Great writing with the potential to go far. Since it does have that potential, I’m sure you won’t mind some concrit:

Maybe you could format the poem into stanzas and remove the double spacing? It's a bit long otherwise, and reading it gets tedious.

Maybe you could consider lengthening your sentences, by using semicolons for example. Short sentences make the story sound a bit choppy, while longer ones make it flow nicely. Don’t make them TOO long however - you’ll never find your way out of them, otherwise!

Thank you for posting this! Maybe you wouldn’t mind checking out a few of my writings too if you feel like it and liked the review? If you do, I recommend my rants. I hope the concrit helped!

Sakura.

[Yes, I copy/paste most of my reviews. So sue me. The concrit changes per review, and you get tips, right? Win/win situation. End of.]