FictionPress.com - let the words flow
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| Alexander d'Alkemade 2007-11-08 ch 2,  | abusethe first chapter is major information dump. I think having your "chapter I" first will help the story. I don't think the history matters so much off the get go. The "Urks" sound curiously similar to "Orcs" or "Uruks". I would suggest a name that doesn't automattically bring up the connection. You've got an interesting start to this piece, I want to read more! so add more soon! |
| StrixAluco 2007-09-14 ch 3, | abuseInteresting. It looks like you've definitely given this a lot of thought. I like that you give a brief introduction of the setting beforehand to make sure the reader understands what's going on. However, the first chapter could probably be combined with the second one for better overall effect. You should try to make it less anonymous: your method catches attention but doesn't hold it very well...your best bet would be to keep the same information but reuse it in a way that's more story rather than encyclopedia entry. There are some phrases you should rework. The ones that jumped out at me were "age of Elves was no longer as strong" and "invading sounds that might prove worthy of their stern foretell". In the first one, you seem unsure exactly what you're trying to say. Either you want to say 'the Elves (as a people) were not as strong(influential/powerful/etc.)' or 'the age of Elves had passed (meaning they're no longer the most powerful group)'. I suspect you mean the second one. For the second one I just think 'stern foretell' is awkward. I don't have any suggestions there, though, because I'm really not sure what you mean to say and a lot of readers might be confused by that. |