. i love reading a good creepy story xoxox love groovi
imaginative thinker 2008-07-20 ch 1,	abuseYou said it was alright to nitpick (and, I confess, I am a grammer nut), so here it is: -- In the first paragraph after "18 years later", in the sentence, "It carried a strong smell of sweat mixed [with] body odors and urine..."; the bracketed portion should be added to make it read smoothly and correctly. (Note: you had spelled it "odours," but this could be British spelling, traditionally in the U.S. we use "odors") -- In that same paragraph, a little earlier you used the repetition of "such as her" quite effectively. I liked that you used the parallel structure in three sentences, three seems to be the magic number in literature for making a point without overdoing it. However, the first time you use it, in the sentence "In front of her was a wide corridor, crowded by many such as her," perhaps you should change the word "many" to "people" or some other descriptor. I feel that using "many" two sentences in a row in that manner causes it to lose its potency by the second use, and the second time is when the "many" should shine, in comparison to the last repetition, which uses "few." The "many" and "few" need to stand out in stark contrast to make their point most effectively. (If how I described that didn't make sense, please let me know and I can try to explain another way.) -- I love your use of "She looked pleased," as it's own paragraph. It made the statement all the more strong. Especially because it was the exact opposite of what I would think someone would feel after smelling such a horrible stench; it made me curious to read more and find out why this girl thinks the way she does. People enjoy the unexpected. -- "Cold and cruel" had nice alliteration. -- (after 18 yrs later; 5th paragraph; opening sentence) "differences" should be a singular "difference" to agree with "was", otherwise you should change "was" to "were" to agree with the plural. -- (" "; 6th para.; 2nd sent.) "...she said while free from shame." "While" should be deleted to read more smoothly. The "while" implies that there will be a change in her demeanor, when she WILL be filled with shame. (Unless that was your intent...I am writing this as I read and have not yet reached the end.) -- (" "; 7th para.; 1st sent.) "...she let it be her final sentence before continuing..." should be changed to something along the lines of "she refrained from further conversation," because using "it" in your original phrasing makes it seem like it just happened. It is a little jarring to refer to it like that when it is in a new paragraph; it almost makes the reader have to scan back in the last paragraph because they were separated from the dialog for a time. Hm...I am noticing my comments are getting quite long, and I don't want to leave you with a novel to read. But I like what I have seen so far and I truly am enthralled by your writing style. You write with a "sentence tightness" that I aspire to have in my own writing. By that I mean that it is both concise and elegant, with touch of the unexpected, which always makes things interesting. I would be very happy to be a beta reader for your work, or edit via correspondence; I would love if you would be wiling to help me with mine as well. We seem to uphold similar writing standards and have trouble finishing what we have started - we could make good encouragement for each other. The work(s) I would have you review are not posted yet, but you may read some of my other pieces to gauge your interest. Leave a Review on one of my posts to let me know your answer, and we can exchange e-mails if need be. Thanks so much, and I hope I have helped!
B. J. Winters 2008-07-18 ch 1,	abuseOpening: Gripping. It sets stage and shows action which draws the reader in. The use of dialogue is effective, particularly in what you do not say. A child whose dress was covered in fresh blood not her own. {should there be a comma after blood?} The mother sighed before she kneeled in front of her daughter. {should it be knelt?} Whispering into her daughter’s ear she said, “When you grow up, you’ll understand the value of life, and how not all can be alike.” Although the idea of an idealistic world was erased with her words, Maka grew greedily curious. Was there a possibility that her actions might be justified? {Point of view shift here – should Maka’s thoughts be a separate paragraph? Perhaps this would flow better combined with the line “Maka’s Crying ceased and she grew greedily curious…..} “You protected your little brother, Maka. Because of you, Yorek is still alive and well. If that’s not the only thing that matters, I don’t know what is. Because you did that, other lives… {another lives?} “There is no other reason why I have a knife under my pillow and an axe under the bed.” {LOVED IT!!} In front of her was a wide corridor, crowded by many such as her. Many with hopes such as her. But few with strength such as her. {you start ending a series of sentences here with “her”, consider more variety. Use her name occasionally. Unless it’s a style choice – but the heavy pronouns were very noticeable and left me feeling more distant than engaged with the character.} Setting: Good use of nouns and adjectives to set the stage. I felt “shown” rather than “told” “Maka, barking out victory before even knowing your fellow competitors isn’t nearly as close to being called a fact as you seem to think it is,” {this confused me} “Dealing with you inspires such a lack of commitment.” the gathering’s final member, Saneth, commented. Though the words spoken were given without impact as his voice carried no hint of resentment. Yorek’s confidence was thus not harmed, and he settled with giving the tall man a fleeting glance in response, dimples still there. {this also looked like too much bunched together – I lost who were should be making conclusions about} Ignoring all three, Maka walked in front of them in silence as she led the way. Without needing to see, Yorek knew she was smiling.Her gait told of it; haste and fluid steps, while her back kept straight, and her shoulders relaxed. Yes. He knew she was smiling. {you need a space, and you repeat yourself on the “knew she was smiling”} “I rather believe it is because she fears she will taste failure.” Yorek dared suggest. Tulu snorted as she offered him a side glance. {two paragraphs?} “Found it,” Maka said. “This is the arena.” She gesticulated. {I don’t like that last sentence. Perhaps reword for simplicity, “Found it,” Maka said, pointing, “this is the arena.” Seeing that two teams were already fighting, Maka continued, “It’s not our turn yet,though. {need a space} Never any tries to disable, stump or such. Neither of the lasting warriors seemed to pay much mind to the art of defence either. {defense? Or is that the British spelling} Every death brought responsibility. With a smile, she would accept it. {Good recap back to the start of the chapter} Ending: Again, I liked the drama of the sport as well as the psychological feel. I’m left wanting to read more. This reminds me of the latest chapters of a manga called “Rebirth”. Not from a plot standpoint, but more from a feel of combat and glory. Characters: Obviously your main character is more developed than the “three friends”. I’d like to see more differentiation however in the entourage. Or, maybe wait to introduce them one at a time so they don’t blur so much together. The fact that you group them makes me wonder if you need all three – right now. Dialogue: Overall good. I liked the occasional fragment that added to the compact and violent tone. It was nice, after all this time, to read something of yours. I look forward to the revision of the next chapter.
xx raincharm fetish xx 2008-07-18 ch 1,	abuseReview game! (Well, I think I had the rules confused at first, but I'll review you anyway!) Regarding the plot, you have very strong themes at play here. I love how you started out with a child's first encounter with sin, and how adults justify it. And the last line of the first half - “There is no other reason why I have a knife under my pillow and an axe under the bed.” - was so chilling! And lo and behold, 18 years later! The girl has indeed learned her lesson well! I love how the tale is dark, treading the lines between good and evil, but not not completely twisted - I enjoy it, and I take it very seriously. Dialogue - Good flow, and appropriate to each line. It was especially captivating during the first half, with Maka and her mother. You can really see how her Mother's attitudes completely transformed her as an adult. Again, so chilling! Writing - Ah, yes, you're not a friend of the adverb! And yes, it really does add to the flow of your writing! I'll have to take you up on that advice. Your writing is piercing, the action is direct, and although it is beautifully detailed, it isn't excessive. Very good balance between action and imagery, along with the thematic exposition. I realize that about 50% of stories turn out to be relegated to description, but not with you. Good job! Enjoyment - Chilling, and deep! You explore some very serious themes that we don't usually grapple with in our every day lives, and do it in a very engaging way. I like how the setting is nearly tribal, but you're not really sure... and that near gladiator-esque attitude that prevails! Hunting or being hunted - the most dangerous game! Overall, great job! I'm sorry, I don't really have anything harsh to say. But that's good, isn't it?
Raythe 2008-07-17 ch 1,	abuseReview Game! :) This is probably going to be a bit more beta than anything. "...back away; a sharp reflex." Typically, semi-colons are used to join two parts of a sentence that can also stand alone as two whole sentences. So. "a sharp reflex" would be considered a fragment, thus a comma would be more appropriate here (or even a hyphen). ^^ "There is no other reason why I have a knife under my pillow and an axe under the bed." XDD That's so awesome. The description is good in the first scene. It draws me in and makes me want to know what happened, who she killed, and why. Why, was the only thing answered, I think, and we get an idea of "what happened," so my curiosity is still going full blast. :] I think some changes could be made in terms of style (but this is probably just my personal preference). I like it when the writing reflects the emotion of what's going on. So when something crazy has happened and someone's crying, usually thoughts come in waves and in short bursts. So, if I were describing something, I would try to keep things short and intense. I.e., "Blood seeped through the fabric of her clothing, moist against her skin, yet she was too hysterical to realize it." -- Here, I'd probably do something like: "Blood oozed from her clothing. The moist fabric clung against her skin. Hysterically crying, she was oblivious." Again, just my opinion. "All she was aware of was that today was the day in which she had arrived to Ohren, as the building was called, to claim her rightful place" - Awkward sentence (in the beginning). Maybe change it to: "She was only aware that today was..." "It carried an strong smell..." 'An' should be 'a'. :) "The differences between the strangers and her and her three peers..." 'her' should go last. "...strangers, her three peers, and herself..." :D "...bangs that shielded his vision only the slightest." 'Shielded' indicates/alludes to protection. So, unless it's like protection from sand/dust, did you mean 'obscure'? :D Nice. I like the way you're building up Maka. Her character, the background, and your description of her are nicely fleshed out for a first chapter. AND, you did so without making it boring. :) Okay, so I covered: description (as other), characters, dialog, and writing. Keep up the good work!
dreamer999 2008-07-12 ch 1,	abuseNice one! I'm usually bored by description because it's so long and I'm like "e too much description..." but this one's good and I loved the title and in the end "she was the artist that painted with blood to create her personal masterpiece." I loved that part the most, It fits PERFECTLY. I'm pretty much of a plain and simple person that I can't even come up with that. Really nice, Frac! I guess losing the bet wasn't so bad after all...

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