hey that is so good. it reminds me of like song lyrics...

I like the metaphor, Val. It's pretty...Glad to see you writing. This is a song, hmm? To what music?

I love some of the ideas in this freeverse - the feeling of the steel rod, especially. I feel really close to this poem, parts of it just sum up the way I have been feeling lately.

As for critique, I think the repetition goes a bit too far sometimes, and you have a lot of sentence fragments. You could consider reformatting to make each fragment on a new line, more like poetry.

For some reason I think this would make a really good song. Something death cab-esque.