Reviews for My Gentle Rebel - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: My Gentle Rebel

Written 2008-03-14 ch 1,	abusegreat summary, first of all :) you've done a great job showing her feelings and showing how she develops through the events... specifically emotionally. well done!
midnightbeauty 2007-12-16 ch 1,	abuseAww I loved this, but the ending made me want to cry! I don't generally read one-shots, because I feel they sort of leave off at the end, but I do like this. I think it would make a great short story as well, a few chapters where they could meet again when they were older, maybe in the states. :) They were a few mistakes I noticed. She said "I know I was behaving boldly..." which is a change of tense, and makes the reading a bit awkward. Same with when she says "I didn't know how." Which should be "I don't know how." because she was thinking that at the time, so it would be present tense. Where you wrote "He didn't smile didn't laugh." there should be a comma between smile and laugh. "Handed it to them," should be "Handed them to them," because it's more than one bag. That's about it! Other than those corrections, I think it was a great one shot :) Kisses, midnightbeauty
Honey Beddell 2007-10-15 ch 2,	abuseFor starters, I'm glad the comments and critiques from everyone is pushing you to be a better writer. That's always good and it's the only way you grow, yeah? I just put up a new story and when T was like, "you have a typo" I was like "YAY!" hahaha. I can be a dork sometimes. :) Anyway, as far as the revised story actually goes ... I think the start is a little weak on the introduction stage. A little choppy. I'm glad she finally has a name though. I think she can spend more time introducing herself without sound cocky or vain or anything. First of all, her clothes don't really shot "tomboy" ... I know some girly girls who can make baggy pants and a plain tshirt look like the biggest fashion statement on the earth. I guess you can say that "I never wore skirts, my wardrobe was full of baggy pants and jeans and more tshirts than you can count" or something like that. And I think you should show how her personality reflects the tomboy in her too. The way she thinks, how she likes to climb trees or play sports all day ...the fact that while most fourteen year olds are being initiated into the world of shopping and make-up, Lisa was still "one of the guys". Still curious to why they are vacationing in London. Especially by themselves. In American mentality, families vacation together. Usually the kids don't go alone, unless they are going to visit family or something like that. I think they are called secondary school exit exams, not leaving exams. You think her "coldness" to growing up is also a cultural thing? Most Nigerians do boarding school, and just the life and school system forces you to be somewhat independence and self-reliant early. Kind of. I'm interested in her thoughts going just a bit deeper as she observes the other kids flying. As she looks at the, age 7 to 16, what is she thinking? What does she notice about them? How do they make her feel a disconnect? Cause you having her come out of "deep thoughts" but there isn't much deepness taking place. The emotion overall is a lot stronger this time around. Just how she was feeling with Simon. And stuff. Very good. I think when she talks about how she wish they were more independent, you can juxtapose that with the fact that she was more independent to start college, but not to be in love. Some typos here and there. Spelling, missed words and punctuation. Good work ... getting better each time. I think there is a lot of telling, and it's so much like a narrative. Which isn't bad, but sometimes I do wish for more showing.
avidbookworm 2007-10-12 ch 2,	abuseNICE! and great summary. I was really attracted to the summary.:D
criti-sized 2007-09-22 ch 1,	abuseThe beginning of the short seems the same as the last one, but it could possibly be me, I'm kinda slow today, and that could be from the fact that I'm used to being in class right now, lol. As I'm taking it, the girl narrating, who hasn't given her name ^_*, is new at traveling alone, you stated that. I remember when I travelled across America on a train and I was by myself literally, that was scary for me then, because I was only eleven, but now I'd love to do it. I guess the good thing was that Simon was able to oull her out of her shell, which wasn't very hard. And his forwardness is quite amusing, especially the way he took a quick interest in her, and still doesn't know her name. I laughed, again at the part where he asked to trade seats with hr sister. If that were me and my sister, even though she's younger than me by at least ten years if not less, she would've told him something smart smart like: Do you have a boarding pass for this seat? No. But you already know about my crazy family, so... I remember how hype everybody used to be about NSYNC- I almost didn't remember how to spell their group name- But now, they're definitely past news, I don't even think I see their albums on sale anymore in stores unless you get them specially delivered. What I like is the protagonist's ability to admit her feelings towards the guy, even though she barely knows him. That in itself sows a great maturity about her that most fourteen year olds can't do. It looked more to me like her first kiss was stolen,lol, because she din't expect it. That doesn't mean she wasn't allowed to like it. Lol, little sisters are a trip, but boys would be worse. Hm, I don't know what to say about the end. The short in all was great. I mean, there aren't many people that can actually tell a story in one chapter without dragging it on. I guess to me, the 'I love you' term sort of falsifies a lot of emotion, but so many people use it. In this case with the short, it fit though somehow. Probably because of a lot of things coming fro the main character. But I liked it again, the story was nice to read either way. C.S.
Tatiana Moore 2007-09-17 ch 1,	abuseGreat summary, I can tell from it that you're working in a conflict or problem/issue that the main character needs to overcome, so that's good (btw... I am reviewing as I read). "I blinked owlishly at him through black rimmed glasses" --love this line, reminds me of Potter. HAHA. Good though--I really like it. Why wouldn't she be sure that he was talking to her? He's looking right at her--maybe she's shocked that he IS talking to her (and then you'd have to say why). Also, dive more into her character--why does she wish she could be carefree, and why can't she be? Grow that part of her more so we will be able to see why her kissing him and why she says I love you is so important toward the end. Also, she has a sudden urge to comfort Simon--is this an out of character urge? Is it hard for her to comfort people? Does she feel awkward around such displays of emotion and doesn't know how to handle them? Think about these things when you develop her character, it'll make her more deep and it will help build up your climax and conclusion. Idea: it might be good to give a date at the beginning. Does this happen in the past (I can sorta tell since NSYNC is mentioned and they were big several years ago), but maybe just mention that--it'll help you set the scene and the environment. Also... I'm not sensing much of a connection between her and Simon yet--this "kindred spirit" sense seems to come on suddenly, because he sits by her and he talks to her about NSYNC and then goes to get her sister for her--I don't know, I feel like something's missing. Maybe she should feel something when he grabs her wrist--some type of romantic spark as she looks at him, something she sees in his eyes, etc. Also--besides sisterly protection, why is she so worried about her sister? How old is the girl? I think it's important to get a sense of these "crush" feelings that she's having as they're talking, instead of all of a sudden. It'll make it seem more real. Why would the flight attendant tell Simon to take care of her? Seems a little random. Maybe he should say something else, something that embarrasses her more--like "no making out" or something like that? Also, he said he "tried" smoking... not that he's still doing it, so maybe it should be "I even started smoking". "I wore my glasses, hoping to hide all traces of sleep"... did she take her glasses off before this point (before she went to sleep)... I was under the impression that she needed them all the time. To be honest, I find it a bit overkill that their few kisses woudl turn into raging gossip about them having sex on the plane or something like that, so the paragraph starting with "the main reason why we couldn't ran through my head" just doesn't seem realistic to me--the paragraph after that is more realistic--long distance relationships are hard. Also "no one would understand what we felt for each other"... I don't know, still not seeing a strong love-connection with them. I feel like at this point her barriers need to have been completely shattered with the kiss. She needs to have more of a response to it--something like "holy crap... what's gotten into me"... maybe she could show a little resistance to being kissed or kissing back, make him work at getting her to trust him. I understand that it could be a given and that she'll trust him completely from the first hello, but--realistically?!?! I'm not sure. So this version is a lot better than the first--I just think you need to build up your character a little more, as well as the feelings that she's feeling for this boy. Maybe when she first sees him something different an unfamiliar to her sparks and she can't take her eyes away from him. Basically I think there should be a bigger lead up to the kiss (consider it your climax). So wow... this is extremely long! Hopefully it will save and submit. I hope that these comments were helpful--it's a good one-shot, it just needs a little more build up in the beginning. :)T
Honey Beddell 2007-09-16 ch 1,	abuseI read the first version ... although I can't remember if I commented or not. This one is considerably better. More narrative and less of an essay as the first one seemed to be. Something tells me it's autobiographical. :) As far as critiques go ... What's the main focus of the story? I think that's something you have to really ask yourself as you write each sentence and paragraph, there are parts that don't seem to relate to the whole story ... the paragraph about chemical engineering and how is she supposed to know what she wants to study, for example, doesn't seem to relate much to the story's purpose. Also, things going on at home with her parents. The NSYNC lyrics. For me the story is about first love, but also a sort of "rite of passage" for the young narrator. This experience brought her into adulthood in a sense, even as she was on the threshold of utter independence with the start of university. ... also, seeing as it's not uncommon for Nigerians to be starting college at 15/16 (or graduating from high school anyway at that age), there seems to be too much emphasis on her youth to be taking such a big step. Here, it is a big deal. But not there ... and she is Nigerian, no? Also ... as a Nigerian myself, I'm interested as to the narrator's family life. Why is she visiting England and why is it positive she'll be going to school in America? Both are luxuries MANY and MOST Nigerians don't even begin to hope for. Or even if they hope for, is not achieved with ease. For those of us that have that ease ... it's due to our family status, wealth or circumstance ... so that peaked my interest, and it wasn't really fulfilled. I guess you ARE writing for a more American audience, but since the protagonist is Nigerian ... (not sure if I am getting my point across, it makes sense in my head. hehe) I think I'd like a little bit more depth as she explores her feelings and thoughts of getting ready for college, realizing that by going to school in America, she will be 2-3 years younger than her peers suddenly ... just the sudden saddle of responsibility and need to grow up and experience things. You begin to touch on some of it ... but not a whole lot. All in all ... good rewrite.
GryphonFledglingOfSilverWin... 2007-09-16 ch 1,	abuseHey! Updates! Congratulations! I like your summary... Grr... I completely stink at summaries. is envious Good luck on life! ~GryphonFledglingOfSilverWings

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