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| a far better fate 2008-06-06 ch 1,  | abuseThis is a really great idea. Pretty original, but (and I mean NO offense at all) it's a bit repetitive. You say a couple of the same things more than once--even though repetition can be good--and it's a bit too much. Just work on using it in a different way and this could be an amazing story. I think you've got great potential, honestly, but this isn't a very good first chapter, or prologue or whatever to get the reader interested. The last two lines are a great catch though. "Too bad I met him in my dream. And so, I shall begin my story." I love those lines. I'm going to read on, because your probably like me, where the first chapter isn't as good as the last, because as you write you get more into it and do better. I'm really liking the concept though. I promise, I'm just trying to help you. I'd love to see something like this published and the better it becomes, the more likely that will be. Trying not to be harsh, moving to the next chapter, loving the mystery of the boy on the motorcycle. |
| reallyinnocent2007 2008-03-09 ch 9, | abuseI didn't see nemore grammer problems. this is an interesting story. the devil is that doctor dude. and andy just got tempted by the devil. interesting. sorry that it took me so long, my laptop had suddenly started to act crazy. |
| reallyinnocent2007 2008-03-09 ch 5, | abusebreath her body take. Stupid clock. (took) |
| reallyinnocent2007 2008-03-07 ch 3, | abuseallowed. oh i'm an idiot. don't worry bout the snuck out thing. sorry its the country girl in me. |
| reallyinnocent2007 2008-03-07 ch 2, | abuse(Andy was not aloud to move from) that should be allowed. (He had sneaked it out of) that should snuck. I'm not sure, but i don't think sneaked is a word. neway i'm liking so far. and u don't really need a beta that bad so far, but i've only gotten this far. i like this story though. |
| Emily 2008-02-24 ch 1, anon. | abuseHello Hana, You sure have a vivid imagination. I am not sure I would put in about all the blood and things, but very descriptive. You should be a professional writer one day. Thanks for sharing your book! |
| Rimma 2007-10-16 ch 2, | abuseRight on. This first chapter reads like what it's telling. Does that make sense? What I mean is, it's going smoothly and steadily and then all of the sudden, BAM. It's like pushing someone in front of a car, if you catch my drift. I don't know if that was intentional, but it works very well. Some things to consider: aloud- out loud; allowed- permissible. Sensation is a synonym of feeling. I'd go through and double check spelling; a few words are missing their D's and S's on the ends. |
| Rimma 2007-10-16 ch 1, | abuseHeads up: the last sentence is missing a period. Just so you know. As far as prologues go, this one was pretty good, in my opinion. I'd like to see the original one, too. I personally don't think a prologue has to be terribly long. Sometimes I like them even more when they're confusing, because a lot of times it entices me to read more just to figure out what in the world the narrator was talking about. Your Prologue had a very strong voice, and I liked that, because I tend to enjoy character driven stories best. There were a few sentences that didn't flow together so well, but otherwise- good start. I'll keep reading. |
| AuraBorealis 2007-10-08 ch 8, | abuseNice story. keep writing |
| fangsofhell 2007-10-05 ch 8, | abusei love this story! please please pleae write more! it's just too awsome! |
| RynDevien 2007-09-28 ch 8, | abuseGreat chapter! Andy not remembering her is a good way to extend the story. I think the character development is going very smoothly. Good job! ~ Ryn |
| Josh G. aka Expo 2007-09-28 ch 1, | abuseHey, I only read the beginning of it because I'm short on time right now but plan to add my Favorite Stories so I can get back to it later, so far I liked it because it started like mine. A mystery person in someone's dream, I know mine takes a different route from yours but it was still cool. Anyway I'll review more later, in the meantime please read my story, "The Dream". And please R&R, thanks |
| Alexandra Jacobson 2007-09-21 ch 1, | abuseI love the idea. However, maybe you could tone down using words such as "tresses"? For some reason, I hate it when people use words like "tresses" or "optics". But good work. |
| AuraBorealis 2007-09-21 ch 7, | abuseThis is really amazing. good work |
| AuraBorealis 2007-09-21 ch 6, | abusewel, that is intresting. puts a good twist to it. keep writing |