FictionPress.com - let the words flow
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| HannaThing 2008-09-21 ch 1,  | abuseI have to say, I like you dialogue. It's things like you'd hear in every day life. On the other hand, I have to honestly say (type?) that the amount of swearing this is a little off putting. Get a warning on there somewhere. (Really, I hate the word **.) Otherwise, this is great, and very lively. |
| Kharmaoftherainbow 2008-09-20 ch 1, | abuseLoved the description; it gave the story a firm base to jump off of. Some of your sentence structure is awkward, though. I'd suggest you do a re-read and maybe restructure a few of the sentences so the story flows a bit better or ends more conclusively. As it is, it seems more like a character sketch than a story, but I think that's primarily because of the ending. |
| Something Indecent 2007-09-27 ch 1, | abuseFrom the title and description I thought this story was going to suck...but it didn't! I found myself laughing at a lot of parts and enjoyed your main character very much. I loved it when you harrassed the kid. That was classic. Keep writing, it entertains me. |
| xanthofile 2007-08-22 ch 1, | abusei'd be effing ** to bite into something labeled cinnamon and find out it's mango. i love cinnamon. don't quite so much love mango. big dilemna, yes? i'd be the person who'd go back and be all, "this isn't cinnamon, i demand a return of my money." and when they ask for a receipt, i grab the donut and run, suffering the mango. yes. this story inspired me to want to write. but...i'm lazy, so i won't. tough luck/beans, and all that jazz. really enjoyed reading it, yes i did. |