I liked your rhyme scheme and the use of the paratheses at the end.

Great writing with the potential to go far. Since it does have that potential, I’m sure you won’t mind some concrit:

Punctuation. It expresses places where you want the reader to pause and helps with flow and metre. If you dislike using punctuation, I respect that, but if you’re open to comments then maybe you should consider this one!

Thank you for posting this! Maybe you wouldn’t mind checking out a few of my writings too if you feel like it and liked the review? If you do, I recommend my rants. I hope the concrit helped!

Sakura.

[Yes, I copy/paste most of my reviews. So sue me. The concrit changes per review, and you get tips, right? Win/win situation. End of.]