 .following.black.doves. 2007-12-10 . chapter 1WOW.
i dont think ive ever seen a rap on FP... oh well.
you pulled it off! awesome piece of work! except i don't get the last bit, "can't see the stop sign"?
i cant imagine how hard rap could be to write, especially since im not that great at rhyming...!
it flows so well ^_^ good work
srz |
 miss-blackhair 2007-12-05 . chapter 1hmm there's a good feel here. groovy, you know?(: |
 Lavi R 2007-08-26 . chapter 1Ok I didnt review this in a long time...
and if you want a proper explanation as to why...
read the review I wrote for "A presence unknown"
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this is a really awesome poem
its really deep and in way I can relate, like whenever i am ** off i listen to the radio,
it does make me feel better (unless of course it is a happy song and i am ** off, that just makes me more mad)
I love the line where you wrote:
"I may seem perfectly fine—it’s believing
Anyone ever tell you looks can be deceiving?"
I love that!
you know, i don't think alot of people would think you are such a talented, song/poem writer. ( i don't mean this in a bad way)
the ryhming and the flow is just soo perfect
girl you have talent!
AWESOME JOB!!
Love Lavi |
 Susannah Simon 2007-08-23 . chapter 1"can't see the stop sign"? what did you mean by that? to me, it didn't seem to fit. wow! rap... i never knew you liked rap... somehow through the words and the beat you can tell that these are rap lyrics. i don't know how you did that, but it's awesome! when you first read it, it feels so superficial, but then you feel like there's an inner meaning in there somewhere... very cool. i really like it! great job. -suze |
 kloun mannequin 2007-08-22 . chapter 1yeah, that's really a cool song, I felt happy when I was reading it |
 Ammom 2007-08-22 . chapter 1It's good, nicely done. Good effort was put into it, though a couple lines are a bit long. I like how it involves music. Nice theme to it. :) |
 whispered something profound 2007-08-22 . chapter 1very nice. generally i dislike rap (with a steadily burning passion may i add) but i actually like this. even with the limits of rhyme you got across the point about how listening to the radio helps you. |
 continuous brevity 2007-08-21 . chapter 1ahh, a rap! i think you pulled this off very well, not many people can. i liked this a lot! nice work. |
 fictitious facades 2007-08-20 . chapter 1wow. i don't know, i'm not a rap person, but i really liked this. i kept expecting for the beat to be off or something but it really wasn't.
the one line, "Because it’s an opportunity to get away from the reality that electrifies your mind" is great, but its so long that it doesn't really fit..
other than that, amazing. |
 bleepbloopbanana 2007-08-19 . chapter 1I think this is the first rap I've seen on FP so you gotta get props for that. You established a nice rhythm with it, which I know from five years worth of Lit classes is pretty damn hard to do. I was tapping my foot along as I read it and all in all it was quite enjoyable.
Poetry is not my thing, so I won't even try to critique it, but I liked it nevertheless. Good work and keep writing.
-Bleep |
 Liviania 2007-08-16 . chapter 1Rap is definitely not my genre, but you've got a good rhythm. It read steadily. I'd suggest finding something to end the second main line besides 'steady-o'. It works a few times, but you repeat it often enough that it starts to become awkward. At least to me. ^_^
Livi |