she was hopeless, in truth. she could only dance when no one was watching.

I really like that line. I can really relate in both the literal and metaphorical sense. you write great stuff!

-Bugg

This somehow reminds me of that quote by Souza: "Dance when no one's watching you ..." It would have been funky if you'd have opened with it; sounds like it inspired you.

The only thing I could complain about is that maybe you could consider lengthening your sentences, by using semicolons for example. Short sentences make the story sound a bit choppy, while longer ones make it flow nicely. Don’t make them TOO long however - you’ll never find your way out of them, otherwise!

Thank you for posting this! Maybe you wouldn’t mind checking out a few of my writings too if you feel like it and liked the review? If you do, I recommend my rants. I hope the concrit helped!

Sakura.

[Yes, I copy/paste most of my reviews. So sue me. The concrit changes per review, and you get tips, right? Win/win situation. End of.]