Reviews for Shadow Play - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: Shadow Play

C. Hinton 2008-08-16 ch 2,	abuseWow, this is very well done. In two chapters I already have enough information about the world and main players to be interested in continuing to read! Good work there. If there's one thing I might suggest its to watch your spelling. 'Anton gritted his teeth' I suppose 'gritted' is technically a correct spelling, but I'd go with 'grit', it flows better. Awaiting, now that word just strikes me as anachronistic with the plain working Joe prose you're building. Just waiting might work better there. "Though it had no eyes, the demon lifted its head as if to look at Tinsel and reached to him shakily with its free claw." That's a continuity slip there, in the previous chapter the demon was glaring at Duck with slitted yellow eyes. ;) All in all though, these details are more nitpicking than super-necessary adjustments. I'd say these are a couple of well-written chapters for a story that will be impressive to say the least. Nice job.
Solemn Coyote 2008-03-14 ch 2,	abuseWell, I know that after I finish this review it'll be a long while before another chapter's up, but I really like this story, so I'm reviewing anyways, in hopes that it gets continued. Soon-ish. Maybe. 1)"She’d ogled the action too much and missed her mark." not exactly the right word for the situation. Were you trying to slip it into the story? 2) the huge paragraph about demon-fighting at the beginning could e broken up a little, but it's an excellent action sequence. Very vivid. 3)"flesh dripped with blood and exposed arteries shrank and throbbed." likewise, very vivid. 'shrank' was not a word I was expecting there, and it kinda sucker-punches. Well done. 4) Tinsel and Duck've got sorta a weird dynamic, but I like their names very much. 5)"His office was littered with litter glued with rotten, unspecified food remains," comma or semicolon after 'litter' 6)Flower and Anton have a nice fat man/thin man villain-dynamic going. 7)“Sewn into every pair of his undergarments as you required.” That's ominous in a way that underpants rarely are. I'm glad this story has a sense of humor. It really keeps it in balance. 8) Well, I guess this is where my review stops. Please keep writing this.
Solemn Coyote 2008-03-08 ch 1,	abuseOkay. Here's a review. 1)"It slid of his tongue like water off a duck’s back and somehow just seemed right coming from him." There's some crazy good character description in that paragraph. It feels a little bit detective noir-y, but without being overdone. I like his character already. 2) You've got a heavily armed cast of characters already. They're respectably stylized, and it seems like the gloves are off in terms of who's likely to survive. Or, at least, get mauled. This is the sort of pulp that I really enjoy reading. "They told him that his pistols were second issue, that is, they were owned by some other unlucky bloke in the business of shadow hunting before it killed him." I'm getting sort of a 'Gantz'-ish or 'Tokyo Maijin Gakuen Kenpuchou'-ish vibe (jeeze, that's a mouthful) off of this story, if either of those references makes any sense. 3)"shadows that drained the life off living creatures to take on horrifying physical forms." I'm hooked. This story has monsters. Which are pretty much my one weakness. 4)"(that’s if the enemy was even there... and of course, our dear hunter is allowed to hope not)" The interruption is a little weird, and it reminds the reader that she's reading a story, which breaks up the flow of things. For a piece like this, that lives by way of pace, that's disastrous. Keep the 'if the enemy was even there' bit, but clip out the rest. 5)"the man could just see the feint black outline of something large crouched and bent over a small figure." faint 6) There's a fair bit of cursing, here, but it's all character appropriate and atmospheric, so no complaints. If anything, it adds a little bit to the suspend-belief-ability of the story. Not that you should ramp the cursing up any further, but it's good where it is. 7)"Loose, decaying flesh hung from the demon’s bones and peeled back from its claws and webbed feet to reveal yellow stained bones." Good, Lovecraftian description, but a touch of word repetition on 'bones.' 8)"Thunder. Darkness. Sword. Spring Flowers." Love the casting there. It's good to see a healthy mix of comedy in the story. 9)"But it much rocking," maybe 'but it was'? 10) This is excellent, and it has monsters. I really, really want to see more of this. If you've got any doubts about whether to continue this or not, I hope this review goes some distance towards dispelling them. -SC
felicia13 2008-01-09 ch 2,	abuse“I’m not a homosexual.” Tinsel replied simply. “And you’re in shock, so I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that.” Heh... good lines from the world of prose. ^^ I really like the character Tinsel... it's a great sort of attitude, really. Be nice to the people who cared enough to cause you some sort of debt (like Duck) but... the others don't matter. Nice work, Bread. Aww... mean. Why are we sacrificing people, even if they are worthless and curse instead of talk? Guess you'll have to update, won't you? Pfft. "Whom" is proper English. Learn to speak it, Bread. Harry Dresden is the main character on a show about saving people. With his (well, I think it's his great-times-a-billion-uncle who is actually dead)... anyway, it's actually not horrible, but I can't remember what the show's called. Although you probably already know because this is three months late... yeah. Sorry about that. But it was a good chapter. tries to have a winning grin fails miserably I will continue with my life, thanks. Didn't know I needed permission, though... is feeling flip Felicia.
Casey Drake 2007-12-10 ch 2,	abuse...attraction charms? eww. :) CD
WyrdWolf 2007-11-09 ch 2,	abuseHeh...'she'd ogled the action too much'. Can't believe I didn't catch that one. grin I really, really love the spell-casting method you developed for this, Bread. It's so unique and awesome! I wanna go on and on about it, but I mustn't. Maybe the more hits Duck takes, the more he tends to curse and call people gay. An admirable quality. Aw, man, Duck's a tool. And he doesn't even know it. Perhaps Anton doesn't know how good Duck really is? ...is he really good? Just trying to help ya out, Bread. Just don't use unless you want the narration to be informal (which isn't bad), you can scrap the 'whoms' if you like. I'm just a grammar freak. Seriously, in real life, if somebody says something grammatically incorrect, I correct them and then scream 'Grammar Slam!' and everyone looks. Wolfie
Casey Drake 2007-11-03 ch 1,	abuseHeehee... like Harry Dresden with more swearing. :) CD
WyrdWolf 2007-10-07 ch 1,	abuseAh, I was wondering why you had reposted this. And without telling me! Never stop sending me stuff--trust me, the only reason I don't get some things done is because they don't take priority (i.e., reviewing, which I just managed to finish). Beta work, however, is a top priority. So, by all means, send me your works, Bread! And feel no guilt. I'm much better at managing time now. Promise. As for the story, I didn't notice too much change except for the beginning, which was spicy. Still enjoy this story, either one. I totally play to write an entry for each topic of StP. Wolfie
felicia13 2007-10-06 ch 1,	abuse... did I already read this? It sounds really familiar with 'Duck' and the whole thing with other words ending in '-uck.' I've definitely read this before. Way to repost. Still love that poem, though. ^^ Just so you know, Bread, all punctuation goes on the inside of quotations. For example, a sentence goes like such: "Damn!" he cursed. "Why must it always be me?" And everything goes inside the quotes. Hooray for them. Be careful talking to the audience. We don't technically exist, ok? Pretend like you're telling a story, only you're talking to yourself. Only tell yourself the things you assume you don't know. And never refer to yourself when telling the story. The heel on your foot has two 'e's. Yeah. Sucks when Shane's not around, doesn't it? I know how you feel... golf's over Thursday, so it'll be over soon. Nice sort-of rewrite. I still like it and hope you'll add more because... if I recall correctly, you never did add a second chapter to the original. Felicia.

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