Interesting story, though I can't wait for updates from your other ones.

aw do you have to end it so soon just when i was geting interested in it:( well you could send your country's english paper this short storie but continue it for us * noddes* keep up the great work and dont worry about the grammer i suck at it too lol ta ta for now mel

I say, it's really a good a story. Wild imagination you have there.
In my reckoning, I found the ending rather abrupt.
Overall, it's great! Very detailed descriptions.
Awesome story. I'd love to hear more stories bout the Gods.
Cheers!

The description for your story caught my attention, so I decided to give it a read. First of all, I think the basis for this is really interesting. Very creative - unlike anything I've read on here so far.

A few thoughts:
x. 'A gentle breeze blew passed': 'passed' should be 'past.'

x. What is an athame? My guess, from the context in which it's used, is some sort of blade? I'm assuming I'm not the only person who doesn't know what that is, so you may want to clarify :-)

x. 'The woman was Leah, a witch specialised in herbs': 'specialized' could either be 'specializing,' or you could change it to 'a witch who specialized in...'

x. I really like the detail with which you describe the ritual in the beginning. It's beautifully written, to be sure, but I wonder if you really need all that detail? It could go either way. I'm not saying you should change it at all - just maybe go back and see if everything really is necessary. Just a suggestion.

x. What's a sigil?

x. You change verb tenses a few times, so maybe just go back and have a look at that. Here's one example: 'The breath she exhaled was a silver mist, pouring out of her mouth and dissipated almost immediately.' 'Pouring' is present tense, while 'dissipated' is past.

x. You may want to consider italicizing the thoughts of the dark spirit, just to separate it from the words around it.

x. 'Laken was very sound asleep.' You don't need to use 'very' here - sound asleep already implies that.

x. LOVE the name Laken, by the way. Did you come up with that, or did you look it up? It works really well with this story, I think.

I really hope you continue with this. I know it's meant to just be a short story, but it's really interesting, and I would love to learn more about Leah and Laken. Good luck with this!

Cheers,
Sammy

Ohh a new story!! Its such a long time since I've been here. Great work so far (oh I used to be Adaku-chan) Laken sounds like a cool name. ^_^

adakua

Hello ^^

The story was well written. I enjoyed your descriptive work, and the way you portrayed the emotions of the characters.

You had some grammatical errors here and there, and I will list a few as examples.
1. In "anticipating for the arrival of something", the word "for" is not necessary.
2. In 'lost of glory and the intoxicating power', it should be loss.
3. 'the spirit he seek to vanquish' ought to be 'the spirit he sought...'

Other than the grammar, the only thing that came to my notice was your repetition of words when describing the spirit's voice. You repeated "cold and shrill" numerous times, which got a little tiring after a while.

To sum it up, it was good piece of work. :) Hope to hear more from you soon.

Well written story.

I liked it.

Great job.

Good luck with writing and this story.

~Twilight Starr~

This is very well written and I love the ending.I wish you could have made it longer because I'm very interested in the characters.