Reviews for I Do - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: I Do

squiggle-line
2007-08-13
ch 1,

abuseOh, that's cute. I like the premise...thoughts going through a groom's head while standing at the altar...and I especially like that you don't reveal the setting until the very end. Just a few comments:

1) The language flows the way someone would speak...which I really like...but at the same time, I had trouble reading the story because it read like a speech and not...well, something to be read. I think it's a bit wordy...I was constantly tripping over phrases and re-reading things. Some sentences could definitely be restructured.

-"...do and see..." in the first paragraph sounds awkward to me because I automatically tack 'see' on with 'spark flashbacks' ("see spark flashback") Maybe my brain is only running at 0.5% capacity or something but I had a really hard time with that phrase...maybe just leave it at: "...smallest things we do spark flashbacks..." ?

-I don't think the "...will remind me of..." repetition works very well. It sounds overly conscious. Maybe: Caramel macchiatos...late to school. Pencil...getting in trouble. Tree...tree house. Your lips...our first kiss. Something to break up the huge sentence.

-Maybe: "I know sometimes I act like it doesn't matter much but []...it does" ? And, "You were jealous[], I was blind."

Sorry I'm being so nitpicky. I really, really love the idea behind this story...I think if you cleaned up the language a little, the writing would be delicious too.

2) Please don't laugh but I had a really hard time figuring out the gender of the speaker. At the beginning, I was convinced the narrator was female. By the end, I realized the speaker was male but the way some things were phrased made me a little unsure. Maybe make that clearer in the beginning?

3) As you may have guessed, I am female. I have no idea how males think but there are some parts that seem over-the-top in sentimentality ("I was in love with you, had been since the third grade." "I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't think about anything but you." "...you were my everything and I was yours.") The part that made me 'aw' was "I can't wait for the day that you give me your signature 'I have something to tell you' look and the words that leave your mouth are 'I'm pregnant.'" It seems more sincere than phrases like "you were my reason for living." I think if you replace the exaggerations with something quieter, the story would pack a stronger emotional punch.

Overall, cute story. Definitely an enjoyable read. :)

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