Reviews for Tasty Magic - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: Tasty Magic

Solemn Coyote 2008-01-13 ch 4,	abuse1) "‘Befriending Your Teenager: A Parent’s Last Hope at Understanding the Child’" Excellent title there. 2) A little bit more weird dialogue in the interlude, with Thomas' comment and Ellen's remark about her husband. It feels a little bit like you're trying to force-inject some maturity into the story, and I'm not entirely sure you need to. Just letting readers know that Alice has a not-so-perfect home life should do the trick. Or maybe I'm reading too much into it. 3) Mark is another excellent character. Lee hasn't really been developed too much yet, but that makes two out of three supporting characters so far who are awesome. I find myself hoping that the story spends a lot of time with the supporting cast, even though Alice is getting better. 4) “I’ll get you to stay here until classes finish so that Lee can erase these memories. You’ll feel better after.” I like how Alice completely ignores the content of what he just said. I also think the intro to the library scene is pure literary magic. However, I dunno if I've ever been a huge fan of casual plot-fixing memory-magic. It feels a little too convenient, letting the author introduce something crazy, and then hide it again without the character changing at all. This is part of why I could never stand those "when you leave this land, your memory will fade" sorts of fantasy stories. I find myself hoping that memory alteration won't play too huge a role in this story, or that it will cause more problems than it fixes. I think that's one of the few ways to make it actually further a plot. 5)"we’re all drawn to places of significance, ley nodes, or whatever you call them." I read that first as 'ley noodles' and was momentarily overcome by hilarity. Then I realized my mistake. I now find myself wishing that it was 'ley noodles'. 6) "“I have a fetish in here somewhere.” “A fetish?” Alice backed towards the door." It's surprising how few people think of a magic charm when you say that word. You could probably get a bit more punch out of that line by having Santi just say "I have a fetish," but that's your call. 7) I like the owls as a sort of third character in the scene with Santi. His power is the ability to invest things around him with life/personality, right? If so, excellent. 8) Overall, this version of TM has a very different pace from the last one. It also seems to have taken on some academy fiction overtones. I approve, I think. Or, at the very least, I'd like to read a few more chapters. Your minor characters have a lot of potential. -SC I realize I've taken a pretty long break from this site, but I hope it's not too late to wander my way back. Let me know if you'd like anything reviewed. In the meantime, I'll be trying to write something new.
Solemn Coyote 2008-01-13 ch 3,	abuseChapter 2 review, go! 1) "and poured smoothly over one shoulder like the shiny scales of a mermaid’s tail." I don't think I've ever heard that simile before, but it sounds good. 2)"“You are rude,” was the reply. “How?” Milla shook her head and looked away. “I will not discuss it.”" Already, I'm liking the characters. Their personalities get kinda diluted a little by all the description, but when they get the chance to talk or interact, awesomeness happens. 3)"“Oi, dickhead!” Alice shouted to get the other girl’s attention and as soon as she did, she wished to take it back." Alice seems really sheltered until exactly this point. The way her character was written, this feels like a really dramatic change. Maybe you could tone it own a little bit? Like, 'have you gone deaf?' or something like that? 4) "Perhaps the school had looked into her old records and realized that she had some serious performing talent. That must be it! She had enough modesty to blush at the thought." And there she is, back to her normal, sheltered, somewhat ego-centric self. I find that I'm liking Millia a ton, but Alice feels a little bland. She has a lot of potential to grow, though. 5)"Saturday, 10-1500. Rehearsing for Spring Festival, negotiate with nymphs. Sanctuary." Obviously 'nymphs' means people from the screenwriters union. I really like how matter-of-factly that comes across. -SC
Solemn Coyote 2008-01-13 ch 2,	abuseOkay. Chapter 1 review, go! 1)"After the bitter complaints about leaving her Merrindale friends behind, the girl was ready to admit that the pale sandstone walls and ornament oak doors of Von Hohenheim’s coupled with the pools of grassy shade under gnarled beech trees, the odd fountain or aging statue put her old school way out of the league" That is one entanglingly long sentence. I like the content, and it certainly sounds pretty, but I'm kinda worried that someone might lose a finger in it. 2)"Tradition and purpose were soaked into the wooden floors of classrooms, corridors and every carefully sculpted? ceiling tile." If that's not a typo, then it's a cool way of playing with grammar. Maybe put the question mark in parenthesis to keep the reader from mis-interpreting it, though. 3)"If it wasn’t inappropriately cold, it wasn’t a real theatre." That line made me smile. And you even spelled theatre with an 're', the way it should be. Kudos. 4)"The vice captain looked like he belonged in hospital and wired to humming machines." maybe replace the 'and' with a comma? 5)"“Can you speak with animals or read people’s minds?” “If you need me to play any of these parts, I’ll do it!” Alice shouted over Stephen’s insane list." This is likeable in a very quirky way. It's got sort of a "I'm not a superhero, I just play one in real life" kinda feel to it. I'm not entirely sure how the food fits into this new draft, but I'll certainly keep reading. -SC
Solemn Coyote 2008-01-11 ch 1,	abuseDude. Dude. You started writing this again while I was off in foreign island-countries. I need to start checking fictionpress more. Here's a review for the prologue. Sorry if my English isn't quite what it used to be before I left. 1)"Years of dust caked with webs and sunlight crumbs" maybe 'sunlit' crumbs, unless you're being extremely poetic. 2)"The air was dry and tasty," Very nice image, but I haven't quite made up my mind about whether it's word repetition if the intro takes a key word from the title. I think I'm gonna go with my gut instinct and say leave the line as it is. So, really, this critique is kinda unnecessary... 3) "The dust by his feet puffed up like a breath of magic." This is excellent. Exactly the sort of feeling you get off of magic waiting to be woken up. It feels a little like the beginning of a kids-who-discover-something-magical type of movie, only a touch artsier. 4) I can't help but wonder how "phantom of the opera"-inspired this intro was. It certainly has the same sort of feeling. Old and rundown, but with something buried beneath the dust. Overall, it's kinda hard to critique intros, so I won't ramble on for too long. It certainly does its job of getting the audience interested. I think I'll read another chapter or two and see if I have more to say then. -SC
felicia13 2008-01-09 ch 4,	abuseHooray for random interludes that sort of make my day... by a lot. Good choice on the interlude, Bread. I just realized, one of my favorite series has a main character named Milla... how... coincidental. glares chuckles So much for going to normal school, right? I know for a fact that no one would be able to NOT crack a joke of some horrible perverted nature if there were "feminine products" just lying around... that is the sad nature of schools today. “You can never touch another person’s fetish.” Am I the only one who finds this inappropriately funny? “they get a bit crazy sometimes, you just have to knock them back.” One, you should capitalize "They" because it's the start of a sentence. Two, I think I really like Santi. You make some great characters... freakin' awesome! spazzes out What'd you do to your arm, Bread? I hope you're better now... would suck if you're still injured. Three months later. Ouch. And we should all build shrines to the one called Shane. I'd thought that was pretty obvious. My own shrine is currently entirely electronic and can be found at (w).(shrine).(shane).(shr) Good times... (the 'shr' stands for the new type of websites: shrines) Yeah... UPDATE! I'll knife you if you don't... I will! Felicia.
Casey Drake 2007-12-10 ch 4,	abuse...cracking up That made my day. :) CD
WyrdWolf 2007-11-28 ch 4,	abuseIt's never good when old people try to get on the same level as teenagers. Do they really publish books on that sort of stuff? ::shiver:: So the drama club is the only completely abnormal group in the school? That gives this a much cooler premise. Well, except for the library, apparently. Animated plush owls! I've got to say that's the coolest thing since the dancing brooms of Fantasia. '"A fetish?" Alice backed towards the door.' That line just makes me bark out laughter. It's bluntly terrific. Hurrah for Alice not being normal, at that. Way to injure yourself trying on a dress, Bread. Did they carry you out on a stretcher while everyone watched? I want more details, if you've got them. ^^ Wolfie
felicia13 2007-10-31 ch 3,	abuseHeh. I don't think anything in this club is actually to her strengths. ^^ I love where this is going, Bread. Write more, please! Milla is intriguing and quickly becoming my favorite character. Alice just seems a little too clueless. Besides, the people you don't know anything about are more fun. Mystery is sexy. Have fun with your nymphs, Felicia.
WyrdWolf 2007-10-26 ch 3,	abuseWell, it seems that Alice has found herself something of an antagonist in Milla (well, we can only hope). Oh, I checked out the concept art you made of her--well done. Those are some amazingly wicked weapons she's holding! I wonder if the whole school has a secret, magical side to its activities or if it's just the drama club. Hm...what would a magical Writer's Guild be like? muses I can't really picture it. Magic doesn't seem to have its place in the act of writing. Not flashy magic, anyway. LTR-R... I bet it's a robot that makes processed cheese. I heard that Russia was making one of those. Great chapter! Wolfie
felicia13 2007-09-30 ch 2,	abuseStephen sounds pretty cool in an ominous sort of way. And Codey's freakin' awesome. I don't know why, but he is. Go brain dead! "And that was all that was said about Codey." Heh. I rest my case. This is great. I'm glad this chapter lived up to its predecessor. Otherwise, I'd be sad. GREAT JOB, BREAD! I hope to see more soon... or at all, really. Felicia.
Casey Drake 2007-09-24 ch 2,	abuseOh this is hilarious. I love it. :) CD
WyrdWolf 2007-09-10 ch 2,	abuseYes, yes, I love this story. It is definitely a favorite. This will be going places--where, I'm not sure, but no one ever is. This has all the elements of greatness: skillful writing, a confused main character, a good smattering of humor, and, of course, a fully paralyzed wheelchair-bound person named Codey. Can't wait to see more of this. But no pressure. Wolfie
WyrdWolf 2007-09-10 ch 1,	abuseVery soft, mysterious prologue. Expertly cut from the bulk like thinly sliced ham at a deli. Sorry to hear about your bad-luck week, Bread. Horrorscopes, right? I put my fortune in the hands of my pockets. Cell phone, pens: right pocket. Wallet: back pocket. Candy: back left pocket. No pants: priceless. Wolfie
Tasha West 2007-09-06 ch 1,	abuseI think it's highly important that you continue this...I'm very interested as to where your going with it :) So update very soon, and this was beautifully written by the way -even if it was just a little prologue :P
felicia13 2007-09-03 ch 1,	abuse"The air was dry and tasty" You won me with that line. It's an excellent prologue. However... it's an extremely vague beginning. Lovely, lovely images, but no substance whatsoever. I can get over that because it's the prologue and things are often explained shortly after the prologue (chapter 2 at the latest). I can only wish you the best of luck on this and pray for an update soon. My curiousity is peaked; the rest is up to you. Felicia.

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