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| Fractured Illusion 2007-08-22 ch 1,  | abuse"empty except for a few linger birds in the wake of a dying spring" Very lovely description! :D "to say the least…perhaps he should" I am a hater ellipsis (the ...) used in narration. How about just cutting the sentence off after "least"? Would be even better, I think. (Note that this is a personal preference of mine, though) Second paragraph is quite a long one. Hmm.. you should never really have more than 5 lines in a paragraph as this is a comp screen and peoples eyes hurt with such large amounts. So please divide it in two when you edit it ^^ "When took her in gracefully" When HE took her in "at that moment when they married was she just settling for something comfortable but not necessarily the best?" You need to mark the way she questioned a bit better and mroe clear, so readers understand. Like, "at that moment when they married, as it struck him that she might be settling for something comfortable but not necessarily the best." or "at that moment when they married. Was she just settling for something comfortable but not necessarily the best?" "and the like she’d collected" "and the *likes* *that* she had collected" sounds a bit more clear I liked the portrayal of their relationship slowly descending into crumbles "Perhaps she was now clean[ing] up after his rage" I liked the ending, too, and how twisted the husband had become. Ugh. Makes me wanna kick him or something. Poor wife of his :/ Dark and well done! Good job! - Frac |