Reviews for War Between Renland and Narthania

Reviews For: War Between Renland and Narthania

itse 2007-09-26 ch 1,	abuseah i just noticed the second draft oops smiles sheepishly i just bookmarked the first one so i didnt go to your profile until i wanted to review another story. I saw you even had another fic on there called Want Ad. I like this version better yup. you put in all the things i mentioned in the previous review. Here it explains why she was treated like a kid by the captain because she was young , 16 going on 17 and now her father was the one making all the decisions which explained why she didnt know much about war strategy and why she had been sheltered from it. Also, I like how now Randolph was a childhood friend and although 2 years older, he had more responsibilities as a son I guess he was running a country. I like the beginning especially when it said Until this year, she had never hated before Until this year, she had never seen war before. It brings her emotions to full view One other comment, at the beginning you started with the young woman and maybe two paragraphs later u called her the young nurse. I know you mean the same person but I'm thinking you should stick with one or the other. Like use young woman throughout until she is called by name or young nurse. I think young woman might work better because then the fact that she had never seen war would flow better. However, later on she told Randolph she always insisted on acting as a battlefield nurse. If that was so, how come she had never seen war before? That part's a bit confusing and opposing in a sense from the beginning. I see it took longer for her to get to the enemy camp this time. I guess that makes sense they should be relatively far away from each other. Here, Randolph's feelings for Elizabeth are more subtle. She missed him because he treated her like an equal and they were childhood friends while he hoped he read the future there :) ok this second draft is definitely awesome. more detailed and Elizabeth is definitely very courageous.
StarGirl5000 2007-09-26 ch 1,	abuseThis was a really good story. It’s very well written and easy to understand. I do wish that the time period had been made clear earlier on though. I’ve been studying WW1 and so had the wrong setting in mind for a while. Also it would be nice if Elizabeth’s station had been revealed earlier on. It’s a wonderful story. Thank you for sharing. ~Star
incandescente 2007-09-25 ch 1,	abuseShe was tired. She had tended to so many already, but she couldn't stop yet. - I enjoyed this line. It showed me instead of telling me that she was a nurse. Respectfully, the girl had voiced her opinions on the validity of the war. - Who had the girl voiced it to? Under what circumstances allowed her to speak to the higher authorities? There was no mention. This paragraph would have shown more of her history if you had written those in. after the first time she'd discovered just how much her stomach held at one time and exactly how it felt coming back up. - i enjoyed this line as well. :) He drank eagerly –too eagerly, and he began to cough. - He was seriously injured, yet the imagery i get from the line above showed that he was still very much alive. - These are the questions I have regarding this story - why was elizabeth the only nurse around? - why was she allowed on the battleground? - why was there only one enemy on their battleground? Your narration is good. But I believe that additional descriptions would make your story a more holistic and interesting one. :) Of course, the descriptions must be in line with the story. You have interesting ideas. Work on your story telling voice more and anticipate the readers' questions, and it'd make you into a better writer. :)

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