"The grey silk of his robe was once beautiful and elegant, but not now anymore; the dust had made it their homes. The hood which was covering his neck was now brown in colour, and hiding among beneath the cloth were some dried blood stains. His greasy hair losing its golden colour, soaked with sweat, and he wiped it away from blocking his eyes." -- There are just a few extra words in here. Try taking out the "now" in the first sentence, "which was" and "among" in the second sentence and "and" and "blocking" in the third sentence. Also, take out the first comma in the third sentence and replace it with an "and".

"Despite of his pleading..." -- Take out "of"

"Soon, two strong men came into her assistance and they successfully separated the child away from her." -- Change "into" to "to" and take out "away".

"No human, no child would let out such an evil smile." -- I think this sentence would have a greater effect if you switched it around at the beginning, making it "No child, no human".


Other than grammar, I didn't see anything wrong with this chapter. Your English is very good =)

Happy writing!

-Steph

Pretty short, but I have absolutely no problems with it save the usual grammar issues. Good stuff.

Okay, the action in this chapter was much more believable than in the previous one. Great job! The main suggestion I have here is to watch how and when you describe Glidas' fatigue. From what I was reading, he seemed to get pretty tired out in just the first half of the big fight scene, and I had no idea how he could last as long as he did afteward. It sounded a little bit like: "Glidas was getting really tired", and then moved to all kinds of action and then "Glidas was getting really tired" again, almost like you changed your mind about how tired he was part-way through. Other than that, I don't really have any issues with this chapter. A little rough, yes, but good overall.

The first half was good. The second... with all the magic stuff, I didn't care for. It was, I guess, overdone. Way too long a space of time when a giant hunk of wall is flying at you. Realistically, all that should have happened in the span of a few seconds, depending on from how far the chunk was tossed. You probably want to evoke a greater sense of urgency, and one of the best ways to do that is be brief in the action, and then do descriptions after the event concludes. I'd also probably like this part better if I knew more about Lerhk - he's only been mentioned, I believe, once before this. It'd probably be to your advantage to give him a little more personality before he gets involved in a large event. Some backstory on his magical abilities - or at least magical weapon - could also help :)
-Trey

No problem with all the constructive criticism. I know I appreciate when I get it, so I figured I might as well give some of my own. And now for more:

In terms of progressing the plot, it was pretty good. Also had a little bit more developement in character relationships, but not much was new there. I really liked how you described the witch, too. But overall the chapter didn't go very far - it was pretty shallow. Your descriptions in general could be more expansive, and that would make it better. I feel like there's a lack of background - there is some, but it's not enough to bring your world to life for me, yet. Your characters are better, but it's like seeing three dimensional characters in a two dimensional world. That will probably change as I move further into the story, but you probably want to create that believable space from the start, and just develop it even more as you spread out to new locations. Like starting in a single room (the initial setting), moving out to the other rooms of the house (the city), and then going outside and describing locations around there as necessary (the world). Good luck, and I'll be back with more later.

-Trey

Ooh, the plot thickens! I had mixed feelings on this one. It was pretty good, but there were some ideas and desriptions in there that seemed pretty cliche and unoriginal. So you may want to watch that. Other descriptions were really, good, though, so on that account I was split. I also had a problem with the idea of the Soulseekers - just from what I know of them so far, this sounds like something I've heard in plenty of other stories. I believe that my mind may be changed in future reading, but it would be nice if you could foreshadow some more unique traits of the Soulseekers. Also that whole meeting scene was pretty quick and rough - you may want to smooth it over, but I guess that's what your rewrite is for. A good cliff hanger at the end, and so I shall continue my analysis in the near future.

Much cleaner than the prologue. I also like Varleck more than from when we first met him, and what has been seen of his relationship with his wife is entertaining. Who Glidas has become from that ragged and cursed child is also of interest, and I'm wondering how the events of the past - and perhaps his missing memories - will come back to haunt him. The imagery in his description is also really good. I am still quite intrigued by the story, and shall continue reading. On a side note, good luck with your rewrite. That process can make a huge difference, but also change a lot of things in a surprising way. And it can be a lot of work. I should know after having gone through at least five rewrites of my story before even posting any of it on fictionpress. Not to mention all the rewrites I've done for things like school essays.

Hey, thanks for the review on my own story! I figured I should return the favor!

I'm certainly intrigued by what I read in the first chapter - Glidas is already a very interesting character. He reminds me, in a way, of my own dark protagonist... as well as a character that will not be introduced to my story unless I write a sequel. He is of a character type that particularly interests me, so I may just have to keep reading, haha.

It is certainly rough, but I know you said English isn't your first language so I let the spelling and grammar errors pass. I do want to say, though, that I have a problem with Varlek. There is no explanation behind his actions, and without that he just seems like a goody-goody knight of the kind that really annoys most people. So be careful, there.

I look forward to reading further on.

Shyves and Glidas have got to be the angstiest (if there's even such a word) couple I've ever read. I'm starting to wonder if they're really suited for each other or not.

Interesting chapter. Be careful with that grammar!

Hey, been awhile since I got a chance to read this story and grats on the one year anniversary :)


The story and coming along nicely and nice cliffhanger, can't wait to see what happen next. You writing has really improve since the beginning of the story, so keep up the good work.

Happy writing to you.

Interesting bamboo fight. The rest I've said already. Keep it up.

Dark chapter. Wee bit over-emotional, though.

Finally, a confession from Glidas! (He sure took his own sweet time, didn't he?)

Nice chapter. I liked the dream/vision thing.

Nice chapter, as usual. This was a bit slow-moving, though. One thing I must criticise is how you write dialogue when a character is stuttering or breathless - the extra letters per word are overdone.

Other than that, good job! Can't wait for the next chapter.

Nice. I think Glindor has become my second favourite character, after Glidas. He's cool in an evil sort of way.

Keep writing!