Interesting, though I don't understand the point. Why does this story need to be told? Also, the style doesn't seem to convey the enormity of the emotion that the plot carries. Try employing a more 1920's style, add a lot of metaphors and synonyms and symbolism, use stronger nouns and verbs but fewer adjectives and adverbs. Never add a sentence unless it furthers the plot, or builds character. Ideally, the setting should be woven into those two categories, not separate. The themes of drained blood and looking into peoples eyes are over used, if you want to use them, you have to bring something new into the arena. Et cetra, et cetra, I could do this all night. Ripping apart literature is my passion.

I think you have a promise as a writer, and with a little bit of work, you will shine.

Please message me if you ever update. I always say this, and I never get messaged. I can't imagine why.

Keep on writing!

Feather La

that's so sad, you have a way with words, hope to see poetry from you

Wow, quite a sad story. The song really added to it. The overall effect, I mean. Of sadness. Yeah, my eloquence is amazing. Heh.

Wolfie

this is a really great story. i loved it; despite the fact that it ends in true tragedy, it is such a wonderful story. i loved the details you used. great job. start to finish a very nice piece.