FictionPress.com - let the words flow
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| Alexandria Smith 2008-03-11 ch 1,  | abuseDep. I loved the rhyming scheme and moral... my breath has been taken away. beautiful... as usual. =]] Alexandria Smith |
| simpleplan13 2007-12-19 ch 1, | abusevery sweet and very true... a great message that we forget a lot of the times.. nice job |
| Litheral 2007-11-15 ch 1, | abuseVery eloquent in the beginning. The idea of looking into oneself is a classic interesting read. The subject and the avoidance of the clichés, (looking into mirrors, and having masks etc.) is nice. However, I am not sure if you edited this or not, but towards then end when you get to line 12 (yes i counted them) the poem breaks from fluid to choppy. What I mean is you begin asking questions again and they are good questions but it seems just slapped them together with the rest. I think if you were to analyze your feelings again and look it over you could make it flow better. The words from line 12 on seem indecisive and you seem more unsure of what writings. Which I don't believe is your goal. Your goal, I surmise, is to "show" the lingering evidence of self-doubt. Let your words convey your feelings but don't "put" doubt in your skill. You are talented and I believe you can work the kinks out. Happy Writing. |
| S. Ben Beach 2007-10-25 ch 1, | abuseHey, very sorry for this late review, I was meaning to get around to your work, honest... Well, I guess it's hard to dodge cliche with something like this, and you avoid it. Most of the time, which is better than never. Cliche can be good, but it's like junk food in a way.. Good, but too much? Never. One of the ways you can avoid it is by using heavier imagery, which is what I do, and leave gaps for the reading people to fill in for themselves. Open interpretation is also good :) But I don't know whether if you want to keep it straight and honest like this. It's good this way, but seeing as how so many endless people like us will scribble stuff along the lines of this in our journals... I'm not saying that you should compromise your emotions, nobody should do that. If you've got this much skill, then I think you can make it more honest, upfront and actually pass that impression to others. Kinda like what At the Drive-In, Hot Water Music, Orchid, Sunny Day Real Estate and Further Seems Forever have done with their music and lyrics. Now I will look at your other stuff.. the bottom line is, this is good, but maybe look at tightening it up. -ben |
| Needa S 2007-10-23 ch 1, | abuseAwesome! Write on. |
| review 2007-10-22 ch 1, | abusesimple, yet profound in the sense that its true for everyone of us out there. great write. simple and sweet. |
| Black Gumdrop 2007-10-11 ch 1, | abuseWow... -blinks- Wow... This reminds me of a song but I can't put my finger on what song it does. That was a very good poem, I love your free rhythm, it's funky yet classy...if rhythm can ever contain those two things. haha |