Reviews for DarkWorld Volume I: Silence of the Darkness

Reviews For: DarkWorld Volume I: Silence of the Darkness

tiffany 2008-05-01 ch 5, anon.	abusearianna! you have to write more or i'll...do something! :)
B. J. Winters 2008-04-17 ch 5,	abuseI loved this line: Get a couple of extras up there, distracting him. You know them. Two bratty girls who share Miss Angyls blood and a couple of annoying boys, two snobs that I don’t know and some pretty sovereign wolves. I actually liked the shadow world characters very much. Did you mean to imply that there are three planes (rather than two)? It might be too complicated to add more than the polar reality. Speaking of polarity, I’m trying to find a classic villain in this – someone to root against and I’m at a bit of a loss. This chapter ends with some violence, but I’m not sure who I want to win. That could be good or bad – I just want to be sure that it’s what you intended. You might need to guide the reader more in the goodvsevil/rightvswrong category as the worlds collide. I’m not entirely convinced on Thal’s motivation. Again her angry reaction might be a bit too scripted. You might need to decide if she is victim or heroine. You flip between the two with her on the one hand crying when her sisters taunt her and being afraid of the Darkworld, and then a page later swearing and on the attack. The swing is too dramatic for me. On an only slightly related note, I happen to like your taste in music and the style of quote at the top of each chapter. I think you could leverage these themes more. I enjoyed the read, and I encourage you to write more. I'll remind anyone reading these reviews that they wre intended to point out weaknesses, more than strengths, and again say there is much to recommend in the attached story. Good luck to you.
B. J. Winters 2008-04-17 ch 4,	abuseThe strengths of this chapter are similar to chapter 3. Good dialogue and some interesting fantasy elements. We start to learn more about the nightmare realm, you introduce the Ashwitch – this progresses the story forward. Again, I got caught in the multiple characters. You’ve basically eliminated a couple of family members and chosen to introduce friends (e.g. Evelyn) that leaves me again wondering who I should care about – who should I identify with. My suggestion would be to create (separate from the story) a sheet of character bios. With that put the characters purpose. If you can’t clearly think of one, then you might want to eliminate that character to keep the readers focus. Dialogue – again, strong point. However, I did get stuck on a couple of items. I’m not sure Thal would blurt out to Cain (assuming she’s really interested in his opinion of her) that she’d been in therapy. Most people tend to keep their insanity issue to themselves. Second Constantine mentioned he had a fortnight – and Gab needs thirty two days. I always thought a fortnight was two weeks – so you have a bit of a deal breaker here. Timeline and meals – lunch/dinner/lunch you’re not completely consistent. I did like the idea that someone can see Constantine based on their proximity to death. I think that idea is clever – but I would expect more urgency from Gab on the situation. And perhaps less energy/angst from Avery and Thal. Thal seemed to overreact to being questioned about being watched. If it happens so often she shouldn’t fly off the handle like that, but rather plot to escape vs. get angry in my opinion My overall suggestions would be narrow your character base and select a primary purpose for each chapter. This one seemed to try to do too much from too many angles. I could almost see a chapter from the dream world perspective – building on the urgency, watching, anticipation feeling you were trying to get with the main characters. Beyond making Constantine real I still don’t really see why Thal is important. Nightmare keeper – what does that really mean? Perhaps the wolf or the witch, or even Gab could share with us that – why her – why now.
B. J. Winters 2008-04-17 ch 3,	abuseThere are elements in this chapter that I really like. I'm starting to feel more of the fantasy genre with the tools you've introduced (globe) and the pets (jaguar). I'm starting to see some foreshadowing with Gabriel's imaginary friend, and I'm left wondering how the parent's died. All that is good, keeping me interested as a reader. You also started here giving me more detail on what the characters looked like, (ages, what they were wearing) and that helped me visualize more. You've also added more description of the physical location with details about the rooms, pool, etc. I needed that in Chapter 2. Dialogue is very (let me repeat very) good. I liked the sensual tension between Gab and his imaginary friend and explanation on how the wolf became real with adds many possibilities. All the characters speak very naturally. Plot - I'm not entirely certain that I know what to expect in the next chapter or beyond. I think I might need a little more "why are these people together" to encourage me to read. Right now the characters click, but I'm not sure why or how they will relate in the future. I have a good lock on Gab and Thaliah, and perhaps Cain, but the others still feel only loosely connected to the plot. I don't feel a sense of history between the group and yet it appears to be implied. I'd like to know more about the sisters since the back of my mind is thinking of three fates type imagery, but I haven't seen that directly. Flow - the transitions and time passing again seemed choppy to me. I never saw Gab really leave the room, and yet I assume he's having a private conversation. And then suddenly it's the next morning and I'm shown Thal's perspective. The chapter ends with the implication that our suto date is over (and I was hoping to get character development)...One possible way to counter this is to add some description; another would be to have one chapter for each perspective or significant time break.
B. J. Winters 2008-04-17 ch 2,	abuseAs requested I've taken a look at this and am offering a critical review. So, I could gush about the good things but I will probably focus on what you can use to polish/improve == I'll just say that up front. I read the prologue, and I'm not sure it added the value that a prologue here could. If you leave it, I would focus on less commentary and more stage setting. For example, rather than talking about "what the reader will learn", I'd instead discuss the difference between the nightmare and the real world and how the three sisters relate to it. This is a fantasy piece so you have a blank canvas. It takes awhile to level set the reader on what to expect and a prologue can define time/place and visuals that are different that Earth in the 21st century. After reading Chapter 1, I'm not convinced that I've left the realm of the current world I live in and a robust prologue could highlight the difference. The other alternative is to use the first part of your chapter one - when your main character is a child - and have that scene be the prologue, standing alone. That would spark my curiosity, and "show" me a bit of what could happen, rather then "telling" me (which is what you have now). Chapter 1. Characters - Overall impression is that there are too many too fast. While you did introduce Thaliah by herself at first I don't have a visual picture, (age, height, hair color). My imagination is stretched trying to come up with how her sisters look as well as the newer characters you introduce when they arrive at their final destination. I'd like to have a bit more of introduction to the who/what/where/when/why of the three sisters sitting as you jump to "twelve years later". If I hadn't read the prologue I might not have concluded the relationship or relevancy. Characters/Dialogue - I would like to add that I think the idea of having a family oriented piece will serve you well with the sibling rivalry dynamics you highlight. I can see the tension and familiarity as they speak to each other. I also like the wolf although I did get a bit lost on his multiple names (you might want to just have one). I thought the telepathy between your main character and the wolf and the humor of his situation with the puppy was very cute. I’m not sure it would fit later – but I would almost have preferred for the wolf to remain imaginary. I can see where you are going with the balance of male/female characters and I think that is the right direction. I liked the link between the unseen hands at the beginning of the chapter and the real life character that emerged. The exchange between Aiden and Callie about the brothers (i.e. "the silent one") flowed particularly well. Context - Angyl Willows I assumed was another name for Thaliah that she writes under and that her sisters don't know about. If I did the math correct, Thaliah is 17? And she's published a number of books her family doesn't know about -- that was a stretch in credibility for me. You could however have there be one book - and have it be her way of controlling her emotions, adding in some text about how writing has kept her sane. I lost the cause/effect and without that there may be no need to mention this. Flow - if you leave the early childhood part in chapter one, I would reorder your activity and put all the Thaliah stuff together allowing the reader to jump the time gap with the same character perspective before you introduce the sisters.

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