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| Arina222 2008-01-11 ch 3,  | abuseThis is one of your repeated errors in all your stories - grammatical error - : If you're portraying a person talking to "blobby"(random name I just thought of now) And "person" says: 'Blobby you are hungry.' since "blobbly" is not the subject (continued after this explanation) ["blobby" -as the subject- is third person; but you want second person to be the subject(you)] (the subject is the person doing the verb-obvious, ya) If blobby was the subject it would be "blobby" IS ; but you are using ARE so YOU (the word you) is the subject. To seperate "blobby" and the verb you need a comma. (continuing) you need a comma after "blobby" so it should be "Blobby, you are hungry." I really hope you get what I'm trying to explain... I didn't explain it very well. Thinking of Foreign Language class will help (with the second, third person thing). If you don't get it, please reply as to what you didn't get because I think this could really help all of your stories. |
| Arina222 2008-01-11 ch 1, | abuseVery flirtatious Quite funny as well You're missing a few commas here and there I like it, and it's good that you've made the character change very clear; otherwise I would be hopelessly confused. But I'm not ^^ |
| NJ Is My Home 2007-08-26 ch 2, | abusenice chapter..can't wait to see how the date goes |
| maximusrexmundi 2007-08-21 ch 2, | abusegreat addition! I think you need to decide whether to keep it as brian or bryan, because it got a little confusing, but otherwise, it was great. Keep up the good work! |
| NJ Is My Home 2007-08-13 ch 1, | abusei like it..keep it up :) |
| maximusrexmundi 2007-08-13 ch 1, | abuseIt was great! I cant wait for more :) |
| Anonymous xx 2007-08-13 ch 1, | abuseThis is good and the storyline is great. You just made some sentences seem really choppy in the way that you worded them, and you change tenses a few times, but other than that it's great. Could you R&R my story: That boy on a bike? Im desperate for hits and reviews...haha thanks. |