Reviews for The Dream - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: The Dream - Reviews: Page 1 of 3

J. Comic's Productions 2007-12-21 ch 14,	abuseClearly, and truely, the ultimate ending for this story. But, you did leave us in suspence, just one more line telling the beginning of what Samara said. I loved it. Obsession with be a great book of short stories, I'm sure, who knows, might get published, made into a movie. Good luck, awesome.
J. Comic's Productions 2007-12-21 ch 11,	abuseSend your characters on a guilt trip, I love it. This was definitely one of the better parts of the story. Part 11.
J. Comic's Productions 2007-12-21 ch 7,	abuseHe-oh. Connor Murphy. Reminds me of a person at my school. But still, awesome BASH on the main characters dreams. Awesome.
J. Comic's Productions 2007-12-21 ch 4,	abuseExcellent twist, I love it. But, I know not all this guy should do is sit around and listen to music. Have him arguing with himself to call mike and tell him the truth or whatnot. Or have them go out to see a movie.
J. Comic's Productions 2007-12-21 ch 1,	abuseI loved this first chapter. Good, but what did he do an AIM. and also, what does he do at work, it wasn't clear to me. Just one more thing. The language would actually make this kind of a rated M instead of T. But I'm starting to like it. Keep up the tweaking. Also, when did he fall into the dream, why, was he in bed at six o clock? Not too clear, but I get most of it.
daretobe-dIfFeRnT 2007-10-07 ch 7,	abuseLol oh come on, Connor is ‘captain of all sports teams’? That’s impossible! No one person can take on all of that responsibility lol Wonder what Dave is going to do… mkay, thats all i can manage for today but i'll continue when I canXD i'd love if you could give me feedback on my story as well in the meantimeXD thanks so much!
daretobe-dIfFeRnT 2007-10-07 ch 6,	abuseAhaha it’s so funny, as a girl, to read about what a guy’s thinking when he’s with a girl. Lol you’re actually helping me so that I can write in a guys point of view for story’s. I’m trying my first male point of view in my story ‘His Guardian Angel’ but it switches points of view every so often. So yayy, he finally got to hang out with her! Lets see where he takes it from there
daretobe-dIfFeRnT 2007-10-07 ch 5,	abuseLol poor guy is always plagued with disturbing dreams, isn’t he? But then again, the story is called ‘The Dream’ lol so I suppose it’s to be expected. The chapter was pretty good but I’m still thinking it’s lacking a bit of substance. We’re already in the fifth chapter and I only have a tiny idea what Dave and Mike are like. Try to spend a bit more time on their personalities, for example. Dave so far only seems like an obsessive boy with a major crush. Surely there’s more to him, I know there is. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still good though:)
daretobe-dIfFeRnT 2007-10-07 ch 4,	abuseAh that sucks for Dave! Lol ‘dibs’ on a girl? That’s amusing. And so predictable. Lol Oh, I like how you had something unique to calm Dave down. lol I couldn’t help but laugh at the dream though heh, talk about intense, that really sucks. So will there be any other characters besides Dave, Mike and Sam?
AluminumMuse 2007-10-06 ch 1,	abuseSo, like in all of my reviews, I will start with a bunch of technical stuff for you to revise. Blinking uncontrollably, he gazed around his barely visible room, which slowly comes into focus. -- Blinking is usually uncontrollable, if you want to say that he is blinking rapidly, just say that. He awoke with a start. -- Tense confusing. I am not sure how you would do this properly, but I do know that the flip-flopping is confusing and distracts from the writing, which is otherwise good. Realizing he is awake now, just remembering he can’t see without contacts he crawls out of bed, walks down the narrow stairs turning right into the living room and then left into the bright bathroom. -- A run-on. When in doubt, break sentences up. You have a lot of these. RING! The sound pierces the silence of the morning. -- When something rings, you don't have to say 'RING!' It makes your writing sound immature. “What are you talking about, who is this, man I just woke up.” -- The punctuation here is rather confusing. “What are you talking about? Who is this? Man, I just woke up.” Or something like that. WHAT! -- Try to avoid caps lock. It is tempting, but it doesn't strengthen the emotions at all. “Oh hey Mom…” followed by much small talk between mother and son. -- You don't need the "Oh, hey, mom," just say that there was much small talk. I like the ending. It adds a hint of plot mystery without going too far, and still manages to be interesting. Also, your writing smoothes as the story goes on. At the beginning, I was a bit unsure, but you established a rhythm in the present tense that doesn’t totally wrench the reader all around. Respectfully yours, Feather La
daretobe-dIfFeRnT 2007-10-03 ch 3,	abuseOh wow, I just realized you posted all of this on the same day? Wow, I would have posted like one a week or something lol but that’s because I never really have the chance to write;) ahahah oh gosh, have pity on the poor little freshmen;) Senior guys really are mean when it comes to freshmen, especially at my school. They’re all so tiny though, I feel bad for them! Haha oh they’re called ‘frosh’ at that school? We called our freshmen ‘fish’ or ‘fishys’ in my case. Lol the little freshmen boys really hated me my senior year:D I treated them like they were 12 or something hah but it was just so much fun to see them all flustered:D yeah, so I’m an evil girl lol good times, it makes me almost miss high school. Almost. oh yay, finally Dave is going to actually talk to her! Onto the next chapter!
daretobe-dIfFeRnT 2007-10-03 ch 2,	abuseDude omgsh I had JUST finished listening to ‘Forget it’ by Breaking Benjamin on my little blue ipod when I started this chapter! Hah lol sorry, I think that’s awesome that it was in the chapter as well:D I love Breaking Benjamin:D anyway, back to your chapter I loved it! But I’m sort of biased because you reminded me of going to the shooting range:D Awesome description in that first paragraph! I’ve never shot a .45, I shoot a smaller pistol…uhm…I can’t remember what it was but I know it wasn’t the smallest. The smallest is hard to shoot because the gun is too light and your aim is practically non-existent. I only have a steady hand when it’s a heavier gun. .10 mm I think? That’s the smallest right? Mine is the one after that I think. I can’t for the life of me remember the number…gah! This is going to bother me… oh and yeah, Dave’s right, cars do add to a guys appeal, not to be materialistic or anything lol but I mean, how are you going to pick a girl up if you ask her on a date if you don’t have a car? lol but anyway, short but pretty good chapter:)
daretobe-dIfFeRnT 2007-10-03 ch 1,	abuseUhm…okay, time for some constructive criticism. It was good but it…well it lacked substance. It was just…bland, you know what I mean? Like, for example, it didn’t catch my attention, especially the first part. The ending sort of did but it was still a bit…well, plain. Gosh, I feel so mean:( I’m just one of those readers where something big has to happen in the first chapter to catch my attention so that I’ll continue reading, know what I mean? Not all readers are like that. But that’s why my first chapters are usually the best in the whole story, it catches the readers attention, makes them want to read more(at least I hope it doesXD) This is only the first chapter, though, so I’ll continue and give you more input:D Oh and thanks so much for reviewing my story! I don’t mind reviewing yours in return at all, I know how it feels to be new:D On with the next chapter!
RynDevien 2007-10-02 ch 14,	abuseAH! Wow I'm so glad I didn't finish this BEFORE the second story was up or I would have freaked. Good cliffhanger. ~ Ryn
xXJESSEXMUFFINNNNSSSXx 2007-10-02 ch 14,	abuseJOSH! I really liked the changes you made! It's more realistic now and easier to read since you broke the story into shorter chapters. There is some punctuation(not sure if I spelled that right), but I'm really bad at that kind of stuff...>.< you should read and review my stuff, but not now, 'cause I haven't put the changes up yet. I'll message you... =] Have a nice day!

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