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| Anjirika 2007-12-25 ch 2,  | abuseAww... now that was amazing! ^_^ Yay! Congrats on finishing a particularly trying story, I would have given up- but I'm glad that you didn't! ^_^ Looking forward to what's next from ya- don't keep us waiting too long. ^_^ |
| Anjirika 2007-09-21 ch 1, | abuse*squee* I can't believe you updated! ^_^ This is awesome, and if you say no pokes, I won't give you any pokes... ^_^ |
| Narc 2007-09-21 ch 1, | abuseI absolutely love the setting you've created with the Shadelings. I think the scene at the end where she's made into one is great. I feel like the rest of this chapter could use some work, however. You start off in a strange order. Instead of telling us that it's raining, then talking about the man, and only then telling us about Kaieena watching him, I would start with Kaieena. You can avoid an unecessary statement like 'The rain was really pouring down' by simply saying that the man sprinted through the rain and perhaps use imagery of it pouring off his hat or something to emphasize the 'really pouring down'. Watch adverbs. Sometimes they're good, but unnecessary more often than not. They can either be replaced by a better verb than the one you chose, or taken out completely. 'Pulled him roughly forwards' would be better as 'Jerked him forwards'. A statement like 'rammed the dagger-hilt deep into his gut' shouldn't be an afterthought. Personally, I would put it on its own line as a separate sentence 'She drove the dagger-hilt deep into his gut.' This is a significant statement here at the beginning, because we're suddenly introduced into who she is and what she does. Avoid said-bookisms that simply restate what's already obvious in the dialogue like 'she teased', 'Reuben corrected', 'she pointed out', etc. You have these almost every time they speak. If you have to tag who's speaking, use 'said', but in most of these cases we already know who the speaker is. Why would the pirate say 'hold it, you pair' if he can't see them? How would he know it was a pair of them? I was a little disappointed by the pendant-stealing scene. It didn't really seem to have a point in the story, except as a way for them to get the pendent. Unless these same pirates are going to be important later on. Overall, great plot, and good characters. I hope you'll take some of the suggestions I made into consideration, especially with the said-bookisms. They're kind of my pet peeve and I would enjoy this story much more without them. :) |