Seeing as so much happens over the course of this story, it would probably be better served if it were broken into chapters to give a reader time to process it all. I'd have liked if it could have opened with something more distinctive rather than just an introduction of all the charecters, but this seems well-thought-out.

HA! I knew Neal was his dad! It was a little predictable, but I guess that's because that happens a lot in stories...

Anyway, well written and very original. One of the best things I've read on this site for awhile! =) You'll write more, right?