 darkflame1516 2007-10-16 . chapter 2You need to wait at least 30 seconds before submitting another review.
--
f-you fictionpress! XP just kidding...but seriously, i'd waited like a full MINUTE already...
okay, reviewness:
(sighs at Gobran Village) yay, i WUV roses...
um, noticed a potential grammar error. "Her father had thrown money away on a twenty room house, and as they only needed six of them, they let the others out to travelers." shouldn't that be they LENT the others out to travelers?
um...who the hell is Nick? u just mention the name, but theres no explanation...is he a brother, a like servant or something else?
see, later on u mention Nick yelling at their younger brother, but it'd be nice to know who he was when he's mentioned...
okay, so his brother is his half-brother who's a bastard child?...okay, just making sure I get the connections...
hm...now I wanna know what her father does too...
hmm...Michael gone...killed by war maybe...(ish thinking aloud) and Caroline...what's her story...hmm...disease maybe?
GAH! me and Dweez must now track down that "father" and beat HIM like he hit his child!! GAH! *Dweez grabs axe*
hey, i know that name, Ben Albrit! *grins*
aw, thats sweet, he helped her...but why would SOAP burn?
eww, arranged marrages SUCK!
oh...nice...he WANTS her...
great chappie, wuved it!
but one last thing...i noticed i'm not on ur author alert...why is that? do u not wanna know when i have stories/poems up but its like expected for me to do it for you? :( |
 darkflame1516 2007-10-16 . chapter 1well, u already got my reactions to this chapter when u made me read it before, but u deserve a review for it as well :P
anyway, i really like this, ur descrips are very detailed (as usual) and it really helps paint the picture and all that jazz. (sings: and all that jazz! [jazz hands/pitties])
Dweezell - hi mommey! i'm weviewing too!!
but seriously "“It’s two weeks, Devon. What harm could it do?”"
thats the fucking death statement for anyone!! why would he say that? XP XP XP |
 Hellenic Pride 2007-10-05 . chapter 1Brilliant beginning - your descriptions and character development are quite strong. You show William's character very clearly and the relations he holds to his friends. However, I am having trouble figuring out two things, which are interrelated. 1) When is this taking place? 2) Where is this taking place? Is this a fantasy realm, or a historical piece set in a time period your reader will recognize, or a mix of both? Perhaps going into a bit of detail to set up the scene would be helpful to the reader, unless you're going to do that in the next chapter. |