Reviews for The Redeemer - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: The Redeemer - Reviews: Page 1 of 2

JusticeWriter 2008-05-06 ch 9,	abuseOh! Can't wait for the next chapter.
under the influence 2008-05-03 ch 8,	abuseEmily? don't think you ever referred to her as that before... nice transition chapter--light on the action, but good for character development.
under the influence 2008-05-03 ch 7,	abuseI didn't realized that I had neglected this story until now...this chap was good. The twist concerning Emma's father was interesting...I'm curious to see how that will play out.
JusticeWriter 2008-05-01 ch 8,	abuseAwEsOmE!
lux perpetua 2008-03-11 ch 7,	abusewow! I totally didn't see that coming. What a surprise. John Daniel's speech was really great - really real. The only suggestion I might have is to break it up into more paragraphs. There are a few portions within the speech, particularly that first paragraph, where a line break would be natural and even necessary!
lux perpetua 2008-03-11 ch 6,	abuseCaleb is totally cute! Probably, if he had a stammer, he would be pretty self-conscious about it and not talk a whole lot. Maybe, if you're thinking of editing this chapter, you might include some part towards the end where Caleb, trying to read the Bible, gets frustrated, maybe blushes, and makes Emma finish it. One thing about Emma's dialogue with Caleb. No 8-year-old that I know (and my own sisters are almost eleven years younger than me, so I remember well when they were eight!) would know what "desire to have fellowship with others" means. One way you might think of humanizing Emma would be for her to approach Caleb on his own level, using simple words that he could understand. Jokes might also work, too.
lux perpetua 2008-03-11 ch 4,	abuseoh no! (I have to say, James is my favorite character... he's so honest and real!) one thought occured to me while I was reading that might help you improve the flow of your dialogue. It's actually a little trick that my creative writing prof taught me. For your dialogue tags (... wrong impression," James stated with a slight chuckle) try restricting yourself to "say, ask" and maybe, very rarely, "laugh." Believe it or not, "say" and "ask" are practically invisible tags to readers - they don't draw unnecessary attention to themselves the way "stated" or "smiled" do.
lux perpetua 2008-03-11 ch 3,	abusei liked the little cliff-hanger at the end of this chapter!
lux perpetua 2008-03-11 ch 2,	abusei've been enjoying this story so far. chapter two is particularly good. i was thinking, as i was reading chapter one, perhaps a more dynamic way to show Emma praying is to phrase her prayers as a dialogue - have her asking God questions, etc - to lend your first chapter some of the drama that your second chapter does. Also, though it's important for you to know details about your characters' pasts, they don't all need to be incorporated in the first chapter. Possibly you might even think about switching your first two chapters and starting with James and Emma's conversation, and later flashing back to Emma's prayer - or having Emma pray afterwards, that way you start your story with a bang! Reading more...
JusticeWriter 2008-03-04 ch 7,	abuseWoah! Please update soon.
under the influence 2008-02-26 ch 6,	abuseEmma's interaction with Caleb was so cute...I was a little confused when you first introduced him though...
JusticeWriter 2008-02-25 ch 6,	abuseFinally, an update. I love it. Please continue.
KimHua 2007-11-18 ch 4,	abuse"I don’t think he would. He knows that you and I…” Emma fumbled with her words, she truly didn’t know what to say or how to define it. “ …would never be…together." Ouch. I would expect it to be a little harder for Emma to "surrender everything" - but then we'll have to wait and see to what extent she has surrendered. Because knowing human emotions, I'm pretty sure she'll be having a hard time of it sooner or later...
KimHua 2007-11-18 ch 3,	abuseThe first paragraph in this chapter is exactly what I was talking about in my first review - here you've dropped a little bit of backstory in with the stream of "present-day" narrative, concerning Emma's aunt being a missionary. In fact I'm pretty sure that what you've said here is very similar to what you wrote in the first chapter. :-)
KimHua 2007-11-18 ch 2,	abuseCool. It seems like they have a very sweet friendship. :-) I find it intriguing that you would have Emma want to come to England to go to seminary... as a Christian from England, I know there are far more opportunities to go to strong, Biblical seminaries in the USA. On a story-writing point, your more-or-less repetition of the last line of the previous chapter isn't necessary, and somewhat disrupts the flow. :-)

Return to Top