Good chapter.

~Twilight Starr~

Good chapter.

With all your characters you could use some more characterization. Right now all the reader knows about the kids are basically their names except Sarah and Dereck.

~Twilight Starr~

Good start although you have to infer a lot to understand what is going on. It's not clear who the kids are and why they are fighting.

This story has potential.

Good luck with writing and this story.

~Twilight Starr~

Ohh... It's an orphanage. That makes sense. Sorry about my confusion, earlier.

This new guy is definitely going to make things interesting. I'm dying to know what he's up to! I love the way you've written his dialogue - sharp-tongued little boy... He's pretty funny, in an extremely sarcastic, biting way. (Which is excellent because I adore sarcasm!)

Oh, and I like how the boys get him to say his name, when neither Sarah nor Miss Mallorie could. In fact, I like the whole dynamic you have going between the boys and the girls. It's very realistic - and it's such a relief to see boys who talk and behave like boys in contrast with girls who talk and behave like girls. You've done justice to both genders, and that's hard to do sometimes.

And... that's about all I have to say for now. Keep it coming!

Cesalie

Hahaha! I loved that whole court scene. Totally, completely, and in all other ways priceless! Perfect way to open the story. For clarification, though, is this taking place at a boarding school?

I really like the way you've introduced the characters, so far - how they all have their own positions and whatnot. The dialogue seems a little mature for their ages, but then again they could all just be advanced. I'm assuming Rose is the leader of the group. She seems like the type to take charge, that "Self-Proclaimed Judge Rose O'Nell"... (I love how they have a "Captain," too! Kids are so awesome - and you capture them so well.)

Ooh... The eggs... Don't let on about the eggs, Sarah! Don't do it! (I can't wait to see the girls exact their revenge... Seems to be a sort of tradition, here! I wonder, will they ever be found out?)

Nice start to what looks like a fun story! I look forward to reading more.

Blessings,
Cesalie :)

p.s. Awesome dedication up there, by the way!

I like this :) More when you can :)

btw, Check this out and let me know what you think? :)



Thanks :)

Pandie