Gah!! Then why doesn't he break up with the other girl! I'm just screaming at him in my mind, hehe.

-_-:;

~ Sakina x

I love how descriptive this chapter was because it gives more detail but I dislike how short the chapter seems to be.

S'me again~

I can totally imagine each chapter I've read so far being played out on the pages of a comic - dunno if anyone has told you that yet. Maybe it's the simple description, or the sparse yet angsty speech?

Digging the grittiness...this stuff truly comes from the heart.

:)

~ Sakina x

Using the car as an extended metaphor...nice. Or maybe I'm reading too much into it.

Also like the way you link fire with the other character - once again in few words, you've managed to capture the essence of a character...kudos!

:)

~ Sakina x

Once again, your style has urgency which I like, no doubt from the story taking place in the present tense, and I do like the how you ended the chapter with a cliffy...

~ Sakina x

Oh wow, I love the poetry in your words, how you can conjure up so much emotion in so few words, and I also love the lack of names.

~ Sakina x

I like how this chapter is so loveydovey but I dislike how you don't seem to capitalize at the beginning of each sentence.

The sentences make things drag on. It's too long, has too many clauses and the whole pieces feels a bit like a run on. Punctuation and all would help too. It feels a little messy. You have the ideas and there's something there, but it needs a stronger finish and a bit more depth to it. You need to explain it more and explore it further. As of now, it feels a bit weak.

Ah, this chapter makes me kind of sad. I hate how she's gone back to him even though I think he's contributing to her destruction; although he's not abusive in any way, he's just jerking her around and he doesn't understand it. He seems very innocent and young to me; much different from the boy I think we encountered in the first chapters. It's a very nice change in his characterization; in most stories, I would expect to see the bad boy remain bad, or even get worse.

I really liked the last two lines, too. Very powerful and poignant.

I think this is my favorite chapter, so I'm really glad I decided to read beyond the four you requested! The emotion in this is very raw and perfect. It really makes me feel for your main character and it really does feel realistic, like this could happen in actual life.

I like the way that their skinniness represents how they're all falling apart. In some ways it's a very trivial thing, but not eating seems natural considering their situation.

I like the motif of smoking that you've included through this whole piece. It's obvious that the guy has some issues with it (maybe his brother died of smoke related issues? that's my belief, anyway) and it gives the guy a lot of personality and depth.

I think it would be interesting if you explored why the girl started smoking. I'd like to know that story, because although her parents seem sort of absent now, that can't be the only reason that she turned to smoking. In fact, I'd like to know her motivations for a lot of things--I think it would really round her out as a character.

i like the devolution of their relationship, and how the main character realizes they're devolving while the boy is once more oblivious. It seems very natural and very real, like this could actually happen to real people.

Another thing I like is how the boy doesn't have any dialogue in this chapter, and we're just hearing it from the girl. You can really see her tone in this, and how exasperated she is about the whole situation.

I feel so bad for this main character! I hate how oblivious the guy is to her feelings; he doesn't understand what a jerk he's being. I absolutely love the relationship you've crafted between their characters, it's such a love-hate thing and I can't understand why she stays with him! haha

Once again, your descriptions are incredible. I loved the imagery about the "other" girl--it was very vivid.

i think that out of the ones that I've read this far, I like this one the best. The emotions in it are very raw--I feel so bad for our unnamed character, especially at the end when you can tell that's she's falling apart but can't care about it.

I also adore your descriptions. I especially liked the beginning paragraph; it was such an ordinary scene, but so vivid, especially the music being so loud that the candles move.

Review Game!

All right, short first chapter, but here we go...

First of all, I'm not crazy about the formatting. I know it's supposed to be deliberate, but I think you have to decide whether or not this is a story or a poem. In a poem, lack of capitalization would be more palatable. But that's just my opinion.

Okay, my OCD-ness out of the way...

I really liked the unconventional description of the person that the narrator's describing, particularly the description of the eyes. I liked this because their eyes aren't immediately likeable, and yet as you goes on with the description, you come to like them with the narrator.

I think I'll review more soon, but until then, hang tight!

-Stardust.