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| Vampire Uchiha 2008-06-20 ch 1,  | abuseI might continue reading it, I'm not sure yet, but here is some advice: Don't write in 2nd person (using you), try 1st person (I and me) or third person (he, she, him, her). The first paragraph just describes the charcter and the charcter's life. Try to reveal those things as the story goes on. The first paragraph is rather boring, try makining the first paragraph get attention, many people will just click the back button if they are bored in the first sentancce. Try and make some of the paragraphs shorter, split them up at some point. They seem really long, and are easy to lose a spot in. Take the advice or not, your choice. I'm just pointing out some things that could improve in your writing (even though it does say 1st story written years ago. I don't mean to offend you, if I do offend you. |
| naokoangel01 2008-04-24 ch 12, | abuseWhoa this was something else it was very detailed anywaz It was very good The ending was funny lol I would love to read the sequel Please keep up on the great work and I congradulate you on a job well done |
| PIN 2008-03-23 ch 2, anon. | abusesecond person. EW |
| selfish4more 2008-02-23 ch 12, anon. | abuseo.k when will the squel be started and hopfuly it well be about one of the children, by the way good job on not making the story to long,that's about it just wanted to say good job and it was kind of strang the way you wrote the hole story from mostly the girls point of view but I didn't realy like it the story was good the hole cool angel twist I did not see coming but come on the way it was like all lovy dovy so maybe when you write the sequel just like don't make it to corny.good job and keep up the good work.^_^ |
| Nicole Deming 2007-10-01 ch 12, | abuseOMG I loved this story it was so full of passion I almost cried. |
| loveain'tme 2007-09-30 ch 12, | abusevery good i loved it |
| mariRocks 2007-08-15 ch 12, | abusei've read this exact same story on |