 first-casualty-of-war 2008-04-06 . chapter 1This had a very lyrical quality to it; I s'pose the rhyming and the repetition really helped make it sing in my mind. I had one suggestion for line 7, though, "I know right where I am." I read it aloud, and the rhythm seemed kinda off to me, like it needed an extra syllable. Maybe you could change it to "I know exactly where I am," it kinda helped the flow for me with that extra beat. I loved these lines, by the way:
"but the streetlamps all are broken
and I've found that I am blind."
Great job =) |