|Reviews for The Soul Eater|
| AmeLB 1/16/08 . chapter 11
o.o WOW! That creeped me out in the beginning but it's all good: Chloe saved the day. -smiles- good job, looking for the next!
| liminalzest 1/6/08 . chapter 10
very interesting story. i'm looking forward to the rest of it.
| AmeLB 1/4/08 . chapter 10
o.o Yay! Another chapter-long one at that. XD
**claps** I heart Cnawan! o.o great chapter, looking for the next!
| Fluffy Piranha 1/2/08 . chapter 1
Interesting title you have there, but can you keep up with drawing the reader in as they read through the story? Mm, by what I've read so far (which isn't much), I'd say you're lacking in that area.
First off, the passive voice has to leave. It can weaken your writing and be sluggish for the reader. It doesn't impress us. Kind of like beginning a session of yoga and remaining at the laying stage; it's lazy. We (as the readers) want to see what is going on, not hear about it.
You know how people say "Yeah, this was so cool!" Well, what the heck was cool about it? We don't know, because they decided to be lazy about not showing.
Keep that in mind, I'll try to put in sentences that can make yours more unique in a way, but you don't need to use them. Some may be a little sloppy too (at least in my eyes) but it's just to give you a tip on what to do.
Nollem was doomed to die, he was to be a great sacrifice for the people of Gavrotte.
(( Nollem's name reminds me of Gollem from LOTR. Ah well. Passive voice here. ))
- The people of Gavrotte anticipated the sacrifice of Nollem.
From birth, he was surrounded by those who waited anxiously for the right time to kill him.
(( Passive voice. Show, don't tell. ))
- From birth, everyone awaited the right time to kill him.
His eulogy had been written the day he was born.
(( His eulogy was written? So a tribute to him came from the people? Hmm. At first, I didn't think this was the right word to use, but I will not state anything further on it. You have a plan here that I do not know, and you've stated that he /is/ a great sacrifice. ))
- On the day of his birth, his eulogy began.
The poets and artisans of Gavrotte obsessively speculated on the many ways he could be sacrificed and depicted their fantasies in word, paint, or stone.
(( I believe you mean 'and' stone instead of 'or' stone. ))
Even his mother drummed her fingers impatiently, wishing he'd just get on with it.
(( Odd for even a mom to be thinking of this. I mean, even if he IS going to be a great sacrifice, she was the one that gave birth to him. Unless she's a top-of-the-line bitch, she shouldn't just be hoping for his death to come. A mother is connected to their baby the moment it pops out of them. It's like a piece of themselves, and now the mother is having a piece of her ripped away. So what does she do in this time of crisis with her child on the line? She wishes it would come sooner.
-shakes head- That's a bad mother for you. ))
But, Nollem couldn't die yet, he hadn't learned to love, and it was impossible for Nollem to love while he was surrounded by those who only wanted his blood.
(( There doesn't need to be a comma after 'but'. Passive voice again. ))
- But Nollem had no experience in love (and with all the people who only wanted him dead, how could he?), so the sacrifice remained postponed.
If Nollem were to die too soon, the people of Gavrotte would have been doomed to hell.
(( Passive voice. ))
- Hell is reserved for the people of Gavrotte if Nollem's death comes too soon.
And Nollem was frightfully cheerful about that possibility.
(( Passive voice. Also, cut out the adverb. If he is cheerful about this happening, of course it's rightful. Nobody should be happy about a town going to hell, even if they deserve it. Try not to start off sentences with 'and' either. ))
- Nollem's atittude brightened at the thought of this.
Xerosym had nightmares from which he would wake screaming and bleeding from the ears.
(( Now wait a second, weren't you just talking about Nollem? You did a complete 360 on your reader. Why would you suddenly talk about a character that was never brought up in the first place? I mean, there isn't even an introductory here, or a break to show we are in another place to witness another character. You just suddenly state something about this new person.
That's like someone who has ADHD. They're talking about waffles one second then puppies the next. It just makes you go "...Where the hell did that come from?"
It's bothersome to the reader. ))
All right, I need to stop at this point, because I've just read through the whole thing. All this chapter is is a huge infodump of I Don't Care. It's like a prologue that's describing things that could be described INTO the story itself when the real characters come into play.
You want to start off a story with something enticing to the reader; an action scene, an actual death that has already occurred, screaming and shouting, etc. Instead, you're giving us bio's on your characters. Well, sadly enough, no matter how well you may work on your characters, the reader just doesn't care unless something good is happening in the process.
So what if Nollem is meant to be a sacrifice? It hasn't happened yet, and we don't need a back story on everyone's thoughts of it. No action no go.
Okay, yeah, Xerosym is one of the Touched and becomes some insane boy in his parent's point of view, but is destined to do Great Things, because he has been Touched. -sigh- Empathy is now lost for this character. Do you know why? Because since he is a Guardian and has become Touched, he has to do good. Well, out the window with that.
Another question, do you mean angels in this, or are they really named angles? (If you cant come up with a name better than the slope of an object, then there's something wrong.)
- "The second thing he knew was that when the time was right, Xerosym, and no other, could be the one who killed Nollem."
-spews her pop- WHAT! Tell me you did NOT just tell your reader what is going to happen. No, no, no! How would you like to watch a movie where at the beginning it told you who was going to do what to who, and why this person was so special. You don't do that! Leave the reader in suspense as they are reading, and only when you hit the middle to end of the book should they realize what is going on.
Now for dear ol' Chloe, The One With Many Names. -twitch- The nice, innocent girl who turned into a dark, demented.../thing/. You've just built an emo child. What was the reasoning behind this change? Hell if we know. You don't give us anything to go off of. You just say "This is this, and that is that." Nope, no explanation needed for us. We should know everything by heart with this infodump.
I'm finished with this, but I have one final closing line to give: Delete this chapter. It is nothing to the reader. It's a large amount of blah, blah, blah with no action. You can put all of this information in with the real story, piece by piece. Not in a big pile.
| AmeLB 12/22/07 . chapter 9
OMG! -Bouncing in chair- thanks for writing more! It's great-as usual! See you next chapter/phone call/visit!
| AmeLB 10/23/07 . chapter 7
Best part ever:
"A dragon! That's a dragon! I'm in a cave. A dragon cave! How did I get here? With a dragon! Am I dead? Well, I will be soon, that's a dragon! Why am I not scared? Because I'm stupid, that's a DRAGON! Oh, shut up. That isn't helping."
-heart- Looking for the next chap!
| AmeLB 10/18/07 . chapter 6
Zo-Ohmaigosh! -gives thumbs up- I know you'll get sick of my comments after a while, but too bad P.
Wonderfulness! -hugs- I'd make the review longer if I had things to say, but I don't, so I won't... sort of.
-Loves yous bunchies!-
| Draco-joe 10/11/07 . chapter 3
thank you for your reviews on my two stories. I'm glad you liked them. I'm trying to base the style in The Chinese Job off of the same kind they use in Sin City and Max Payne.
I'm hooked reading your story. Its very emotional. And a blood-sucking tree? sweet. you don't see that everyday. since it drinks blood, i wonder if it would bleed if cut? I'll keep reading your story whenever i get a chance. work kind of cuts into these things, but ill continue to the next chapter as soon as possible.
| AmeLB 10/9/07 . chapter 5
WOOHOO! -gives two thumbs up- It's great! Keep it up or I'll hunt you down and throw a ... -thinks for a moment- pillow at you! -evil laugh, coughs, smiles- I'm still working on my Buttinsky story slowly, but it's coming along!
| Draco-joe 10/8/07 . chapter 2
Great chapter. it had a bit of a poetic quality to it. well written and very descriptive. i liked the way to managed to give a background story and have it flow directly into the present almost seamlessly. keep up the great writing.
| Draco-joe 10/8/07 . chapter 1
A lot of times, a story could be ruined simply by giving the reader too much information in the beginning of the book, leaving little to wonder. the way you wrote your beginning, you managed to introduce all core characters and telling of thier pasts without actually explaining the characters themselves. it leaves the reader to find out on thier own just who these people are. well done.
| AmeLB 9/24/07 . chapter 3
YAY! This is really good so far, hon! I'm trying to get people to read it and comment on here! Linkage on the RPs time!
| DJ Wenata 9/21/07 . chapter 1
this is neat hope it continues
| AmeLB 9/21/07 . chapter 2
Awesome so far! I'm watching for your updates, hon! -blows kisses- XD
| Ink-Quill-Books 9/17/07 . chapter 1
This is very good i hope u continue and get better i can tell this will be a great story.