FictionPress.com - let the words flow
| FictionPress.com - let the words flow |
|
| Home Just In Communities Forums Beta Readers Dictionary Search | Login Register Extras |
| AluminumMuse 2007-11-05 ch 1,  | abuseGood! I'm way to tired to give my standard review, so I'm going to give you the five minute summary: Seems too full of informal. You can set a mood without having to go over the top. 'Well, at least service was better than most, but then, this was Kenny Rogers Roasters, after all.' 'The combined presence of ‘well,' 'at least,' 'but then,' and 'after all' make this seem cluttered. For some informal but tastefully done first person, read 'Peeps' by Scott Westerfeld. Ignoring the horrendous cover, of course. They used to have a really cool one, but oh no, they had to go and target the teen girl squad audience... In some scenarios, he seems too casual. He might be laid back, but try to ground the narrative by letting the mood shift with the plot. He doesn't have to morph into a totally different person, of course, just one with a few more drops of emotion. Those things are attracted to fear and desperation; by remaining calm, they’ll have a harder time tracking you down, and attaching themselves to you. -- You do not need a comma after the first item in a list of two things. Basically, remove the comma after 'down.' This rule applies to everything. I saw this mistake a few times in your writing. I gathered energies from the environment, interlacing it with the stitches for a stronger bind. -- Interlacing them, not it. Minor, but whatever. As far as spelling and grammar are concerned, you are doing very well most of the time. Much better than I am. Very original plot, and an interesting start. I didn't realize this was rated M until I clicked it, but it was cleaner than most of my stuff, which is nice to see. On a side note, I think you'd get more reviews if you lowered the rating, because this is one of the better stories on FictionPress. Respectfully yours, Feather La |