Reviews for One Over The Other

Reviews For: One Over The Other - Reviews: Page 1 of 15

cocoartist 2008-08-23 ch 30,	abuseI just read this all (in a oner this evening) and it's SO good. I panicked about half-way through because I totally fell for Yates and it looked like she might pick Jack.. but she didn't so now I'm super happy. I love stories where you don't know who they're going to end up with and even more when that person is not neccessarily introduced from the beginning. Anyway, this is great. x
Roses mean love 2008-05-05 ch 29,	abuseHe leaves! He goes to college and we don't know if they get married or even stay together>< Don't get me wrong, I love the story, but the end is frustrating...
Roses mean love 2008-05-05 ch 30,	abuseNoo! Bad ending! To much stuff you need to finish! Gr! It's so good. Why did it have to end like that? pout
I Murder on Impulse 2008-05-01 ch 29,	abusenice
I Murder on Impulse 2008-05-01 ch 30,	abuseNO I wnna jack! sigh xx
Angel-Leigh Jones 2008-05-01 ch 30,	abusehiya love this story. Can't wait for the sequel. I liked how she ended up with yates. Sad about jack though he was so nice and then got nasty and then nice again. Elliot should have gotten yates. But then she would have been nice with jack or mitch. I dunno bout mitch maybe cause i am bias to the name mitch. love the name mitch :) so to answer you question i think elliot with yates was good. great story angel
Luv and Peace 2008-04-28 ch 30,	abusehey so i read this the other day, all in one day and i still keep coming back to read it again. I absolutely adore this story! In the beginning it seemed like you were undecided and didn't know what to do with the story but later chapters there seemed to be more of a "sense" of something to come. You know? But awesome story anmd definately my fave!
ILuvG33ks 2008-03-18 ch 30,	abuseyay!! :) it was great! great writing and great plots!
Cecilyatheart 2008-03-07 ch 30,	abuseAT first I wasn't sure about this story, but then I grew to really enjoy it! Well done. I loved your guy characters. It was hard reading about Elliot passing thru guys like they were changes of clothes, but she got smart in the end. Again, well done.
Alenor 2008-02-11 ch 30,	abuseheya, this is a great story. i'm so glad she ended up with yates! cya later ~ Alenor.
ChaosUnleashed 2008-02-10 ch 30,	abuseOMG!! That was such a sad ending. Kay, now that that's over you ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO write the sequel about Jack because honestly, three of my friends and I have all read it and we are completely and utterly fascinated by his 'I'm a bad boy but I'm tender and loving' thing. Its AMAZING! I stronly encourage it about Jack. He is just too perfect. -keep it up! Chaos
dancer-bailey 2008-02-07 ch 1,	abuseYou asked who we liked better in the end and I can honestly say that I liked Yates tons more than Jack. Yates fan for life! I truely hope you decide to write a sequal.
Lucy-the-bookworm 2008-02-05 ch 1,	abuseWell first off I want to say I loved this story! Second, you're writing seemed to improve with each chapter. And third Yeats was my favorite of the two guys, and this is why. Jake was a but head. If he really cared he would have told Brooke they never would have had to keep it a secret for soo long, and he shouldn't have done all those things with other girls. Yeats was perfect. Yeats changed for Elliot and Elliot changed for Yeats they were perfect together! Loved it! Lucy
ReadWriteLive 2008-02-04 ch 1,	abuseJust found your story. I notice that you have a lot of reviews so I hope you don't get hurt by my comments. However, this was a difficult chapter for me to get through and I'd like to explain why. Short of rewriting the whole thing, here are some highlights. "Jack (Brooke’s twin brother) walked into the kitchen. " Horrible opening sentence. Why would you explain who Jack was like that? Instead, I'd go with: "Jack walked into the kitchen and, clearly oblivious to me, pulled off his shirt while talking to his twin sister, Brooke. That was when I realized he must have seen me and decided to torture me." And so on from there. Also, before you get much further into the story, you should explain who she is and why she is there. I would probably put it after "How was I going to stay here for a year with that distraction around?" since that is a natural lead in...the reader is wondering "Why is she going to be there for a year?" and you respond to that question. Also, share the bathroom with whom? Capitalize Lord Check for present/past/future tenses, you tend to mix them up quite a bit and not in an appropriate way. The story from "Things never used to be like this..." to " the only problem is I'm not living here." is quite confusing. Partially because you mix up tenses. Also, because if she and Brooke go to the same school, and Brooke is a day time student, why would Elliot need to fly in? " I would be staying here a whole year, 365 days with the Dormer’s." We know a year is 365 days, no need to say it again. Also, that next sentence, if Jack goes to a different boarding school, why would they have any problems being near each other? Try and describe the people in less of a listing fashion. For example, instead of: "When the person came into focus I could see a familiar friend walking towards me. He was wearing a light blue shirt with sleeves rolled up above the elbow, black pants, black leather belt with a silver buckle and black dress shoes. The familiar face is Parker Faley..." Try: "When the person came into my line of sight, I saw it was Parker Faley, an old friend and boyfriend for three years before he transfered. He looked really good in a light blue shirt and his rolled up sleeves showed off his muscular arms. His black pants and shoes made for a nice presentation. As Parker sauntered into the kitchen, he flicked back a piece of his dirty blond hair and drew my attention to his dark eyes and face that reminded me of a Greek god." (see, gets across the same details but doesn't list his features) I realize you like the word "whilst" but use it sparingly (once per chapter, max). Instead, try and rewrite the sentence, example: "“Hey gorgeous.” He said whilst looking at me. " try: "Parker looked towards me and smiled, "Hey gorgeous," he said before moving over to Brooke." or more simply: "Hey gorgeous." He said, looking at me with a smile in his eyes. If they are 17, how are they going to a bar? Why would they need 3 cars for 7 people? Mitch, Leo and Blaine attend the same school as whom? Parker? Jack? Brooke and Elliot? "Sadly the whole group knows enough about their history so they weren’t asked many gruelling questions. " Why is that sad? Grueling, not gruelling. If Elliot and Parker dated the same amount of time, why is their breakup so much different? Are Brooke and Mitch still dating? Is Blaine female or male? If both Leo and Blaine are male, are they dating or should that be "their relationships" plural? "They didn’t compare to another girl that I haven’t quite got over" Gotten over... "Parker had put his hand on my knee and was slowly grazing it" caressing it sounds better, grazing is how a cow eats "Well there has been many girls in the last year" there have been... "but my favourite had to be a girl I was with 5 months ago. She changed the way I acted and I ended up developing strong feelings for her”" If he's referring to Elliot, they kissed, twice. How would that be such a dramatic influence? "Being the gentleman that he is he only patted my knee then returned his hand to the top of table." How is that being a gentleman? "his hand stopped gracing my knee." that should be grazing, but again I recommend changing it to caressing or some other similar word "Brooke and Mitch both looked at Parker whilst Jack was dazing in the other direction." I suggest: "Brooke and Mitch both shot a glance at Parker while Jack stubbornly gazed in the other direction." (dazing doesn't make sense at all) "I remember enjoying the company but constantly panicking in case I offended Parker or Jack" Why? She broke up with one of them a year ago and the other one had kissed, twice, 5 months ago. Why would they be offended and why should she worry about it? "t the end of the meal everyone got up from the table and disappeared in different directions. We all emerged into the car park in silence." If they are all at the same table, and going in the same direction, why would they go in a different direction? That makes no sense. "your all friends." should be: "you are all friends." You said earlier that Parker drove himself, and now he left his car at Jack's house? Pick one and stick with it. If Jack drove, why would he not have house keys on the same key chain as his car keys? Where are the parents? Why can't someone use a cell phone and call to get Brooke and/or parents to open the door? "“Okay the barbeque area as you called it seems pretty suitable.”" you should put single quotations around "barbecue area" since she is referring to what he said "Jack then smiled and walked over to where he was going to sleep." Which would be where? I'd say this as: "Jack then smiled and moved over to another bench so he could also lay down and sleep. I watched him do this before slowly closing my eyes and drifting off to sleep." "Before I knew what was happening there was a clash." crash, not clash How are they both going to fit on the bench? Is Jack on a table instead? "He the smiled" then, not the anyway, I hope that helps you, please feel free to contact me if you have any comments or want more help. good luck with future writing!
ObliviousLady 2008-02-04 ch 30,	abusesigh. I finally got around to reading the rest of this story. i loved it. you did a good job with these last few chapters. I look forward to the sequel. Good luck with everything you are doing!

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