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| ShadowJHunter 2007-10-13 ch 2,  | abuseWelcome to Mozio, chapter 2! Ha, I'm back! You cannot escape my reviewing wrath! So let's get on with it: Chapter 2 review. I can tell that your writing has definitely improved with this chapter. You're stringing sentences together quite well, and it they seem to be connecting fairly reasonably. Now… chapters. Since chapter 2 is continuing on straight after your prologue, there's no actual need to have ‘the prologue’, as an actual prologue (Haha! Get that?). A prologue is a pre-chapter that sets up a story's universe, so to speak. If a chapter was set sometime in the past - or the future! - we could call that a prologue. It's not a huge problem, but it will keep the critics off your back. Also, name your chapters. There's nothing worse than reading a fantasy/adventure story, without first sampling the chapter. A simple name can give so much meaning to your words. For example: Chapter 2: The Eyes In The Dark. Mysterious? Exciting? Try it. Trust me, it will add so much more to your work :) Personally, I love your style of writing. It is very fresh and creative, and I think that you're starting to get a sense of how and where you want lead your readers. This is good, but you should also be aware of a few factors. One is your past and present tenses. I know it's hard, but there is a few tense mishaps within this chapter. Nothing big, only subtle details, but it can make your writing a bit confusing to read. You can overcome this by thinking: 'I am this character. What am I doing? How am I doing it? How would I react in that situation? Etc.' As I said, it was only subtle details, so don't brood on it a whole lot. Another factor you should be aware of is, of course, emotions within your characters. Despite everything that's happened, Edward and David still seem to be two opposite sides of a wall. You've done a great job of portraying each character, but the interaction stage is lacking just a little. It's either neutral, or anger that I'm seeing. Try adding something like, 'Edward looked at his nephew sympathetically.' Or something. It depends on where you're going with these characters. Just remember that all characters have emotions - the good and the bad ones. Other than that, mate, it's looking great so far. Keep writing and keep working on the story line. I hope to see more soon. Shadow J. Hunter |
| ShadowJHunter 2007-10-06 ch 1, | abuseI had high expectations of this story, as I could see straight away that you are a very well-written author. At first, I found it difficult to grasp the concept of your story. I understand it must have been quite hard to combine your own ideas with a response to an adventure story-writing challenge. Therefore, I won't criticise you on that aspect. The first few paragraphs could do with a little more attention. It seemed a bit forced at times. After that, however, you really drew me into the story. The characters and conversations felt very natural, and I felt as if I already knew them somehow. You have left a little mystery behind David's book, Mozio, which makes me want to read on. My only main suggestion is this: unless a character is speaking, do not apostrophised words like 'He'd' and 'They'd'. It can make the writing look lazy (especially in fantasy). It's better to stick with the full words. It will not make the story look weird. All in all, this is a great start to a great story and I look forward to reading more in the near future. Keep up the good work. You’re improving. |