GR
i read the whole lovely story (it really was fantastic), suffered through all of you sexual tension, AND THEY NEVER EVEN KISSED! if you're going to put in all that tension, they should have at least kissed, AND Vesper should have been able to admit (to herself at least) that she loves Caden (i do too, he's so adorable!). It was a great tale, very well written, but the end was a little too...back to the begining. They could still be violent (necessary), but she needed to accept her feelings after the run in with Eros. AND desperate need to relieve said tension.
Any ways, i loved the story, thank you for all the hard work that must have gone into this. You really should think about getting this published (especially if you have them kiss). It's an original plot (who would've thought the god of love could be so evil?) and i KNOW how hard those are to come by. Trust me I've been reading(huge amts) since i was 5. outta room now, so i'll just say thanks and good luck!

Hey! Awesome start, but there are a few things I just wanted to mention just to get you thinking about them for future revisions.

"None of the lights were on and only the moonlight filtering through the vertical windows on one side of the building lit the room" Mentioning the lights are off is redunant when it says only the moonlight filters in. You can probably say "The only source of light was moonlight filtering through the vertical windows, forming slanted bars of light across the crates..."


"flapping up into the dense black air-space" I think "dense black air-space" sounds awkward and you could say "disappeared into the darkness overhead" instead.

"suggestion that the animals inhabiting" I think you should replace animals with creatures to fit the tone of your passage better.

"watching the black, swooping figures up near the roof" Since you mention earlier in the sentence her eyes are locked onto the ceiling, you don't need to mention again that the figures are near the roof.

"they’re bat-like wings and ugly" Should be "their"

"if provoked. Frequently, without being provoked." You can leave that part out if they're gouging eyes with and without provocation, so just say they have a tendency to gouge out innocent eyes.

"Who knew how many were sleeping or sitting motionless." You should probably have a question mark here instead of a period.

"so damn happy, sometimes" Since the sentence before this one has a phrase after a comma, switch up your sentence structure and include a "that" between happy and sometimes.

"at a slowly gliding mutant bird creature" The "mutant bird creature" sounds like a description a young child might make and not a trained assassin, so cut out creature and leave it as "gliding mutant bird."

"preparing herself to use" you can cut out the "herself" since she's not really psyching herself out to use the crate, but simply preparing to use it. "Prepare herself" lends more of a sense of trying to convince or encourage yourself to do an action.

"joined by screeches and screams from the harpies, all now in frantic flight" can be condensed to "joined by screeches and screams from the harpies in panicked flight"

"One harpy, though, fell quickly to the ground, hitting with a nasty crunch, a small hole through its skull, straight through its temples." This sentence has too many commas which makes it seem really chopped up. I suggest you re-write it as something like this: "One harpy crashed into the ground with a sickening crunch, a small hole drilled through it's temples."

"The flock of enraged myths sighted both Vesper and Dalia at the same time and set its sights immediately on their blood" You use sighted here twice within the sentence, so you should probably change it up a little. Also, I haven't read any other chapters yet, but if this is a fantasy world and harpies are commonplace, then "enraged myths" doesn't really make much sense (they're really only myths in our world at this point). Not sure what the situation is, so just pointing it out now in case.

I would probably re-write the above sentence as: "The flock of enraged harpies locked their gazes on both Vesper and Dalia at the same time, and set their sights immediately on their blood."

Ok, you may think this is a little bit weird but your story annoys me so much. You're probably thinking then, why the hell are you reading it? Right? Well I guess it's annoying in a good way? I just can't stop reading it. :)
You know there's this weird thing, when I read a story I kind of connect with the character and sometimes I feel like screaming at Pace and Caden. Haha.
But this is a great story.
And Slaid annoys me as well.. But oh well, these characters are necessary. Now I feel like a freak.
Happy writing :)

I really loved your story.
Actually, right now I'm going to begin Edged.

hi

this is really good.

the portal is that place where her dad and her played isnt it? where he said fairies were born!!

sequel?

xx

ah gosh, i feel awful for waiting til the last chapter to review this...fansmackintastic story, but please take it as a compliment that i wasn't able to resist pausing between moving from chapter to chapter...
:D
i cant wait to go on to read the sequel, but for now..i better get SOME sleep.
WONDROUS job.
SLGunn.
oh! ..just one question...have you happened to read the Twilight saga?

All i can say is that this story made me laugh so much. Seriously, i was holding my sides and laughing.

Isn't it amazing how some stories you have to walk away from and give them time before they turn out awesome? You said in you pm that the first few chapters were written a while ago. I'm guessing these last few chapters were written more recently becuase they get better and better.

--Things would be as their supposed to be and you would listen to everything I say and do it.”-- Their should be they're. It's just one of those things spell checker doesn't catch. Otherwise your grammer / spelling is damned good.

I love your talent at suspense. I'm actually jealous because I tend to give to much away. It's probably why I have a bad time keeping secrets. I can't wait to see what's going on with Vesper.

Wow! What an awesome chapter. Although I didn't realize that Pace and Vesper had stepped into another room. Maybe I missed that part.

--You really need to get laid before you do something dangerous. Or someone.-- Who thought this? I've read the paragraph befor and after and I can't figure it out. It can't be Caden because she couldn't get his thoughts early on in the story. Wait a minute, now she can read his thoughts?

Otherwise, good job. I'll be back in the morning.

I've been reading your story the past week or so, it's been kinda hectic trying to find time to read it. First of all, I loved your first chapter. That's the way it should be done- character introductions, setting, action, a change from the mc's normal life. Well done!

At first I thought your plot involved killing myths but now I've figured out your story is more of how Vesper interacts with the characters surrounding her. That being said, the first 7 chapters got a little repetative. I'd love to know how Vesper got so jaded. And so far, Pace and Caden are so similar that I'm wondering why. I'm also wondering about why you haven't used much of her telepathic abilities since early on in the story.

Interesting chapter, I think I like it.

...No words to describe this. Well, actually, I think that there are a few, but their more incomprehensible squeaks and screams than actual words. Everything I try to review with just seems inadequate! BRAVO!
-M

This actually sounds really cool. It's kind of weird though because Vesper is such a unique name. There's another story that's in progress, called the Ghost Stone and the main character's name is Vesper. It's just weird because I'm trying not to get the two personalities mixed up while I'm reading your story. Oh well, I know Vesper's personality will develop more because I've only read the first part, I just thought I'd tell you an unnecessary part of my life. Okay, on to chapter one...

Hey, Euphorialie!

Have you ever been on booksie? If you haven't i'm not trying to stear you away - but I was on fictionpress for a bit and noticed your (amazing) work, and I promoted yours on my homepage!