   Therese Delacoeur 2007-10-11 . chapter 1Hi, I just finished reading, and I had to review. I really, really like your story! It's full of history and background. You know your characters so well, I feel like if I asked you what Aeydi's favorite color was, you'd be able to tell me right off the top of your head.
That being said, there were a few things that I'd switch around. There's too much being said history-wise that's not really relevant to the immediate story. We really don't need to know what happened four centuries ago with her parents -- it takes away from Aeydi's mystery, the one that makes you readers want to keep reading. If a reader thinks, "I already know everything. Why keep reading?" that's obviously not good.
I would suggest removing all unnecessary information and re-add parts where it makes the most impact. For example, you might want to put the part about the double-blood "I'm obsessed with blood" attitude where Aeydi has her "This could get interesting" comment.
Overall, fascinating. I enjoyed the fact that nymphs were cutters. Usually, they're so free-spirited. It's interesting to see them in this light. Same goes for the angels -- excuse me, angYls. Alithar and Aeydi are a cool couple: One's so somber, serious, traditional, while Aeydi is quite modern for someone 400+ years old. Quick question -- why hasn't Aeydi been pregnant before if she's been his lover for nigh on four centuries? Just curious...
Great story! I'd love to read the longer work you're talking about. |
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