WOW! Okay, I`ll just jump right in, here.

Paragraph One: I thought it was really, really, well done! The first sentence (keepers of time...) simply drew me in, and when I hit "January 12, 3021" it was a *bam!* future fic! Great hook, great introduction.

The initial jump from Scheneu to Kishe was sudden, but it worked for this- and the intensity of the action. The other jumps were slightly shaky, though.

"...his wings tucked around him to try and keep him warm..." Wait, Timekeepers have wings? Do all of them, or just Rame?

Anyways, I should read the other chapters before I ask pointless questions. Great first chapter! It drew the reader in, but they don't feel hoarded with information.

Off to the next ones,
Goblin (:

(Yes! Finally free from homework... temporarily at least...)

I'm so glad Rame wasn't killed... I guess I'm really starting to like him. The bit where the twentieth Timekeeper damaged his timeline was truly heart-stopping. I like the concept of timelines. Very creative.

There were one or two long paragraphs, but nothing much other than that.

Nice action scenes! Gee, I'm glad I found this story - it looks really good so far! I like your characterisation of Kishe in particular - she's a real personality (fiery, spunky, call it what you will...), and yet nothing like one of those cliched Mary Sues that swarm FP nowadays.

Your descriptions are nice, and your story flows well. Maybe a little more dialogue (or even monologue) might help. Apart from that, the only problem is that some of the paragraphs are pretty long (especially 1 and 4). Also, in "...the thief’s only other choice was to flea. And flea she did...", "flea" should be spelled "flee". But other than that it was great.

I don't have the time to review your other chapters right now, but rest assured, I'll get down to it the moment I finish with (or burn) my art history essay. After all, I think you have another fan.

Keep it up.

I really like the personality you give the Timekeeper. And the elusive way you tell us about "her". I think it works really well. It's quite intriguing. Of all the characters, I probably engaged with her the most. I think because of the mystery aspect.

The plot line seems good. The story itself with the three children is very interesting as is the meta-story. The fact that this is happening in our world but far into the future raises a lot of interesting questions.

Generally the writing is easy to follow but I got a bit confused with the changing point of views. Maybe there is some way you could indicate when you're changing characters other than with just a name change. I think it would just make the story easier to read.

It feels like "The elves and the fairies got along with each other" and "humans, elves and fairies had a mutual hatred for each other" contradict each other.

You have a little bit of "foreshadowing" in your story that I wasn't mad about it. There was something where Rame was thinking about avoiding the human cities and being helped by a human because he helped a human. For me, it makes me feel that the story is already, in some sense, predetermined. It also breaks up the flow of the narrative. You're into the story and then suddenly it's like "hey - guess what? In the future...". Also, it breaks up some suspense as now I know he's not going to die anytime soon. Additionally, I think it's nicer for the reader to connect that he helped a human and was then helped by a human on their own.

As a noble, how does Rame know how to look after himself in the Wilds? It feels to me like he should be able, maybe, to hunt a deer or something; but how does he know how to make weapons. Or does he have weapons with him? And how does he know which plants are safe to eat? Why doesn't he ever seem to fly? - This could all come up later in your plot but I thought I'd raise the issues just in case.

"He looked a mess—but to the people of Xilta, he was a fairy." - I would put a little bit more into that last clause. Maybe say "he was just a fairy" instead. I mean obviously he was a fairy.

'“Noble?” She asked,' - how does she know he's a noble? Did he tell her (and, if so, why?) or does he have something distinctive about him (clothings, markings, height?)?

"It was a lion, he guessed. Too large for a wolf." - This seems like a strange description. Can he not see very well in the dark? Lions are a lot more distinctive than just looking like big wolves. Does he not know a lot about animals out in the wilds?

"She had evidently run into the lion perhaps fifteen minutes before, and she had run. It was only luck that she had stumbled upon him, and it had probably saved her life." - There is just no way a human could run away from a lion for fifteen minutes. It is just simply not possible. Running away from lions is just dumb - they're not as fast as cheetahs but they are much faster than humans and if you run, they follow. Also, was she being chased by a lion or a lioness? It makes quite a big difference as to whether it actually would flee and that kind of thing.

"unquestioned, unhindered and alone" - I particularly like the wording here.
"All he could do was hope.//Hope was not enough" - I like the turn of phrase here.

Petty stuff:
"who a Timekeeper protected and watched over" - this should be a whom. Who is subject; whom is object.
"fowl things" - I'm pretty this should be "foul".
"fairies" - This is just an arb point but you might want to consider changing this spelling to "Phaeries". In celtic folklore, there is a race known as the "Phaerie" who are an evil sort of elf (I'm explaining this badly but maybe google it). It just feels like if fairy-like creatures appeared and they were evil, this is the spelling humanity would adopt. Just an idea.
"flea. And flea" - I'm pretty sure this should be "flee".
"if they heard her she was dead" - I would put a comma between her and she.
'“what?” Asked Rame.' - something odd happened with the capital letters in here. The following paragraph also has some funny capital letters in the dialogue.
"this is ridiculous,’ she thought angrily " - capital letter missing.
"Strakyn; The" - "the" shouldn't have a capital letter.
"Rame’s waste" - This should be "waist".

So, all in all, I like the way you manage to set up a lot of plot-mysteries in this chapter, introduce us to the main characters and get the story moving. The story was quite absorbing. Sometimes, the spelling and punctuations errors get a little bit annoying. And I would suggest doing a little bit of research on lions because that part of the story just didn't ring true for me.

good stuff! i just read the first chapter, though ;) i'll read the rest when i have more time, i'm looking forward to it ^^ I like you're characters, they already seem pretty well developed. Just the quick changes in perspective were a little confusing to follow. I got it after a while, but if you distinguish the difference between perspective somehow (a line or anything) i think it might be easier :). Keep writing!!

Interesting chapter. Sorry, it's kind of late and I'm more than ready for bed. Who, exactly, are the guards holding Kishe working for on Earth?

Red Sharpie Comments:

Wait a minute. They didn't take Rame's bow when he was captured? What kind of bad guys are they?

Okay, you seem to be having a lot of difficulty deciding whether Eleventh's name should be capitalized or not.

"The abrupt halt in Elevenths rant made Sixteenth nervous." You've forgotten the possessive apostrophe in "Eleventh's."

Aww, come on. Scheneu left Rame's sword buried in the eye of that ugly mutant, remember? He doesn't HAVE a sword to use!

"Scheneu accepted the gift like it was an armed explosive..." Um...explosives take gunpowder. Gunpowder and sword are not typically in simultaneous use. Perhaps you should change this turn of phrase a bit. :-)

Hmm...It's strangely convienant that the people from Yudar speak the same language as our mismatched heroes, isn't it? I mean, sure the two founders were brothers, but, judging from Rame's little story, the two peoples have not been in contact with each other from quite some time. Don't they even have a noticable accent or something?

I don't quite understand why Rame and Scheneu were freed. Wouldn't it have been infinitely easier for Eleventh to simply kill them all off at once? Do I smell a bad case of authorial intervention? Or is there some other reason you have simply chosen not to reveal just yet? Maybe you could at least hint just a little bit...or else it just seems kind of...unrealistic.

Other than that, nicely done. I like the character interaction between Rame and Scheneu. I'm off to read chapter four now.

Red Sharpie Comments:

"Scheneu’s face fell, the young peasant dismayed and a little fearful." This sentence is missing something, like one of many different words that could be added to complete it. It could red "Scheneu’s face fell, the young peasant looking/seeming/feeling dismayed and a little fearful."

"It was classic dungeon." Again, you're missing a word. "It was a/the classic dungeon."

About 2/3 of the way down, when Rame was being pulled from the dungeon, you describe the guard's pendant as glowing, then Kishe notices that it's glowing. I don't think many readers need to be told twice that the thing is glowing.

Now for chapter two!

Okay, I'm going to give up on pointing out every time you've misplaced or forgotten a capital. It's too hard to keep up with, and I think you've gotten the idea by now.

Oh, I've only just thought of this. Sorry for not mentioning it before, but...Typically, the temperature drops dramatically when the sun goes down, especially in the winter. Maybe you should mention something about the nights being colder than the days, since your characters are travelling at night. Even just a little thing like pointing out that moving around kept them warmer during the coldest part of the day would lend realistic credibility to the story.

Good chapter. I was a bit confused as to why Kishe had not returned home, but you cleared that up there at the very end. Too bad Rame lost his sword. I would think Rame would feel more compelled to get news to Scheneu's mother than he apparently was. Why wouldn't he propose sending Scheneu into the city alone, or even sending Kishe in with the news? But maybe that's just me. Anyways, nicely done.

Red Sharpie Comments:

Much better, especially if I don't count the capitalization errors. I don't really feel like counting paragraphs anymore, but there's a point towards the bottom of the chapter, after they've made good there escape, where Kishe bandages Rame's wound, and you left out a space at the beginning of one of the sentences. Copy and paste "why.Quickly" into the CTRL+F box to find it.

Hello, Ashe. I figured since you've reviewed a whole bunch of my stuff for me, I should probably return the favor. :-) I don't recall if I've ever reviewed for you before, so here's a brief overview of the way I do so...

First of all, sorry if I come off as rude or inconsiderate. Few people understand as well as I that writing is difficult, and that it takes a lot of time and effort; that you, as author, pour a bit of yourself into everything you write and that it's hard to take any sort of criticism/correction at all. I'm not trying to be mean when I point things out. I'm just trying to go quickly and touch on everything I spot so as to provide as much feedback as possible. Okay?

Also, I know I'm not perfect and I will occassionally misread things or point something out as wrong when it is, in fact, quite right. I won't feel hurt or upset if you do not take my advice, and neither should you feel compelled to take it to keep me happy. I'll still review for you and I won't hate you for ignoring me, promise. Sorry if I sound overly formal sometimes, that's just how I write when I write to communicate.

If you ever have any questions about anything I mention, feel free to e-mail me or just reply to my review. I'll get back to you and clarify or explain whatever you didn't understand or wanted more information on.

Okay, with that out of the way, here's the actual review on your first chapter:

Good, solid writing. Engaging introduction to the characters. You've done a nice job of providing information without breaking up the flow of the narrative. The only major deficiency I can spot is a tendency toward passive voice when you describe things. Try to cut down on the numbers of "was"es and "were"s; replace them with seemed, looked, appeared, felt, anything that actually implies ACTION, since a verb is supposed to be an ACTION word. "The sun was bright in the sky" doesn't sound nearly as cool as "The sun shone brightly in the sky." And that's just a little fix. Something like "His flannel shirt was red and blue striped" can be made a thousand times better by rewriting in active voice: "Bright red and blue cut his flannel shirt into neat little stripes." Be careful, though, because you don't want to get too wordy. Keep it simple and direct, that's often the best way to present a thing.

Also, watch out when you change point of view. It's often difficult to follow if you give us no indication of when you shift the perspective. When I change scenes in my stories, I often set the two apart with ten dashes:

-

Red Sharpie Comments:

Para 1, sent 2: "She had been walking for three days..." Non-stop? What a girl.

Para 1, sent 6: You meant to say foul, not fowl, I think. You were referring to something nasty and not a bird, right?

Para 2 in general: This paragraph is kind of confusing, mostly because you used the words "quick" and "deep" two times each. Maybe it's just me, but I have a tendency to stumble over repeated words. Perhaps if you changed the second "deep" to "far down" and one of the "quick"s to "swift"...? Also, I'm not sure if "floor" is the right word for the bottom of a hole dug into some snow.

Para 3, sent 4 and 5: You meant "flee," not "flea," right? Are we talking about an annoying little bug or making an escape?

Para 4, sent 5: I think you're looking for "plane," not "plain." While I suppose either one is valid, the "plain" you used typically refers to a much larger, much more open expanse than I think you intended, while a "plane" can be a relatively flat stretch of just about any size.

Para 5, sent 5: You just capitalized the word "plain" for the first time, even though you've mentioned it three times. Either make them all capital or don't capitalize any of them, but don't switch between.

Para 6 in general: If the opening is big enough for Kishe to fit through, why on earth would she think that nobody would notice it? I would think she should at least have to crawl or squirm or wriggle into the tree, or else she would have to be incredibly ignorant or naive or both.

Para 7, sent 9: "“You are under arrest,” Said the stranger..." "Said" should not be capitalized, since it is not at the beginning of a sentence.

Para 8, sent 2: "All ready" should be one word: "already."

Para 9, sent 2: You've capitalized "Fairy" for the first time, but mentioned it several more. Again, chose one way to write it and stick with it. Don't change it up; stay consistant.

Para 16, sent 1: "Asked" need not be capitalized.

Para 17, sent 1: "What," however, DOES need to be capitalized.

Para 17, sent 2 and 3: "“I—“ the truth..." I think "the" should be capitalized, since it does, indeed, begin a new sentence that does not continue the thought of the part in quotes.

Para 18, sent 1: "Roared" need not be capitalized.

Para 18, sent 3: "“Rame Ladrinen,” The king began. “you have..." See the comma? That means you have not begun a new sentence and "the" does NOT need to be capitalized. Since "you" continues the thought outside the quotes, it STILL is not a new sentence and should be separated by a comma, not a period.

Para 20, sent 4: "‘this is ridiculous,’ she thought angrily..." Come on, now...No capitalizing "this" was an accident, right? Besides that, you've now changed the "Tradarrean plain" to "plane." Either one if fine, but pick only one, please.

Para 20, sent 5: "...but they had been wiped out by those of her pursuers." Um...I thought the elves gave up chasing her. And even if they hadn't, would they really chase her off into the plains? And even if they did, how could they be close enough to wipe out her footprints but far enough not to catch her?

Para 22, sent 1: "By the next days end..." = "By the next day's end..."

Para 23, sent 2: Wow, he must have slowed down a lot. 70 miles in ten days is only 7 miles a day, and he had been going 15. What happened? Did he stop to rest for a few days?

Para 23 in general: What is he hunting with? Did he bring a bow with him, or is he simply swift enough to catch small game with his bare hands? Does he have some power you have forgotten to mention? Scheneu mentioned something about magic-wielders, but that was elves, not fairies, wasn't it?

Para 24, sent 1: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait a minute. He had gone 70 miles in the first ten days, even though he went 40 miles in the first three days, and now he's gotten to within 30 miles of his goal, which would put him about 170 miles from his start point. So he went 100 more miles in the last five days? Check your math. To reach 170 miles within 15 days, he'd have to average 11 1/3 miles per day, but you've made his journey so sporadic it's really quite unbelievable.

Para 25, sent 1: Um...most humanoids do not have a "waste." They do, however, have a "waist" about midway up their bodies.

Para 27, sent 3: I don't think "desisted" is a valid word. "Desist" is, but I think you'll have to use something else for the past tense.

Para 31, sent 1: "“I have a…a favor to ask of you,” She said." Again, the bit outside the quotes continues the sentence within them and needs not be capitalized. You've made the same mistake at the beginning of the next three paragraphs as well.

Para 35, sent 4: You've used "waste" instead of "waist" again.

Okay! That's all! :-) Again, sorry if some of this sound terse and rude. It's not supposed to.

Good job on the story so far. :) It seems pretty good, it was a little hard to follow since it jumped from person to person or maybe I'm just slow. :P