wow. i must say... you realy know how to think up a good plot line, but the length of the literary work diminished the actual rating of my story

not to badger u, but the conflict was not evident. i mean from an aferave reader it may seam a little rushed. i think that if u cleaned this up a bit u would have a killer story. make it longer, and have the main character have a conflict...

also...

a mystery usually has the main character or someone else peicing together rashional puzzles and overcoming his mental... i can't think of the right word... chalenge... ok? make it longer and more like a mystery novle... if u wonna make it more interesting put some false clues in it...

realy good otherwise... will u take the time to read my story how could u?

oo... and my myspace is if u wonna know more about me