Reviews for Pryderi: An Underground Story

Reviews For: Pryderi: An Underground Story

ryansheart 2008-01-09 ch 1,	abuseMy run-down! :D So far, I've read a repition of 'I'. This being in past tense it is easier to overcome if it were written in present. this: [A nervous look traveled over her face as I settled in and I smirked, briefly nodding to her, and then turned my attention back to the bar.] would sound better if it were written like this: [Noticably, a nervous expression travelled over her face as I settled it. Smirking, I briefly nod to her, and returned my attention back to the bar.] It flows better, notice? I have a thing for repeating words near each other. For example the word "smirked". Maybe the use of grinned? [Finn blushed as I grinned triumphantly to myself. I lived for making people {feel?} uncomfortable] This is meant to be in present tense: [" . . .What did you want to eat Emma? I’d give you anything for free just to get you to stop?"] You also keep "telling", instead of "showing" the reader the character's personality. Also, instead of saying: [ I always enjoyed teasing her] which is telling, you could show the joy she has for doing by writing: [Teasing her is so much fun--especially now . . .] [The door to the café opened and I turned, glancing at the newcomer.] How does she know the door opened? Did she hear the entry bell, or the creaking of the door? You over use the word "and". There are a lot of other conjoining words. [Cathaoir glared at me and I grinned.] this can be changed to: [Cathaoir threw me a glare as I grinned.] Telling again: [Food was something I loved just as much as or more then my bikes.] Two different sentences: [I winced, god, the girl would never make it as a singer.] into [I winced. God, the girl would never make it as a singer.]\|[I turned away about then, relationships…god awful curses of man.] into: [I turned away about then. Relationships…god awful curses of man.] [I don’t know…] you went straight to present tense, it's not really needed. Still telling: [I’ve never followed orders well but hell; he could make me shut up with just a couple of words.] SHOW that Cathoir does that. [“You need a vacation,”] the comma needs to change into a full stop. [It took me a few more minutes of walking before I realized..] this would flow better like this: [After a few more minutes of walking, I realized ...] to avoid the repition of took. Less 'I's' more variety of words at most sentences needed. Like: I followed them, curious. it could be: Curious, I followed them. How does the character know the horse is a male? You could add it to the mystery. Ooh, hot guy. Sexual tension ensued, any
Audy 2007-12-28 ch 1,	abuseFirst off, I really liked the beginning dialogue --this story is off to a promising start. "...currently standing (in) a bike shop just off..." "...making an effort to puff out my leather trench coat..." Perhaps I'm not familiar with motorcycle verbacular, but 'puff'? Puff out a coat? What? "...falling (past) her eyes as..." Pointy-eared boyfriend? Is he an elf or something? Well...I guess that could explain the name. "...propping my head up on my chin (hand, perhaps?)..." Oh, so he's not an elf. A deformity then? xP "...If anyone is, (your--not you're) cousin..." "... was currently belting (?) out some kind of American country song..." Belting? --Okay, I had to look that one up. x) I love slang. "...I turned away about then..." It'd probably read better if it was 'around' instead of 'about' --that's kind of awkward "(semi-colon) relationships…god awful curses of man." two complete thoughts "...it was more then (the) idea of them.." "one of those..." You had 4 ellipses, which marks the end of a sentence--thus the 'o' in one should be capitalized, or you only meant to have 'three' elipses. "...not-(too)-distant future(comma) wasn't..." "I’ve never followed orders well(comma) but hell(comma or dash) he could make me..." Emma definitely needs a guy nodds --Anyway, it should be 'I don't need anybody' cause 'didn't' applies that in the past she didn't need anybody--but now she does...which is true, but she's too stubborn to admit it to herself. Ahh, yay ^_^ love family issues, makes reading so much more interesting. You did a good job pacing the story to this point --you effectively made us /care/ and sympathize for the character. "...and moved up the beach a little ways." I don't like this sentence, I think you should re-word it. 'moved to higher ground' maybe? --We already know she's at the beach, 'a little ways' gets too wordy in my opinion. 'up the beach' just sounds awkward and can get a little unclear. Sounds like you're trying to raise the beach =P "...sand as the waves crashed over the sand..." 'sand' gets repetitive here, use pronouns...'waves crached over it' Anyways, this little description here is very nice --kind of calming after Emma's scene at the bar. I wonder if she goes here a lot...hmm... "...free it from (it's) sandy prison..." A stairway? ...weird! Lol, I like your pauses in the next few sentences, but they're grammatically incorrect--there are other ways to provide pauses --elipses might serve your purpose --or (my favorite--as you can see) dashes. "...I descended (down) the stairwell..." 'into' implies ramming into a wall or something. "...I mean how many stories have you read where you’ve seen that line?..." Loved this bit, my problem here is the use of 'you'. It seems like Emma is talking to the reader --which ruins the entire 1st person narrative up to this point --Think about it, when you talk to yourself, do you refer to yourself as 'you?' You don't use 'you' unless you're talking to /someone/ unless she's talking to the reader --who is she talking to? "...time anyways(comma) because..." Wait...what, she was flying? Don't tell us she went flying--we get the wrong pictures in our heads. Use another verb--I currently have no clue what you meant by flying... "...I brushed (myself) off..." "...gold engravings (on) the floor..." "...and then stepped (forward--'foreword is something else entirely)..." Wait--she looked around and sighed? Why? It's still a strange stairwell to me...why did she dismiss it? "... turned to leave(comma) but a strange..." It's a horse yes--I'd be surprised, but fainted? Even 'almost' Fainting implies she was afraid of what she saw...or one of those bad actresses in the old movies who faint when they see their prince charming... "...been hit and hit and hit over again..." Better to say, 'hit over and over again'. "...(it's) master and..." "...or (delete from here)the kind of wild that came(to here) when someone wanted freedom so badly, they’d do anything to get it..." "...flattened against (it's) head.." Dashes would suit better than elipses here-- (calmly...well...almost calm.) "... stopping(comma) maybe..." "... I suddenly realized why(comma) as my gaze..." "...(it's) back legs..." --Remember, when a pronoun is possessive it needs an appostrophe then an s. You seem to be making that mistake a lot. "...I said a few minutes later(comma)..." "...do when they (were) angry..." "...(a) grasp on anything..." "...a goddamn very well(hypen, not dash)made(comma)..." I just want to pause...this is /so/ random. I really hope there is an explanation for this later on, because it just seems like you were writing this story --without any plan in mind --and just wrote the first thing that came to mind! First motorcycles, then a hidden stairway beneath a beach, then a horse, now a naked man... Oh...so the horse is the man. "Damn. I should have left when I had the chance." Lol, first line to make me laugh--figured I should note it. Again with the -you- "Very naked, very muscled, very good looking." Lol! Second line to make me laugh --too bad it's a fragment. "...His body..." Unless he's god, 'h in his' shouldn't be caps... Alright, so here's my issue with this man --you keep /telling/ us he's beautiful --which is okay...but you should /show/ us. Describe him a bit more...how does his beauty affect Emma...well you are showing us these things, but /more/ --we need /more/ emphasis. "...be attached to me..." attached implies /so/ many things...you probably want to change that. "...(either) that..." I think you're turning elipses-happy --I say, commas work just as well in this sentence --"or more specifically…his handsomeness…." They start to lose their effect if you use them too much. "...My morning(s) consist(s)..." "... itsy-bitsy porch overlooking the (flat's)..." I was about to ask where the man went-doesn't she cook for him too? Okay, so overall --the beginning of this was a really neat introduction. We got to know Emma, and we know she needs a man. Her finding one --that was a little strange...but I trust you know where you're going with this. I'll read the next chapter when I have time to give you another proper review for it. There were a lot of little mistakes in this --but the big thing I noticed was the whole abruptness of the whole story. There were points which I've already mentioned --that just seems completely random. You never want to drop an anvil on the reader...you want to lead up to that moment. Maybe if you foreshadow the horse thing-that might help. Anyways, this was really well-written. The plot befuddles me--but I guess I just have to read on. The characters are great --you did an awesome job characterizing Emma, she's a really strong character. Her narrative is really amusing to read --and the romance, I don't know for certain, but it definitely leaves me wanting more! Good job with this and good luck, ~ Audy
Liviania 2007-12-08 ch 3,	abuseAnd you leave us with a cliffie like that! Haha, it was a nice touch to have Pryderi make a mistake with the turtleneck. I'm familiar with T's and I still put them on wrong all the time. Livi
14-10-2004 2007-09-16 ch 2,	abuseWow, suprisingly I really did enjoy that, because I dont really like fantasy... Bit confused about the other guy though, Gwens cousins husband or something? (sorry, Im forgetful :P) I find I can relate to the main character alot, but I think if the guys gunna be that hot you should desribe him a bit more :P Yeah, I really enjoyed it
Liviania 2007-09-10 ch 2,	abuseI love Emma referring to Pryderi as a horse in her head. And her dilemma of how to explain her actions . . . Livi
The Ferrett 2007-09-10 ch 2,	abuseGreat blending of the finding a pasty and the meeting the Underground as you called it. Even though you probably didn't write it like this, Pyderi and Emma already seem to have a heat about them. Nice touch if its intentional. Flow's good, dialogue works well. Keep it up.
Black and Bleeding Rose 2007-09-07 ch 1,	abuseI like it. Can't wait to read more.
Halfbloodlycan 2007-09-07 ch 2,	abuseYour detail is good. Again, just a few minor errors. He gave me a long(,) scathing once over My mind whirled with possibilities and the one I knew could be true was that I had unleashed a fairy— This sentence just sounds awkward to me for some reason. Maybe you could reword it for example (and this is just a thought) My mind whirled with possibilities. The only one I thought could be true, was that I had unleashed a fairy— I'm not sure if that makes sense or not. Just a thought. and some (were) even brazen enough to give him cat-calls. don’t care how many weeks you have to (lose).” was ever (worshipped) Again (geez I'm so redundant) anyway, another good chapter I say.
Halfbloodlycan 2007-09-07 ch 1,	abuseSorry, but I did notice a few minor errors. sporadically should probably be sparatically. I looked around, and smiled as I found what I was looking for. I slid the torch into the slot on the wall and then stepped foreword. (forward) over again until it ripped (the) arm off its master and then ran away— He bared his teeth at me and I gulped, (staring) at it calmly one of his legs flying out to place (a) kick into my rib cage moving (foreward). Anyway, I like your story. The plot/storyline is very interesting. I do look forward to reading more.
lyrical-harmonies 2007-09-07 ch 2,	abuseOMG! i am totally in love with prydain and i've always been eilonwy!! i was devistated when lloyd alexander died, i wore black for a couple weeks...
Penance for her sins 2007-08-27 ch 1,	abuseWell firstly, I like to assert I enjoyed the style you chose to write this story. I am very happy to report; you have no problems, with the baser fundamentals of good writing, so I will just leave my comments as a reader. You very well write the characterization of both protagonists Finn and Cath. You as well have believable dialogue, which helps move the pacing, of your story along fluidly. Overall, I would like to say, definitely keep writing, just keep on writing this. You have a something special here and with a little more work on it… You will have a story to be reckoned with; already in my opinion, it has the potential to be one of better ones on this site—I will try to keep my eye on this as it progresses.
The Ferrett 2007-08-23 ch 1,	abuseWhat? No more. Shame. We'll just have to wait. Now onto the story. Plot: Original, smooth and fun. Have seen the save the transforming animal story but a horse, well that one will be different. It's fresh which is good. Characters: Finn and Cath are very cute and, Emma? Emma Rocks. Attitude, intelligence, wit. Potential: All there. Uhuh. Over and out.
Fractured Illusion 2007-08-21 ch 1,	abuse"“Oh yea" Missed a 'h' in yeah? You often start your sentences with a noun (ie, I, she, he, it, or a name) and that gets repetitive. So think of ways to twists the sentences. Take this for example: "I took a sip of the coffee and frowned at her" could be "A frown appeared on my face after enjoying a sip from the hot coffe" or "Drinking the delicious coffee, a frown still appared on my face, directed at Finn". The chapter has a good structure with dialog and paragraph-length, and it looks easy on the eye! ^^ Well done (not all accomplish this ya know?) "starring at it" I think you mean "staring". Starring is what celebrities does in movies. :P "that horses do when they angry" Hmm.. Either you missed an "are" or you just skip "they". You had a nice way to end the story, and I like that Emma actually was physically capable of dragging the nekkid guy along with her ^^ Not the usual damsel in distress, for sure. I am however not too sure what I feel about the story so far. It seems there will be a romance between the two, and with the way things are going, it's too obvious for me. First she tried to tell herself she does not want romance, and then she meets this guys. It feels too "destined to be" and such for my taste, what with I have to judge at the moment. So I don't think I will be continuing this. Sorry :( - Frac
Liviania 2007-08-21 ch 1,	abuseI like Emma. She's just the right amount of bitchy. Haha, I had to laugh when she was getting him on the bike. Really, more than struggling with the jacket I would've been worried about his bare cookies on the bike. The cameo of BfDU was also nice. Livi

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